Mood: in love, grateful
Jeff,
Three years ago today I got ready for what was to be my very last first date. I spent nearly three hours getting ready: picking out the perfect outfit, finding something green to wear for St. Patrick's Day and reading through all of the text messages we had sent each other.
I drove, a mix of nerves and excitement rushing through me.
And when I got to you, I became even more nervous (which I thought impossible) and more excited. As I watched you walk toward me holding a beautiful bouquet of pink roses, I thought, some day I'm going to walk towards him holding a bouquet of pink roses.
And six months after that night, I did just that.
Three years ago, I had no idea what the future had in store for us, and I never would have imagined that we would have faced half of what we have together. But I hope you know that everything we have gone through as left me feeling more in love, more confident in our relationship and more like I am home.
I know there are days where we challenge, infuriate and annoy each other, and I know those days will never end.
I also know that despite all of the illness and the hard times, there is nowhere I would rather be and no one I would rather be with. You are an amazing husband and father. You make me laugh each and every day, and what is a life without laughter?
Three years ago today, I sat in a car talking about nothing, everything and zombies for nearly three hours with you. Though our lives have been touched by loss and cancer, there are so many things that have not changed since that night, after all, we spent a good deal of last night rehashing the new Walking Dead episode. And you know what? I could not be happier.
I look forward to every day we spend together. I love to read in bed with you at night, or talk about the most random things we can think up. I strive to be a better wife and mother every day. I know there are happier, healthier days ahead for us and I cannot wait to see where we are together in another three years. I love you.
Your Wife,
Ashley
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
2014/03/17
2013/12/06
On Marriage and Depression
Mood: depressed
Jeff and I had our share of hardships during our first year of marriage. We struggled, just like any other couple, to figure out how to make things work. There were nights where we weren't sure it would work. I remember before our wedding, thinking to myself, that I didn't believe anyone when they said a) the first year of marriage is the hardest and b) being married is a completely different ballgame than dating or being engaged.
I cannot put my finger on what makes marriage so different from being engaged, but, trust me if you aren't married, being married is 100% completely and absolutely different than being engaged or dating.
The change sneaks up on you. You don't realize it's coming, you don't even necessarily feel it coming. You go to bed one night and you wake up and BAM! Marriage hits you in the face.
I tried, so hard, to be the wife that I thought Jeff wanted. And the stepmother that Malcolm wanted (or didn't want...but he didn't have a choice). Some days, I still do this. The thing about pretending, or trying to be the perfect wife who works and cooks and does laundry and watches sports (to be fair it's only basketball) and is still up for sex whenever, is that it. is. so. exhausting. Because that is not me. Singularly, all of these things bring me tremendous joy. I love cooking for Jeff and Malcolm, every single night I really do love this. It only ever feels like a chore if I am sick and Jeff is always more than willing to step in. I hate laundry. No, I hate folding laundry. There are more times than I'd care to admit that Jeff ends up folding laundry I have left clean for two days or so. I love watching basketball with Jeff because it is the one sport I understand and actually enjoy following. I love sex (sorry Mom and Dad....), but let's be honest, there are just days where the only thing I want touching me in bed are the blankets and a book.
So, when I found myself exhausted and with no energy left for me, I did not quite know what to do. Because unlike single life, you don't get to just head to your apartment and hop in your pretty pink bed and relax and binge eat pizza while watching "Will and Grace" or "The Golden Girls" to recharge. Or do nothing more than drink a bottle of wine on a Sunday afternoon to old Disney movies with a ton of beauty magazines splayed on the bed around you. I became upset that not only was I not the perfect wife, I was not even close and I knew that in neglecting myself I was actually becoming quite depressed, more so than I had been in many years.
I was first diagnosed with depression at age 10. I took my first dose of Prozac at age 10. And it is something that to this day, to this second, I struggle with. If you have never been depressed or experienced it, I truly don't know how to help you understand. Depression, like marriage, kind of just hits you over the head one morning and all of a sudden every single thing that you thought you knew, well, it's wrong. And nothing seems to mean the same thing that it used to. For me, depression is coupled with anxiety, which means that not only do I not experience happiness, but I then freak out about why I can't just be happy. And leaving the house, which is hard enough to do when you feel that every single thing is without purpose so why get groceries, becomes even harder when you are convinced that something horrific is about to happen.
Today, as I showered, I realized that the depression that started during our first year of marriage has not yet lifted. There are moments of extreme joy and months where I can leave the house just fine, but there are also dark and endless days where it physically pains me to shower and start the car to take Malcolm to school. The thing that hit me most this morning as I lathered up my body wash was that, in trying so hard to be the wife that I thought Jeff wanted, I lost everything about the woman he fell in love with. The confident (most of the time), career loving woman who laughed at everything has morphed into some sad, fat woman.
