Mood: sad
Tomorrow was supposed to be the day Jeff got his next CT scan. The day when we were supposed to hear whether or not he really is in remission. Thanks to insurance we have to wait until next week....at least, I hope it's next week.
Lately, my head has been a mess. I am stuck somewhere between the longing to move forward, and the pain and worry of last year. I cannot help but remember that on April 8th of last year, my husband was in surgery. And I was waiting for him, reading "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" for the fourth time.
The past 12 months have been, without a doubt, the scariest of my life. I spent a good amount of the last year caring for Jeff and the more he returns to a state of normalcy, the more I am forced to take care of myself once again.
There are things about myself that I love. And things I would undoubtedly change. But, the worst feeling is thinking that I actually don't have any idea who I am at all.
I think I've gone my whole life searching for a definition of who I am. I guess I hoped that with marriage I would know who I am. Or that becoming a mother would give me an idea. The thing is, marriage is a relationship not a definitive or tangible thing. And I cannot have kids, and being a stepmother really is not the same as a biological mother. I suppose that I have always searched for meaning in myself as I relate to others, but spending a large chunk of this past year alone, I have had to really take a look at who I am.
One of the things that this year has forced upon me is to live in a state of complete unknowns. To live life in the gray area that I struggle against so much. And I have had to do a lot of it by myself. To be honest, only Jeff has the ability to understand what I have been going through. And even he can't understand it all, the infertility for instance. I so desperately want to have an answer for all of the struggle and pain and suffering, and for now all I have is silence. I'm learning to be okay with that. Because I have to be.
I pray that we have some answers next week. And that for the first time in a year, Jeff and I get so damn good news.
