Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley.

Mood:  scared, exhausted


When we got the news that Jeff's cancer had returned and that he would need three months of chemotherapy, I made a promise to myself that I was going to blog my way through the experience. And so, I write tonight. Bear with me. I am running on 5 hours of sleep and a day from hell. As I started this post I got angry at myself for not writing more of this journey. But, it occurred to me that we have only gotten through one full 5 day cycle of chemo. He has about 8 more to go. It's been just over a week....

That week has felt like a million years. I'm positive that I have aged at least 20 years.

Jeff has tolerated the chemo fairly well, and at the end of his third day we were actually pretty hopeful that he'd get through this without much discomfort and pain. The end of his third day was two days before my last post. Perhaps we got too excited too quick, or perhaps we were just incredibly naive about what this process really is.

The thing is, you really don't know much about chemo and cancer and IVs and pills until you are forced to know. I've always valued knowledge and learning and books but I find, as I sit here too scared to sleep, crying for my husband, for Malcolm, for myself and the loss of some imaginary sense of innocence, that there really is truth to the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing.

I know now, that cancer and chemo seem to be one step forward and three miles back.

I spent all of last night and this morning trapped in my head and hating myself. I got my period for the first time in a year and I hated that it's more confirmation that I can't have a child and that I was even thinking about given our current situation. I hated how fat I have gotten and that I haven't done a damn thing about it. I hated that I have no "best" friends in Iowa and that I'm too scared to get close enough to people to make any. I hated that sometimes I feel like I have no best friend at all. I hated that my sister is too far away and I haven't spoken to my brother in a year and that my mom could do nothing more than listen to me sob over the phone. I hated that Malcolm saw me cry and that he kissed my stomach to make me feel better and all I could do was cry more.

I hated so, so much today.

Jeff was running a fever all day. I hated watching him try to fight it. I hated that he seemed to be unable to do so.

He has been admitted to the hospital with the fever and a low white blood cell count. And I sit on the couch, alone, crying. And scared. The one thing I did know going into this battle is that it is very rarely cancer that takes a patient. It is an illness or infection that they just can't fight. And I am trying so, so hard to KNOW that Jeff is not going to go due to an illness...but I also told myself he wouldn't get this bad. I told myself the cancer was gone after his surgery in April. I seem adept at lying to myself.

And while I have no idea what will happen later tonight or tomorrow morning or the next day, I do know that I don't hate the fact that Jeff is in the hospital. I don't hate that I can't breath because my throat is so tight from choking on tears. I don't hate that Malcolm left the hospital telling me how much he was going to miss Daddy tonight. I don't hate any of that because I am just so aware of what I do have. I am alive. I have Malcolm to talk to, even if it's sad and scary sometimes. And I have a husband I love that I get to see tomorrow morning. And I have a Pomeranian cuddled on my lap, licking away the salty tears.

I have a great iTunes playlist going. I have a pink glittery cup holding my water. And I have people reading this. This might not get read by many people, I don't know. But if it does, I hope it gives you some hope. Or a bit of happiness. Life is scary. As much as we learn and plan and love and think, so much is out of our control. Sometimes it's important to remember that. And to stop fighting for control for a moment and to just be. And to allow what will happen to happen.

And if God is reading this,

Help.

Sincerely,

Ashley

Truth Is.....

Mood:  frantic




Okay readers, here's the deal.  I wait to post until I KNOW what I want to say.  Or at least I know why I want to say something.  I only post when I have been able to let an idea marinate and everything fits cohesively, if only in my head.  Tonight is completely different.  I KNOW that I have to blog, but I have no idea why.  I don't even know what to say.  

I'm having one of those days, weeks really, where I feel like I am a complete stranger to myself.  I know things about me...here's a list

I am going to be 29 this year
I drink waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much caffeine
I have my dad's blue eyes
I have a BS from Millersville University
I have 4 tattoos and 10 piercings between 2 ears (though at least 3 of the holes never have earrings anymore and may very well be closed over)
I like writing
I laugh a lot
I love whiny college music even though it has been nearly 7 years since I graduated
I want to finish graduate school

That last one kind of just came out.  Somewhere from deep inside me...that still small voice said it.  Stupid.  I don't want to want to finish my Master of Divinity because...well because it's scary.

All day I've had two things running through my head...an Optimus Prime quote (yeah...that surprised me too) and a song by The Starting Line.  And all day these two things have been literally gnawing at me until I finally sat down to write this blog and then...BAM!  There's this random thought on my computer screen.  I deleted it once.  Then retyped it and deleted it again.  But I do want to finish.  So in print it stays.