Admittedly, I do not know how to get this woman back. But I'm at least aware that I want to. And that is progress for me. I'm thankful for a husband who has been patient and tried to learn how to handle someone with chronic, severe depression. And today, I want not to be the wife I THINK he wants, but the woman that I know he loved.
Jeff and I had our share of hardships during our first year of marriage. We struggled, just like any other couple, to figure out how to make things work. There were nights where we weren't sure it would work. I remember before our wedding, thinking to myself, that I didn't believe anyone when they said a) the first year of marriage is the hardest and b) being married is a completely different ballgame than dating or being engaged.
I cannot put my finger on what makes marriage so different from being engaged, but, trust me if you aren't married, being married is 100% completely and absolutely different than being engaged or dating.
The change sneaks up on you. You don't realize it's coming, you don't even necessarily feel it coming. You go to bed one night and you wake up and BAM! Marriage hits you in the face.
I tried, so hard, to be the wife that I thought Jeff wanted. And the stepmother that Malcolm wanted (or didn't want...but he didn't have a choice). Some days, I still do this. The thing about pretending, or trying to be the perfect wife who works and cooks and does laundry and watches sports (to be fair it's only basketball) and is still up for sex whenever, is that it. is. so. exhausting. Because that is not me. Singularly, all of these things bring me tremendous joy. I love cooking for Jeff and Malcolm, every single night I really do love this. It only ever feels like a chore if I am sick and Jeff is always more than willing to step in. I hate laundry. No, I hate folding laundry. There are more times than I'd care to admit that Jeff ends up folding laundry I have left clean for two days or so. I love watching basketball with Jeff because it is the one sport I understand and actually enjoy following. I love sex (sorry Mom and Dad....), but let's be honest, there are just days where the only thing I want touching me in bed are the blankets and a book.
So, when I found myself exhausted and with no energy left for me, I did not quite know what to do. Because unlike single life, you don't get to just head to your apartment and hop in your pretty pink bed and relax and binge eat pizza while watching "Will and Grace" or "The Golden Girls" to recharge. Or do nothing more than drink a bottle of wine on a Sunday afternoon to old Disney movies with a ton of beauty magazines splayed on the bed around you. I became upset that not only was I not the perfect wife, I was not even close and I knew that in neglecting myself I was actually becoming quite depressed, more so than I had been in many years.
I was first diagnosed with depression at age 10. I took my first dose of Prozac at age 10. And it is something that to this day, to this second, I struggle with. If you have never been depressed or experienced it, I truly don't know how to help you understand. Depression, like marriage, kind of just hits you over the head one morning and all of a sudden every single thing that you thought you knew, well, it's wrong. And nothing seems to mean the same thing that it used to. For me, depression is coupled with anxiety, which means that not only do I not experience happiness, but I then freak out about why I can't just be happy. And leaving the house, which is hard enough to do when you feel that every single thing is without purpose so why get groceries, becomes even harder when you are convinced that something horrific is about to happen.
Today, as I showered, I realized that the depression that started during our first year of marriage has not yet lifted. There are moments of extreme joy and months where I can leave the house just fine, but there are also dark and endless days where it physically pains me to shower and start the car to take Malcolm to school. The thing that hit me most this morning as I lathered up my body wash was that, in trying so hard to be the wife that I thought Jeff wanted, I lost everything about the woman he fell in love with. The confident (most of the time), career loving woman who laughed at everything has morphed into some sad, fat woman.
Admittedly, I do not know how to get this woman back. But I'm at least aware that I want to. And that is progress for me. I'm thankful for a husband who has been patient and tried to learn how to handle someone with chronic, severe depression. And today, I want not to be the wife I THINK he wants, but the woman that I know he loved.
2013/09/20
Storms
Mood: numb
It's been dark on and off all day and I have been patiently waiting for a thunderstorm.
The timing of the ominous thunder and lighting and dark sky is truly impressive. Really, very poetic. Sixteen minutes ago my husband called me from work. He never calls, we just text all day.
His cancer is back. The mass in his lung is cancerous.
And the heavens have opened up in response.
As I watch the trees whip back and forth and the rain pound the street outside, all I can think is that the current climate inside is what I should feel like on the inside.
But I don't. Where there should be tears, my face is dry. The sobs are not coming, but instead are stuck in my throat. I feel nothing. I want to feel pain or anger or hope, anything. But all I can manage is staring out the window in complete and utter shock. I am sure the tears will come, just as the rain is now. I know I will be angry as I watch my husband fight for his life. But right now, I feel nothing. My hands shake and my heart feels as heavy as the tree braving the storm outside, but I am numb. I am without words. I am without feeling.
I am not, however, without love. I am not without hope.
As Malcolm bounces on the couch next to me the knowledge that we must tell him how sick Daddy is soon weighs heavily upon me. But no, I am not without hope. He will have to watch as his Daddy fights and is sick and ceases to be the Daddy he is used to. But Jeff will recover. And Malcolm will bounce back. They're both resilient.
And I? I will stand with them. I will hold Jeff's hand and stroke his head and drive him to and from the hospital. I will play with Malcolm and get him to and from school and make cupcakes for Jeff's birthday on Saturday.
I will hope. And I will love. And I know that we will all be alright. The storm will pass, just as the one outside will as well. And when it has passed, there will be a rainbow and sunshine and a brighter tomorrow.
(I wrote this last night....update.....today we will go to the oncologist and discuss his treatment. We are all as okay as possible, and Malcolm is still blissfully unaware that there is anything wrong with his Daddy. The storm last night ended up being a small tornado in Ankeny....there are trees uprooted and split directly in two. The cupcakes I made are bright and colorful and cheerful and today we will all enjoy one together and celebrate Jeff's birthday. And next year, when I make Jeff birthday cupcakes again, we will celebrate the bravery, strength and courgae of Jeff and this small family in the face of cancer.)
It's been dark on and off all day and I have been patiently waiting for a thunderstorm.
The timing of the ominous thunder and lighting and dark sky is truly impressive. Really, very poetic. Sixteen minutes ago my husband called me from work. He never calls, we just text all day.
His cancer is back. The mass in his lung is cancerous.
And the heavens have opened up in response.
As I watch the trees whip back and forth and the rain pound the street outside, all I can think is that the current climate inside is what I should feel like on the inside.
But I don't. Where there should be tears, my face is dry. The sobs are not coming, but instead are stuck in my throat. I feel nothing. I want to feel pain or anger or hope, anything. But all I can manage is staring out the window in complete and utter shock. I am sure the tears will come, just as the rain is now. I know I will be angry as I watch my husband fight for his life. But right now, I feel nothing. My hands shake and my heart feels as heavy as the tree braving the storm outside, but I am numb. I am without words. I am without feeling.
I am not, however, without love. I am not without hope.
As Malcolm bounces on the couch next to me the knowledge that we must tell him how sick Daddy is soon weighs heavily upon me. But no, I am not without hope. He will have to watch as his Daddy fights and is sick and ceases to be the Daddy he is used to. But Jeff will recover. And Malcolm will bounce back. They're both resilient.
And I? I will stand with them. I will hold Jeff's hand and stroke his head and drive him to and from the hospital. I will play with Malcolm and get him to and from school and make cupcakes for Jeff's birthday on Saturday.
I will hope. And I will love. And I know that we will all be alright. The storm will pass, just as the one outside will as well. And when it has passed, there will be a rainbow and sunshine and a brighter tomorrow.
(I wrote this last night....update.....today we will go to the oncologist and discuss his treatment. We are all as okay as possible, and Malcolm is still blissfully unaware that there is anything wrong with his Daddy. The storm last night ended up being a small tornado in Ankeny....there are trees uprooted and split directly in two. The cupcakes I made are bright and colorful and cheerful and today we will all enjoy one together and celebrate Jeff's birthday. And next year, when I make Jeff birthday cupcakes again, we will celebrate the bravery, strength and courgae of Jeff and this small family in the face of cancer.)
2012/09/17
I (still) Do
Mood: blessed
Jeff -
One year ago I walked down the aisle to your smiling face. I was so sure I would cry. As I stood listening to our prelude music and my father gave me my "something old"
Jeff -
One year ago I walked down the aisle to your smiling face. I was so sure I would cry. As I stood listening to our prelude music and my father gave me my "something old"
(the "it's a girl pin" they received and my hospital bracelet from the day I was born)
I sobbed. I honestly was unsure whether I would even be able to use a steady voice. As I heard "Here Comes My Girl" finish I felt so....right and at peace that I glanced at my dad, saw him smile, and couldn't wait to see your face. I saw you smile, saw Malcolm look at me....and I knew in that instant that my life was forever changed for the better.
I knew on our second date that you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Your passion, humor, responsibility, and smile are just a few of the things that cemented this realization.
So here is a brief history of us in photos:
third date...and first picture of us EVER
seconds after getting engaged.
our engagement photography session
mr. and mrs.
annnnnnnnnnnnd.....
me...just a few seconds ago
One year ago today I felt like a princess. And I married you, my prince. We sipped champagne from my dream Swarovski crystal flutes and I danced with you in a beautiful dress as you smiled. Tonight, I'm wearing yoga pants. I have on a t-shirt, no makeup, and glasses. Yet, as we sipped champagne and ate a piece of our wedding cake...I feel the exact same way that I did one year ago today. Like a princess, with you as my prince.
I still have butterflies in my stomach when I think of you. My face still lights up when somebody says your name or you enter a room. So, Jeff, I STILL do. I still promise every single thing that I vowed to keep close to my heart at our wedding...and tonight I promise even more.
We've talked about the common wisdom that the first year of marriage is the hardest. We haven't had the easiest of times every single day, but I find it hard to believe that marriage only gets easier. Because regardless of the fight, the words, the hurt feelings...it's always temporary. And I cannot imagine a life that you are not a part of.