Back to the gnawing.

Optimus sagely tells Sam that "fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing."  I have this audio clip on my phone.  All day I have been hearing Optimus give this advice.  First quietly.  Then loudly.  Now...I can't hear a thing.  I'm overwhelmed.

I just finished an Anne Lamott book.  I love her.  In the book she talks about how obnoxious God is.  Sending these small signals until we have been beaten into submission all but tearing out hair out going "ALRIGHT ALREADY I HEAR YOU."

Apparently I've hit that point.  Here's what is really awful about wanting to finish school.  I originally attended graduate school on a full scholarship.  Not to say that grad school was cheap, it was very much NOT cheap.  But my tuition was covered.  And I threw it away.  Just like that.  I gave up.  So I feel like I don't even deserve to want to go back.  

And here's where I have a huge issue with God.  I cannot go back right now.  It is not a possibility.  There is no way financially to make this happen.  But I KNOW that until I go back...well...I won't feel right.  And I didn't know that until right this second.

I got a message the other night from a dear seminary friend.  I haven't answered it yet, as I just don't know what to say.  I am so ashamed of my exit from school that...I just don't have words. But that was one of the last annoying nudges from God.  Then Optimus.  Then The Starting Line.  The song is titled "Best of Me."  It isn't necessarily the song itself...but the title.  And the band name.  I am at a starting line.  Of sorts I guess.  And I keep getting smacked in the face by small things that remind me of what I am supposed to do.  And finally, it came out.  The admission.  The truth.

Readers, I never post without at least one thorough proofread.  Tonight I just can't even read through this myself.  Admitting the truth has been exhausting.  But exhilarating.  

So.  Here I am.  My truth hanging out there for all to see.  To judge.  To know.  I feel naked.  But I feel good.  

Thank you for bearing witness to my truth.  And I hope you realize your own in good time. 

Okay....Here Goes

Mood:  ....

I'm leaving my mood blank.  Not because I don't have one, mainly because I have too many at any given time right now.

I haven't blogged in 3 months.  I haven't done much of anything I'm proud of in three months.  In fact I'm not sure I've really done ANYTHING in three months.

Life has a funny way of getting away from you.  I suspect all of us feel this way at some point or another.  I certainly feel that way now.  In November my graduating high school class celebrated our 10 year reunion.  10 years?  How did that time just disappear?  

For the past few days I've been doing some pretty serious self reflection.  I've made some choices recently which forced my hand in the self examination arena.  Which, at my best moments, I am truly thankful for.

I'm probably not a bad person.  I'm certainly not the worst person to live...but I don't feel like a good person either.  I don't feel good about myself.  In the last 8 hours or so I've realized I can continue to feel that way or I can continue to do the painful work of continuing to look at who I am.  Who I want to be.  And I want to be good.  I want to be somebody that my husband and stepson and parents and siblings are proud of.  I want to be somebody that I am proud of.

This takes work.  And it takes a starting place.  I have no idea where to begin.  But I am reminded of a quote from an art book I loved reading in college.  There was a dog pictured with his face to the second step of a staircase (incidentally the title of the book is Face to Face with the Second Step).  The quote below it read...and as I can't find the exact quote this may just be the basic idea behind it...: 

Still, you know you have to start somewhere. And asking a question is as good a place as any even if you KNOW the for now, silence is all you will hear.

Friends, readers, internet land...that's where I am.  I have nothing but questions.  Some that I've imposed upon myself.  Others that I ponder.  Many that may never be met with anything but silence.  

I'd like to say that THIS time I will ask all the scary and hard questions.  God, life, science, nature, politics...ALL those life questions.  I won't.  But that's okay.  As long as I can start to ask the questions I need to in order to discover my truth...I'm going to be okay.  As long as I ask questions that keep leading myself and my family forward in a positive direction I'm okay. And as long as I keep getting up, breathing in and out, and putting one foot in front of the other I'm okay.

I pray you are too during this holiday season.  I am going to try to return to my nice things daily routine of blogging.  I need that for myself.  And it was nice to know others cared and were reading. 

Blessings. 

Zooey 101

Mood:  anxious


Monday is over!  It wasn't a bad Monday to be perfectly honest, but I got super anxious tonight.  Like, my chest is tight and keeping an even and steady breath actually takes work at the moment.  I have no clue where this anxiety came from.  Or what could have triggered it.  Work was fine.  I felt semi-productive today, and Jeff and I went out for Chinese (my go to comfort food!).  So this random super anxiety is both unwelcome and unwarranted.

I'm sitting here attempting to calm down, and it's working a bit.  Something that is helping me:

That, dear readers, is the little princess that is Zooey Lilland.  All 2.5 pounds of her.  She got weighed on the cat scale...that's how little she is.  Though, comparing her to this:

...she is HUGE!  Okay.  Perhaps huge isn't the right word, but oh my goodness is she getting big fast!  It's so amazing to watch her grow...and I will continue to say she looks huge to me.  I can't wait to see who she turns out to be as a dog.  I'm hoping she learns the word "no," and that she starts sleeping through the night...but pretty much everything else can stay!  And she can continue to get (a little bit) bigger since my awesome sister (and her Pomeranian princess, Maddie) sent some super cute things for Zooey to grow into!  

This little fluff ball is a wonderful reminder of the (almost) year that Jeff and I have spent married.  In some ways our marriage is an odd parallel to Zooey's growth as a puppy, we had to learn boundaries, saying and hearing "no" included.  Granted I didn't ever have to tell Jeff not to chew my shoes, but you get the idea.  

Happy Monday everyone!  And may you find something that centers you in times of great stress or anxiety as well!

Oh, Baby

Mood:  anxious, happy



This may be the most personal post that I have authored to date.  It's been a long month being away from the blog.  I've wanted to write, but I haven't been able to sit down and write anything coherent.  The truth is, I find it hard to write about one thing when in reality I'm thinking about something else.  For the past month there has been one thing on my mind and in my heart:  babies.

I think it's pretty normal after you've been married for a bit to assume that people are going to ask "soooooo, when are you two having kids?"  This question seems to come up a lot.  I don't have an answer to it.  I wish more than anything in this world that I did, but I just don't.  

Anyway.  I've been avoiding blogging about having a baby for a whole month.  I can't any longer.  There is nothing on TV this afternoon and Malcolm is down for a nap.  Jeff and I have a thing for Discovery Fit and Health so I flipped to that.  On Discovery Fit and Health right now (literally as I type) is a show titled Bio Moms.  Naturally I decide to watch.  And I was doing fine with the whole show until a birth scene.  No, there was nothing ewwwie or gross (since I can be rather squeamis)...it was just utterly heartbreaking.  

I can't imagine placing a baby up for adoption and yet that is not why I found my eyes brimming with tears.  Rather, my stomach knotted up in pain for the adoptive mother.  She was in the birthing suite with the bio mom and as the bio mom screamed in pain, the adoptive mother wept.  And I want to cry for her, with her.  

Let me state very plainly that I do not want to diminish the role of the birth mother.  I do not want to appear callous to the pain that she is suffering, both physical and emotional.  But I identify with the adoptive mother.  Why?  Because that could be me.  

Without discussing the level of trying Jeff and I are or are not engaged in....there is a possibility that I may never be a birth mother.  I've known this since my sixteenth birthday. Seriously, that's when the OB broke the news to me (uhhh crappy present Dr. H).  And at that point in my life it didn't matter.  I was 16, I had no boyfriend or sex life...or even the desire to be a mother.  I have always been a girly girl (to the extreme) but I never really imagined myself as mother.  I played teacher, but I don't remember extensive games of "mother."  I liked my American Girl doll because she was pretty and I could change her outfits more than for the fact that I could pretend to be her mommy.  So when, at 16, I learned this about myself...it seemed inconsequential.  

However, it affected me more than I was willing to admit.  I have lived my adult life as if there was an expiration date on my foot regarding my fertility.  The age of expiration has come and gone.  And now, happily married, I find myself succumbing to the external pressure to have a child.  That's out of my control, I know...and I am trying to stay positive.  But as that adoptive mother shook with sobs...something in me broke.

Having, or not having a child is such a personal thing.  Thus I have stayed away from the topic on this blog as much as possible.  But everyday in some form I encounter this question. And the conversation is pretty much always the same.

"So, when are you guys having a child?"
"Oh, we are just adjusting to married life...hopefully some day"
"Well, are you thinking about it"  and then there is generally a comment such as "well you know, you're almost 30 and...."

I know that this is never meant as criticism.  Nor do people realize that there may be a reason as to why a couple is not having children.  These things are so intensely private, especially for one struggling with the knowledge that this conversation may end one day in me having to say "We aren't having a child because I can't."