Jeff, I STILL do. I still cannot believe how lucky I am to fall asleep next to you every single night and wake up to you every morning. I thank God each day that you are the one who loves watching stupid tv shows and youtube videos with me. I am thrilled that it's your hand that holds me when I cry, and your voice that soothes me.
I know that life won't always be easy. I know that marriage requires a life of hard and constant work, and sometimes I slack off. But I also know that there is something magical about us, and that you make me want to be a woman that I only dreamed of being before meeting you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for making me feel like a princess, even when I'm wearing yoga pants. I love you.
2012/09/10
Zooey 101
Mood: anxious
Monday is over! It wasn't a bad Monday to be perfectly honest, but I got super anxious tonight. Like, my chest is tight and keeping an even and steady breath actually takes work at the moment. I have no clue where this anxiety came from. Or what could have triggered it. Work was fine. I felt semi-productive today, and Jeff and I went out for Chinese (my go to comfort food!). So this random super anxiety is both unwelcome and unwarranted.
I'm sitting here attempting to calm down, and it's working a bit. Something that is helping me:
That, dear readers, is the little princess that is Zooey Lilland. All 2.5 pounds of her. She got weighed on the cat scale...that's how little she is. Though, comparing her to this:
...she is HUGE! Okay. Perhaps huge isn't the right word, but oh my goodness is she getting big fast! It's so amazing to watch her grow...and I will continue to say she looks huge to me. I can't wait to see who she turns out to be as a dog. I'm hoping she learns the word "no," and that she starts sleeping through the night...but pretty much everything else can stay! And she can continue to get (a little bit) bigger since my awesome sister (and her Pomeranian princess, Maddie) sent some super cute things for Zooey to grow into!
This little fluff ball is a wonderful reminder of the (almost) year that Jeff and I have spent married. In some ways our marriage is an odd parallel to Zooey's growth as a puppy, we had to learn boundaries, saying and hearing "no" included. Granted I didn't ever have to tell Jeff not to chew my shoes, but you get the idea.
Happy Monday everyone! And may you find something that centers you in times of great stress or anxiety as well!
Monday is over! It wasn't a bad Monday to be perfectly honest, but I got super anxious tonight. Like, my chest is tight and keeping an even and steady breath actually takes work at the moment. I have no clue where this anxiety came from. Or what could have triggered it. Work was fine. I felt semi-productive today, and Jeff and I went out for Chinese (my go to comfort food!). So this random super anxiety is both unwelcome and unwarranted.
I'm sitting here attempting to calm down, and it's working a bit. Something that is helping me:
That, dear readers, is the little princess that is Zooey Lilland. All 2.5 pounds of her. She got weighed on the cat scale...that's how little she is. Though, comparing her to this:
...she is HUGE! Okay. Perhaps huge isn't the right word, but oh my goodness is she getting big fast! It's so amazing to watch her grow...and I will continue to say she looks huge to me. I can't wait to see who she turns out to be as a dog. I'm hoping she learns the word "no," and that she starts sleeping through the night...but pretty much everything else can stay! And she can continue to get (a little bit) bigger since my awesome sister (and her Pomeranian princess, Maddie) sent some super cute things for Zooey to grow into!
This little fluff ball is a wonderful reminder of the (almost) year that Jeff and I have spent married. In some ways our marriage is an odd parallel to Zooey's growth as a puppy, we had to learn boundaries, saying and hearing "no" included. Granted I didn't ever have to tell Jeff not to chew my shoes, but you get the idea.
Happy Monday everyone! And may you find something that centers you in times of great stress or anxiety as well!
2012/07/08
Goodbye
Mood: anxious, sad
It's never been easy to take Malcolm back to his mother's. I have always had a deep hatred for Sunday nights...since I was in 4th grade or so. I get anxious, I get sad, I get really stuck inside my own head. I've written about it before. No sense beating a dead horse.
Annnnnnyway. Like I said, it is NEVER fun to drive Malcolm an hour away and say goodbye. Especially since we won't get to see him for another 2 weeks. I've been stuck with that thought all day...the waiting to say goodbye. And I really didn't want to be stuck with that cause I had that feeling all week last week. The second I saw my parents Monday afternoon it was a constant battle in my head between enjoying the moment in front of me and wallowing in pity that saying goodbye was imminent and quickly approaching. Wednesday I lost the battle between wallowing and was an irresponsible idiot...but the rest of the week I managed to at least wage the internal war.
Now that Jeff and I have had to say goodbye and returned to our normal routine I can't help but get stuck in the feeling of goodbye. It sucks and I'm horrible at them. I hate saying goodbye. I hate feeling goodbye. I hate picking up and moving on when all I want to do is cry and scream about how it's not fair to have sooooooooooo much love around and have to let go of it all sometimes. Physically, that is.
I've gone back and forth about blogging today. I don't like to blog when I'm really stuck inside my head. When I really can't stop the depressing thoughts. When all I can feel is a constant tightness in my throat and chest and the tears burning my eyes. But it isn't fair for me to expect I can only blog happy (or the new/old blog would have been more successful...) so I decided to go ahead and write tonight.
I have Jeff and that in itself is something to be insanely giddy about. And, I have the list of 101 goals I hope to accomplish in the next 1001 (999 since I already started) days. Here it is readers. Enjoy!
It's never been easy to take Malcolm back to his mother's. I have always had a deep hatred for Sunday nights...since I was in 4th grade or so. I get anxious, I get sad, I get really stuck inside my own head. I've written about it before. No sense beating a dead horse.
Annnnnnyway. Like I said, it is NEVER fun to drive Malcolm an hour away and say goodbye. Especially since we won't get to see him for another 2 weeks. I've been stuck with that thought all day...the waiting to say goodbye. And I really didn't want to be stuck with that cause I had that feeling all week last week. The second I saw my parents Monday afternoon it was a constant battle in my head between enjoying the moment in front of me and wallowing in pity that saying goodbye was imminent and quickly approaching. Wednesday I lost the battle between wallowing and was an irresponsible idiot...but the rest of the week I managed to at least wage the internal war.
Now that Jeff and I have had to say goodbye and returned to our normal routine I can't help but get stuck in the feeling of goodbye. It sucks and I'm horrible at them. I hate saying goodbye. I hate feeling goodbye. I hate picking up and moving on when all I want to do is cry and scream about how it's not fair to have sooooooooooo much love around and have to let go of it all sometimes. Physically, that is.
I've gone back and forth about blogging today. I don't like to blog when I'm really stuck inside my head. When I really can't stop the depressing thoughts. When all I can feel is a constant tightness in my throat and chest and the tears burning my eyes. But it isn't fair for me to expect I can only blog happy (or the new/old blog would have been more successful...) so I decided to go ahead and write tonight.
I have Jeff and that in itself is something to be insanely giddy about. And, I have the list of 101 goals I hope to accomplish in the next 1001 (999 since I already started) days. Here it is readers. Enjoy!
101 in
1001
Long-term
goals
Start
Date: July 6, 2012
End
Date: March 30, 2015
1.
Start blogging again
2.
Maintain blog
3.
Pray in color regularly
4.
Start and KEEP a new journal until it is
full. Start a new one when that is full.
5.
Become a biological mother (if it is in God’s
plan)
6.
Add a Pomeranian to the family
7.
Be settled (everything out of boxes) into our
first house
8.
Host a holiday party in our first home
9.
Take Jeff and Malcolm to New York City during
Christmas time
10. Find a
place to worship
11.
Make a statement necklace by myself
12. Completely
reread the Bible
13. Lose and
keep off 30 pounds
14. Make “safe
for Jeff” chocolate chip cookies
15.
Enroll in a graduate program
16. Make a
piece of clothing by hand
17.
Create a family calendar to send to parents at
the holidays
18. Write a
Christmas/holiday letter and cards for 2012 and mail to all people on our
wedding invite list ON TIME
19. Make a “Lilland”
piece of art to hang on the walls in our house
20. Put wedding
photos in frames and display
21. Visit the
capitol building in Des Moines
22. Get lines
of my heart tattoo cleaned up
23. Purchase
and relearn how to use a sewing machine
24. Read an
entire book on marriage
25. Get rid
of (permanently) clothes that have not been worn in 3 months or more
26. Spend a
day organizing make-up and cleaning brushes and bags…give away all colors that
have never been or will not be worn
27. Learn how
to make mom’s Irish stew by heart
28. Find a
method to control nail polish storage clutter
29. Become a
member at a gym
30. Find a
couple with whom we can double date
31. Plan a
romantic weekend for Jeff and I
32. Continue
moving forward in career…no moving backward no matter how scary or hard going
forward is
33. Bake homemade
bread
34. Refurbish
at least one piece of furniture for living space
35. Make throw
pillows by myself
36. Purchase
the entire Scrubs series on DVD
37. Visit
Myth lounge in Omaha with Jeff
38. Master
making pie crust and bake an apple pie from scratch in the fall
39. Get a
couples massage with Jeff
40. Write something
with Jeff
41. Reread the
entire Harry Potter series
42. Dedicate
one month to cleaning something every single day
43. Learn how
to make an authentic Indian curry
44. Develop
a family emergency binder and emergency preparedness kit
45. Take dance
lessons
46. Spend a
weekend in Vegas with Jeff
47. Find a
style of meditation that works for me
48. See a
ballet in person
49. Transfer
contacts from online storage to handwritten leather address book
50. Make a
glittered Starbucks cup
51.