As I watched this woman...who was unable to conceive...go through this I could not shake the feeling of defeat.  To have to stand there watching someone go through labor that they view as an annoyance (the bio mom stated this) when you would have given anything in the world to be the one in that bed....it just broke my heart.  Sure there is more to being a mother than carrying and giving birth to a child, but what a distinct honor and blessing it is to be able to do so. 

Again, without discussing anything about Jeff and I and where we are...I haven't given up hope that one day when the time is right we will have a child.  Until then, I have to continue to believe that we are where we are supposed to be.  

Goodbye

Mood:  anxious, sad


It's never been easy to take Malcolm back to his mother's.  I have always had a deep hatred for Sunday nights...since I was in 4th grade or so.  I get anxious, I get sad, I get really stuck inside my own head.  I've written about it before.  No sense beating a dead horse.


Annnnnnyway.  Like I said, it is NEVER fun to drive Malcolm an hour away and say goodbye.  Especially since we won't get to see him for another 2 weeks.  I've been stuck with that thought all day...the waiting to say goodbye.  And I really didn't want to be stuck with that cause I had that feeling all week last week.  The second I saw my parents Monday afternoon it was a constant battle in my head between enjoying the moment in front of me and wallowing in pity that saying goodbye was imminent and quickly approaching.  Wednesday I lost the battle between wallowing and was an irresponsible idiot...but the rest of the week I managed to at least wage the internal war.  


Now that Jeff and I have had to say goodbye and returned to our normal routine I can't help but get stuck in the feeling of goodbye.  It sucks and I'm horrible at them.  I hate saying goodbye.  I hate feeling goodbye.  I hate picking up and moving on when all I want to do is cry and scream about how it's not fair to have sooooooooooo much love around and have to let go of it all sometimes.  Physically, that is.


I've gone back and forth about blogging today.  I don't like to blog when I'm really stuck inside my head.  When I really can't stop the depressing thoughts.  When all I can feel is a constant tightness in my throat and chest and the tears burning my eyes.  But it isn't fair for me to expect I can only blog happy (or the new/old blog would have been more successful...) so I decided to go ahead and write tonight.  


I have Jeff and that in itself is something to be insanely giddy about.  And, I have the list of 101 goals I hope to accomplish in the next 1001 (999 since I already started) days.  Here it is readers.  Enjoy!

101 in 1001

Long-term goals

Start Date:  July 6, 2012

End Date:    March 30, 2015

1.       Start blogging again

2.      Maintain blog

3.      Pray in color regularly

4.      Start and KEEP a new journal until it is full.  Start a new one when that is full.

5.      Become a biological mother (if it is in God’s plan)

6.      Add a Pomeranian to the family

7.      Be settled (everything out of boxes) into our first house

8.     Host a holiday party in our first home

9.      Take Jeff and Malcolm to New York City during Christmas time

10.  Find a place to worship

11.   Make a statement necklace by myself

12.  Completely reread the Bible

13.  Lose and keep off 30 pounds

14.  Make “safe for Jeff” chocolate chip cookies

15.   Enroll in a graduate program

16.  Make a piece of clothing by hand

17.   Create a family calendar to send to parents at the holidays

18.  Write a Christmas/holiday letter and cards for 2012 and mail to all people on our wedding invite list ON TIME

19.  Make a “Lilland” piece of art to hang on the walls in our house

20. Put wedding photos in frames and display

21.  Visit the capitol building in Des Moines

22. Get lines of my heart tattoo cleaned up

23. Purchase and relearn how to use a sewing machine

24. Read an entire book on marriage

25.  Get rid of (permanently) clothes that have not been worn in 3 months or more

26. Spend a day organizing make-up and cleaning brushes and bags…give away all colors that have never been or will not be worn