Spend a day skiing
52. Play a
game of miniature golf
53. Learn how
to prepare hollandaise sauce
54. Make an
entire dinner out of appetizers
55. Use chik-fil-a
recipe for Malcolm and Jeff on a weekend
56. Whiten my
teeth
57. Spend one
month doing Pilates every single day
58. Attend
a yoga class
59. Make a
traditional Irish dinner
60. Decide on
a charity with Jeff to donate to
61. Take Malcolm
to Adventureland and ride roller coasters
62. Make my
own homemade body scrub
63. Read a
book on managing personal finances
64. Write creatively
every day for a month
65. Spend one
week without facebook
66. Buy an
investment little black dress
67. Participate
in a 5k
68. Invest in
a new flat iron
69. Avoid fast
food for one month
70. Donate blood
71.
Go shopping for antiques on a Saturday
72. Bake and
decorate Christmas cookies with Malcolm
73. Craft
my own wire knot ring
74. Buy a
classic, red Chanel lipstick
75. Watch the
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade
76. Visit the
Iowa State Fair
77. Go to
Tulip Time in Pella and send Dutch letters home to Pennsylvania
78. Get a
kitten for Malcolm
79. Learn how
to curl my own hair with a flat iron
80.Spend one month doing random
acts of kindness for strangers
81. Read “Love
Wins” by Rob Bell
82. Tour a
brewery
83. Beat Super
Mario Bros. on Wii
84. Learn how
to play chess
85. Send a
piece of writing in for publication
86. Attend a
KU men’s basketball game in Lawrence at Allen Fieldhouse
87. Watch the
original “Star Wars”
88.Color every page in a coloring
book…even if I don’t like the picture
89. Buy a
pair of Tom’s
90. Wake up
and take a random day trip to an unplanned destination
91. Upcycle
a pair of old flared jeans to make them a colored skinny pair
92. Locate a
ballet class or order DVDs online and start ballet again
93. Finish reading
“An Altar in the World” by Barbara Brown Taylor
94. Spend a
weekend going through wardrobe and get rid of sloppy, college clothes to start
putting together a more polished one
95. Find an
organization to volunteer with
96. Spend an
afternoon at a winery
97. Take a
self-defense class
98. Redesign
and personalize blog to increase traffic
99. Spend one
month getting up earlier to stretch, and put together a polished look each day
100.
Send out all Christmas 2012 presents BEFORE
Christmas
101.
Break addiction to caffeine gradually
2011/09/04
Happy Anniversary....(Mom and Dad)
Mood: ...awkward pause....
So here's what I've learned during the engagement process. People love a bride. They love a groom. They love seeing a couple in love. People love a wedding and offering advice and congratulations.
And they will ask when the wedding is, sometimes they will ask where the wedding is, and 95% of the time....how long the bride and groom have been together. Thusly I have learned the following: people have no idea whatsoever how to react when they hear the bride and groom will be getting married six months to the day from first setting eyes on each other.
The inevitable response that follows is "well (awkward pause) I guess when you know, you know." It's true. And it would be cooler without the awkward pause...but I can't say that I hate the response. And I can't hold it against people. In a world of extended adolescence and subsequently stunted maturity...it's not unusual to hear of the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 year relationship that started in or around college and just...never ended. Do those end in marriage? Some do. Some don't.
I'm not saying that's wrong. But either is getting married in a short period of time. My parents made it from first date to altar in 5 months. Is their marriage perfect? Far from it. But today, 13 days before Jeff and I commit to a life together my parents are celebrating 28 years of marriage. I admire that. And I hope that Jeff and I will celebrate 28 years....well....28 years from now.
There is certainly more that I've learned from the engagement process. I've loved every (okay...almost every) second of it. And I can't wait to be a bride...but mostly...I can't wait to be officially married and be Jeff's wife. It's completely surreal at this moment that this IS all happening...but I couldn't be happier.
So here's what I've learned during the engagement process. People love a bride. They love a groom. They love seeing a couple in love. People love a wedding and offering advice and congratulations.
And they will ask when the wedding is, sometimes they will ask where the wedding is, and 95% of the time....how long the bride and groom have been together. Thusly I have learned the following: people have no idea whatsoever how to react when they hear the bride and groom will be getting married six months to the day from first setting eyes on each other.
The inevitable response that follows is "well (awkward pause) I guess when you know, you know." It's true. And it would be cooler without the awkward pause...but I can't say that I hate the response. And I can't hold it against people. In a world of extended adolescence and subsequently stunted maturity...it's not unusual to hear of the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 year relationship that started in or around college and just...never ended. Do those end in marriage? Some do. Some don't.
I'm not saying that's wrong. But either is getting married in a short period of time. My parents made it from first date to altar in 5 months. Is their marriage perfect? Far from it. But today, 13 days before Jeff and I commit to a life together my parents are celebrating 28 years of marriage. I admire that. And I hope that Jeff and I will celebrate 28 years....well....28 years from now.
There is certainly more that I've learned from the engagement process. I've loved every (okay...almost every) second of it. And I can't wait to be a bride...but mostly...I can't wait to be officially married and be Jeff's wife. It's completely surreal at this moment that this IS all happening...but I couldn't be happier.
2011/08/17
What's in a Name?
Mood: excited....sick...scared....content
So...this morning I posted on Jeff's fb wall....as he was posting on mine...that we get married in 31 days. 31 days!!!!!!
This past weekend, Jeff and I met up with Mommy and Daddy (mine) and picked up pretty much everything they had for the wedding. Including the dress. The dress!!!!! This is all so exciting and humbling and amazing.
One year...and a few days ago...I started this blog. Thinking about that, I remember where I was. What I was doing. What I was hoping I would be doing. I was praying that I would soon be a Director of Christian Education. I currently am.
And this year? I'm looking forward to a new title:
While gaining the title of wife, (step)mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law...I'm losing some.
I have resigned from my position as Director of Christian Education. While there have been a multitude of events and happenings that led to my decision...the only one that I need to discuss here is that it's part of my new life. Moving forward. Leaving some things behind. But taking the most important things with me.
It's so odd how we identify ourselves by names and titles and roles that we play. We are workers. We are friends. Above all, we are human. And all we can ask for on any given day is that we do our best given what we've got. And that we find the joy in what we have, what we want, and what we're willing to make happen.
As I leave behind my professional title (and office with my own stained glass windows...) I find that I'm sad...but content. I take with me the most satisfying and important part of my job: the relationships I formed with the youth here. And I leave behind the drama and the anxiety and the negative feelings.
Moving on isn't always about moving up...sometimes it's just the movement that's important. The change of a name. The letting go of a defining role. The understanding that you still exist even if a change in title makes you unsure that you do.
Today's better thing? The thing that makes me feel good and happy? Looking at the cosmetic case I purchased for myself for the honeymoon. Grieving the loss of my professional title (uh...not to mention the CB from my last name....eeek!) while remembering that I'm still me. I'm the person who started this blog last August, the CE position in October...only now I'm a bit wiser, far healthier, certainly less single (YAY)...and I have an impending name change.
So...this morning I posted on Jeff's fb wall....as he was posting on mine...that we get married in 31 days. 31 days!!!!!!
This past weekend, Jeff and I met up with Mommy and Daddy (mine) and picked up pretty much everything they had for the wedding. Including the dress. The dress!!!!! This is all so exciting and humbling and amazing.
One year...and a few days ago...I started this blog. Thinking about that, I remember where I was. What I was doing. What I was hoping I would be doing. I was praying that I would soon be a Director of Christian Education. I currently am.
And this year? I'm looking forward to a new title:
While gaining the title of wife, (step)mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law...I'm losing some.
I have resigned from my position as Director of Christian Education. While there have been a multitude of events and happenings that led to my decision...the only one that I need to discuss here is that it's part of my new life. Moving forward. Leaving some things behind. But taking the most important things with me.
It's so odd how we identify ourselves by names and titles and roles that we play. We are workers. We are friends. Above all, we are human. And all we can ask for on any given day is that we do our best given what we've got. And that we find the joy in what we have, what we want, and what we're willing to make happen.
As I leave behind my professional title (and office with my own stained glass windows...) I find that I'm sad...but content. I take with me the most satisfying and important part of my job: the relationships I formed with the youth here. And I leave behind the drama and the anxiety and the negative feelings.
Moving on isn't always about moving up...sometimes it's just the movement that's important. The change of a name. The letting go of a defining role. The understanding that you still exist even if a change in title makes you unsure that you do.
Today's better thing? The thing that makes me feel good and happy? Looking at the cosmetic case I purchased for myself for the honeymoon. Grieving the loss of my professional title (uh...not to mention the CB from my last name....eeek!) while remembering that I'm still me. I'm the person who started this blog last August, the CE position in October...only now I'm a bit wiser, far healthier, certainly less single (YAY)...and I have an impending name change.
2011/08/02
Shut Up and Drive
Mood: i'ma back!
Luigi says that in Super Mario Bros. when I've killed him enough times to warrant a continue. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd there are plenty of continues on the game Jeff and I are currently working on.
As I started to type this entry (this is the 3rd one for today)...I felt kind of lost. It's weird trying to keep people updated on the nice things you're doing for yourself when you lose track too. And it's all too easy to just stop doing nice things altogether. Given the current economy, it's all a lot of us can do to just keep "getting through the day" while attempting to squeeze every last bit of happiness out of our free time. What little we have anyway. And as my happiness squeezing occurs in the form of the fiance and the epic (step)son...thus 2.5 hours away from where I manage to somehow "get through the day"...I'm on the road a lot. And I feel like I'm not DOING a lot. But seriously....how are these faces not worth the time on the road?