27.  Learn how to make mom’s Irish stew by heart

28. Find a method to control nail polish storage clutter

29. Become a member at a gym

30. Find a couple with whom we can double date

31.  Plan a romantic weekend for Jeff and I

32. Continue moving forward in career…no moving backward no matter how scary or hard going forward is

33. Bake homemade bread

34. Refurbish at least one piece of furniture for living space

35.  Make throw pillows by myself

36. Purchase the entire Scrubs series on DVD

37.  Visit Myth lounge in Omaha with Jeff

38. Master making pie crust and bake an apple pie from scratch in the fall

39. Get a couples massage with Jeff

40. Write something with Jeff

41.  Reread the entire Harry Potter series

42. Dedicate one month to cleaning something every single day

43. Learn how to make an authentic Indian curry

44. Develop a family emergency binder and emergency preparedness kit

45.  Take dance lessons

46. Spend a weekend in Vegas with Jeff

47.  Find a style of meditation that works for me

48. See a ballet in person

49. Transfer contacts from online storage to handwritten leather address book

50. Make a glittered Starbucks cup

51.   Spend a day skiing

52.  Play a game of miniature golf

53.  Learn how to prepare hollandaise sauce

54.  Make an entire dinner out of appetizers

55.  Use chik-fil-a recipe for Malcolm and Jeff on a weekend

56.  Whiten my teeth

57.  Spend one month doing Pilates every single day

58. Attend a yoga class

59.  Make a traditional Irish dinner

60. Decide on a charity with Jeff to donate to

61.  Take Malcolm to Adventureland and ride roller coasters

62. Make my own homemade body scrub

63. Read a book on managing personal finances

64. Write creatively every day for a month

65.  Spend one week without facebook

66. Buy an investment little black dress

67.  Participate in a 5k

68. Invest in a new flat iron

69. Avoid fast food for one month

70. Donate blood

71.   Go shopping for antiques on a Saturday

72.  Bake and decorate Christmas cookies with Malcolm

73.  Craft my own wire knot ring

74.  Buy a classic, red Chanel lipstick

75.  Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade

76.  Visit the Iowa State Fair

77.  Go to Tulip Time in Pella and send Dutch letters home to Pennsylvania

78. Get a kitten for Malcolm

79.  Learn how to curl my own hair with a flat iron

80.Spend one month doing random acts of kindness for strangers

81.  Read “Love Wins” by Rob Bell

82. Tour a brewery

83. Beat Super Mario Bros. on Wii

84. Learn how to play chess

85. Send a piece of writing in for publication

86. Attend a KU men’s basketball game in Lawrence at Allen Fieldhouse

87. Watch the original “Star Wars”

88.Color every page in a coloring book…even if I don’t like the picture

89. Buy a pair of Tom’s

90. Wake up and take a random day trip to an unplanned destination

91.  Upcycle a pair of old flared jeans to make them a colored skinny pair

92. Locate a ballet class or order DVDs online and start ballet again

93. Finish reading “An Altar in the World” by Barbara Brown Taylor

94. Spend a weekend going through wardrobe and get rid of sloppy, college clothes to start putting together a more polished one

95.  Find an organization to volunteer with

96. Spend an afternoon at a winery

97.  Take a self-defense class

98. Redesign and personalize blog to increase traffic

99. Spend one month getting up earlier to stretch, and put together a polished look each day

100.                     Send out all Christmas 2012 presents BEFORE Christmas

101.                      Break addiction to caffeine gradually

Ashley Getting Married

Mood:  anxious, excited, scared, hopeful




....and the list continues.  The wedding is 40 days away!  Yikes!  There is sooooooooooooo much left to be done that it's insane.  But while the wedding has me stressed, it's nothing that isn't manageable.  It's more the career that has me freaking out.  It took me quite some time to pinpoint what was going on with me today...but I managed to do so.


When I feel something just isn't right and I have a ton of things on my mind...I turn to writing.  If I know what's going on...I blog.  If I'm completely at a loss...I write in my journal.  Today was definitely a journal before blogging day.  I am the type of person that always has a million and one things running through my head at any given time.  That's always really fun when trying to fall asleep.  With the wedding added to the head...it's mass chaos in there.  Honestly. So as I drove from Ankeny to Storm Lake today, freaking out, I thought.  A lot.  About why I was freaking out. 


So when I got into my office...it was all business.  Answering e-mails, scheduling meetings, taking phone calls.  And then the journal.  As I wrote I listed all of the things that were scaring me.  The list includes, but is by no means limited to:


- the cornfields are getting seriously high (and yes...that really does freak me out!)
- the wedding is 40 days away and there are so many unfinished things
- my shoulder has been hurting now for over a week with seemingly no cause
- I'm panicking that I'm getting more and more anxious than I have been in a long time
- there is no longer a sense of satisfaction in my career


The thing that was noticeably absent from the list?  Getting married.  Yes, the wedding is on it.  But that is all about the details of the actual event.   I forgot to call the caterer today (AGAIN).  I still haven't picked out my flowers, the dress might need more alteration, who is cutting the cake, at what time do we do our first dance?  Those kinds of things.  Literally the details.  And I know that sometimes this blog is about the details, and it's always been about the little things...but today's nice and better thing comes from something really huge.