I sooooo had to include Yoda (the dog) in that one. He's worth the trip as well.
Anyway. I've talked to Jeff about the driving. Well...more bitched about the driving. The thing is...there is no way around it right now. We both work and we both need to continue to work. And we live 2.5 hours away. So...there's either drive time or no drive time. And before Jeff looks like the bad guy refusing to come my way every once in a while...that is certainly not the case at all. It just doesn't make any sense to come out this way. When we have the boy...it's way too far of a drive and there's nothing in my apartment that is even remotely little boy friendly. And when we don't have the boy...well...Jeff's on call thus has to be able to have the ability to get to the office orrrrrrrrrr we're just not in town period. Thus...I drive.
And as I got to thinking randomly and typing a few other blogs that came to mind first...I kept thinking about this Oscar Wilde quote I found a little bit ago while doing random research for the wedding:
So here's where the whole nice thing comes into play. During the wedding planning process Jeff and I have done a lot of talking. We talk a ton anyway. And if you know me...or hell read the blog...you know I talk a lot as it is. The thing I love most about conversations with Jeff? We can have 10 going at the same time and 2 can be super serious about commitment and marriage while 2 are about facebook and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's effortless with him. Sure there have been uncomfortable discussions...upsetting subject matter...fights even...but it's an ongoing dialogue. And it comes from this really genuine mutual respect and affection for what the other is saying/has to say/has said.
It seems that things happen even while you're unaware that they are. Jeff and I are creating this truly awesome foundation for marriage...and a lifetime of being each other's partner. So even if I feel like my car is the only thing I'm putting miles on...I do KNOW that Jeff and I are creating something pretty sweet. And he treats me like...not a princess. Not a queen even. Goddess? I don't know that words do it justice without creating a weird cliche and stereotype...but he certainly never acts as though I'm normal. Which I'm not...but that's a different blog altogether...
So the nice things continue to happen...even if it's unconsciously...because once you've decided you're going to change something...this ripple effect takes a serious hold on your life...and nice things are happening to and for you without you even knowing. And that's realllllllllllly nice.
Luigi says that in Super Mario Bros. when I've killed him enough times to warrant a continue. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd there are plenty of continues on the game Jeff and I are currently working on.
As I started to type this entry (this is the 3rd one for today)...I felt kind of lost. It's weird trying to keep people updated on the nice things you're doing for yourself when you lose track too. And it's all too easy to just stop doing nice things altogether. Given the current economy, it's all a lot of us can do to just keep "getting through the day" while attempting to squeeze every last bit of happiness out of our free time. What little we have anyway. And as my happiness squeezing occurs in the form of the fiance and the epic (step)son...thus 2.5 hours away from where I manage to somehow "get through the day"...I'm on the road a lot. And I feel like I'm not DOING a lot. But seriously....how are these faces not worth the time on the road?
I sooooo had to include Yoda (the dog) in that one. He's worth the trip as well.
Anyway. I've talked to Jeff about the driving. Well...more bitched about the driving. The thing is...there is no way around it right now. We both work and we both need to continue to work. And we live 2.5 hours away. So...there's either drive time or no drive time. And before Jeff looks like the bad guy refusing to come my way every once in a while...that is certainly not the case at all. It just doesn't make any sense to come out this way. When we have the boy...it's way too far of a drive and there's nothing in my apartment that is even remotely little boy friendly. And when we don't have the boy...well...Jeff's on call thus has to be able to have the ability to get to the office orrrrrrrrrr we're just not in town period. Thus...I drive.
And as I got to thinking randomly and typing a few other blogs that came to mind first...I kept thinking about this Oscar Wilde quote I found a little bit ago while doing random research for the wedding:
how can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
So here's where the whole nice thing comes into play. During the wedding planning process Jeff and I have done a lot of talking. We talk a ton anyway. And if you know me...or hell read the blog...you know I talk a lot as it is. The thing I love most about conversations with Jeff? We can have 10 going at the same time and 2 can be super serious about commitment and marriage while 2 are about facebook and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's effortless with him. Sure there have been uncomfortable discussions...upsetting subject matter...fights even...but it's an ongoing dialogue. And it comes from this really genuine mutual respect and affection for what the other is saying/has to say/has said.
It seems that things happen even while you're unaware that they are. Jeff and I are creating this truly awesome foundation for marriage...and a lifetime of being each other's partner. So even if I feel like my car is the only thing I'm putting miles on...I do KNOW that Jeff and I are creating something pretty sweet. And he treats me like...not a princess. Not a queen even. Goddess? I don't know that words do it justice without creating a weird cliche and stereotype...but he certainly never acts as though I'm normal. Which I'm not...but that's a different blog altogether...
So the nice things continue to happen...even if it's unconsciously...because once you've decided you're going to change something...this ripple effect takes a serious hold on your life...and nice things are happening to and for you without you even knowing. And that's realllllllllllly nice.
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