I sat there writing about how I was so NOT scared about getting married.  Then the over analyzer in me kicked in and I started wondering whether or not I was supposed to be scared that I wasn't scared.  When I finally got myself to shut up long enough to listen to myself (honestly...the head...it's like...a crazy crowded waiting room with 900 conversations going at one time) I allowed myself to be unscared.  To be perfectly content that I am perfectly content in getting married.  In being married.  In starting a life with somebody else.  That is a HUGE thing.  


So as I finished writing in the journal, and as I finish this blog...I've come to realize what IS bugging me.  It has to do with career and uncertainty.  But what isn't freaking me out is far more important to me.  And far more important to life, if you ask me.  Yes you need money...and I would be unhappy not working, but a life without love...I'll pass.  So while I'll have to live for now with a fair amount of unknowns about my future, the one thing I DO know...without a single hesitation or pause...is that I couldn't be happier, or more excited to be marrying Jeff in 40 days (actually 39 days and 3 hours...but who's counting?).  


And it was an entire year of noticing the details and the small things, and taking joy in them...taking risks...that has gotten me to this point today.  


And writing it all down?  I feel better...and that's what this is all about...

The Clouds in Your Eyes...

Mood:  ...all you have to do is cry




I've had two really rough weeks in a row.  Hence the lack of blogging.  Vacation Bible School ran from June 6-10 and was....church craziness at it's finest.  125 kids, 5 days, myself and 1 other volunteer....I was dead at the end of that week.  So the fiance and I were super stoked to have the next week be a 2 day work week and a visit home to PA.


That week?  I'd rather take an entire year of VBS's in a row than relive last week.


There were definitely some positive things that came out of the trip....check out this AMAZING work by an extremely talented high school friend:




http://www.tinajayphotography.com/blog/2011/06/rose-gardens-allentown-engagement-photographer/


Here's a little taste of what's in there:

Seriously....check it out....I've never seen myself look that happy.  Which is awesome cause it's a genuine reflection of how I feel inside.


Or how I felt inside.  The thing about going home is that...well...here's a quote from Garden State that I've used before.  And will most likely use a million times again.  Zach Braff is a genius (and a super nice guy in case I forgot to share with my dear readers that I met him!!!! But that story is for another day...).  Anyway...the basic plot of the movie is about a man who goes home for his mother's funeral.  He hasn't been home in years.  It's a tense family relationship to say the least.  And he meets a girl while at his therapist's office that...changes the way he looks at home and life...and he changes her view as well.  But he describes his anxiety and troubles with home so eloquently here:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone....You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. 

I've felt that way for years.  Probably since college.  But even though I felt like I had a place to put my stuff....I also had a family to go back to.

After this visit?  I feel like a complete stranger in my own childhood home.  And I'm watching some of my family become complete strangers to me which is perhaps the most painful thing I've encountered thus far in my life.  


Zach Braff's always clever character says right in the quote that you create a new idea of home for yourself...and I'm certainly doing that.  I laid in bed this morning for nearly 45 minutes with Jeff, his son, and Yoda all curled up...Malcolm talking nonsense to Daddy first thing in the morning...and Daddy and I trying to decipher it.  And it felt exactly like what home should feel like.  That warm feeling...the feeling that if you loved that moment anymore your heart would break.


When Jeff went to work this afternoon...and took Malcolm back to his mom for the week...my heart did break.  I don't know how it happened....but I've completely lost my home.  An engagement is supposed to be a happy time.  And judging by the photos on Tina's blog...it certainly has some incredible moments.  Yet I can't shake the anxiety that's not wedding related.  Or the judgement of those who feel I'm choosing someone or something OVER someone or something else.  


This blog is about doing things that make me happy.  On a daily basis.  Today?  I played a lot of Fruit Ninja on my phone.  And I slept.  Beyond that...in the last 3 months I've made some major life decisions that make me happier than I've ever been.  And if complete strangers, random acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in YEARS can see that on my face, I have to wonder why those closest to me can't.  For me...it's not a matter of this versus that...it's navigating through new relationships and dynamics.  New ideas of home and places that can be visited and have a welcoming feel.


I suppose my nice thing for today was really just blogging.  Attempting to make sense of the chaos that is my brain.  Trying to figure out what I've done that warranted the pain of last week while knowing that no matter what happens...I'll be okay.  I've had a song in my head since leaving PA...one of my favorite artists.  The video is nothing except the album cover art.  The title of the album?  We Were Here...go figure that's what's on my mind.

I'm going to head upstairs to make dinner for the man that I plan on cooking with for the rest of my life.  And I'm going to cry.  And keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward...cause that's all I can do.