To My Husband, on the Eve of our Anniversary

Mood: thankful, in love

Dear Jeff -

Tonight, we sit in anticipation of the anniversary of our wedding day. Two years ago, we stood for a chilly run-through of our wedding. As my dad and I made our way to the spot where we were to say "I do," I remember him making me laugh because I was so afraid I would cry. While I was a girl that planned a million weddings, I'm not sure I ever truly saw myself as a bride. And in that moment, in my sweater and Uggs as we practiced the walk that would make me your wife, I felt happier and more beautiful than I can remember. Surrounded by family and friends, Malcolm running all over the place and screaming happily into the microphone, that night in totality was one of the best nights of my entire life.

As we laid in bed, too excited to sleep, I remember wishing that this feeling would never end. The excitment, the happy anxiety.

And today, the night before the 2nd anniversary of our wedding, it has faded. All things do. And it is currently replaced with a terrifying anxiety. Tomorrow we will go to a procedure that will give us answers as to the status of your health. I cannot hold your hand through it, but know I will be with you throughout. Tonight, I want you to know that I never imagined marriage would be like this. I knew it would be work and I knew not everything can be happy and sunshine.

We've had our share of horrendous fights and moments that made me fear for our future. And we've fought a battle for your health together. I never in a million years would have guessed that before we made it to our two year anniversary, we would be facing a cancer battle.

But we did. And if cancer is what we're looking at once more, we'll fight it together. I do not have any magic words that will make you less anxious or that make tongight less scary or painful. But I do have a hand for you to hold and a shoulder for you to cry on and a lap where you can rest your head when you are tired. Know that I love you, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

ySo, Yes, the magic of our wedding has faded. The flowers are long dead, the candles melted to nothingness and the dress hanging usless in a closet. And while we don't get to drink from our beautiful, Swaroski crystal flutes on our second anniversary since you will barely be in any shape to move, there is no place I would rather be than supporting you through this.

I love you. You have been a constant source of support and I hope that you think the same of me. I know our marriage isn't what either of us expected, maybe not even what we wanted. But it's what we have and we work together each day to make it better. We grow stronger and I love you more each day.

So tonight, as we wait with anxiety high and Malcolm plays, know I am thinking of all that has lead up to this moment. And that even during our darkest days, there is no one else I would rather wake up with tomorrow. Even when tomorrow means treaking to the hospital for a 5 hour wait as you undergo a procedure that determines your fate. I love you.

Your wife,

Ashley

The Day of No Complaining

Mood: thankful


Okay guys. Here's the deal. I spend way too much time on Pinterest. Seriously. It's probably not healthy. I currently work writing keyword content articles which requires me to spend a good chunk of my day in front of the computer, clicking between research and writing tabs. And, of course, Pinterest.

So this morning before I started writing I spent some time browsing looking for nail art I'll never be able to recreate, hairstyles I can't pull off and outfits that look good only on skinny, fit women. I'm seriously addicted, you guys. But I also love looking at the quotes and humor sections just for little pick me ups. Today I happened upon a pin that essentially said:

SPEND ONE DAY NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT A THING AND WATCH YOUR LIFE IMPROVE

I liked it and moved on with my day. Opened my writing tabs, started researching articles on Las Vegas. And yet this pin stuck with me. As I was reading about the luxurious hotels and spa amenities I started to think, ugh...why do I have to write an article about how to score deals on these awesome hotels when Jeff and I won't be able to take a vacation for...um....25 years or so. Maybe then we'll have enough money for a vacation.

And then I got kinda salty. I mean, our 2 year anniversary is on Tuesday. Our plan was to do what we did last year, spend a night in Omaha eating the best sushi ever and hanging out at the lounge where we very first discussed getting married. But. Um. This year. We'll be spending our anniversary in a hospital. And the weekend recovering.

I started to get annoyed and I took a break from research for a minute. As I tabbed to Pinterest I thought about the pin I had read and my mood instantly changed.

And I made myself a promise. I am going to spend all day without complaining one, single time. And then, I'm going to do it again tomorrow. And the next day.

I complain a lot. And I think I probably do  it more than I'm aware because I complain all day about really little things. I have a headache, the dogs are annoying, I can't find anything to eat (which really means there's plenty but I don't feel like making anything...) and the list goes on. And over the course of the day that wears on me. And it's got to wear on Jeff who hears it all day.

So today, on Friday the 13th of September 2013 I am going to spend a full day not complaining about a thing. Nothing. Instead I'm going to keep my mouth shut if I have something negative to say and think positive thoughts when I start to feel annoyed or scared or anxious.

Jeff and I are in a very scary place now. Physically as we worry about Jeff's health and financially as Jeff works incredibly hard to keep the family afloat. But focusing on that only paralyzes me. It makes me unable to concentrate on the good that is in my life. It stops me from being able to write and earn money and it stops me from enjoying the happy moments that occur each day.

And even though everything outside of me says right now, things just SUCK for Jeff and I, internally I feel completely calm and at peace. And rather than freak out about that calm, I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to laugh with Jeff and watch horrendously crappy TV all weekend as I write. I'm going to make inappropriate jokes with him and eat supper with him and kiss him and remember that there is so, so much good in our lives. We love each other. We support each other. We have an amazing son who learns new things every single day and loves everything about his life. I'm taking a page from his book and stopping to wonder at things and smile and laugh.

And I'm not complaining. I'm going to just spend at least this one day free from the negativity in my own head. And hopefully, that does improve my outlook. And thus our lives.

 

I (still) Do

Mood:  blessed


Jeff - 

One year ago I walked down the aisle to your smiling face.  I was so sure I would cry.  As I stood listening to our prelude music and my father gave me my "something old" 

(the "it's a girl pin" they received and my hospital bracelet from the day I was born)

I sobbed.  I honestly was unsure whether I would even be able to use a steady voice.  As I heard "Here Comes My Girl" finish I felt so....right and at peace that I glanced at my dad, saw him smile, and couldn't wait to see your face.  I saw you smile, saw Malcolm look at me....and I knew in that instant that my life was forever changed for the better.  

I knew on our second date that you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Your passion, humor, responsibility, and smile are just a few of the things that cemented this realization.  

So here is a brief history of us in photos:

third date...and first picture of us EVER

seconds after getting engaged.

our engagement photography session

mr. and mrs.

annnnnnnnnnnnd.....

me...just a few seconds ago

One year ago today I felt like a princess.  And I married you, my prince.  We sipped champagne from my dream Swarovski crystal flutes and I danced with you in a beautiful dress as you smiled.  Tonight, I'm wearing yoga pants.  I have on a t-shirt, no makeup, and glasses.  Yet, as we sipped champagne and ate a piece of our wedding cake...I feel the exact same way that I did one year ago today.  Like a princess, with you as my prince.

I still have butterflies in my stomach when I think of you.  My face still lights up when somebody says your name or you enter a room.  So, Jeff, I STILL do.  I still promise every single thing that I vowed to keep close to my heart at our wedding...and tonight I promise even more.

We've talked about the common wisdom that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  We haven't had the easiest of times every single day, but I find it hard to believe that marriage only gets easier.  Because regardless of the fight, the words, the hurt feelings...it's always temporary.  And I cannot imagine a life that you are not a part of.  

Jeff, I STILL do.  I still cannot believe how lucky I am to fall asleep next to you every single night and wake up to you every morning.  I thank God each day that you are the one who loves watching stupid tv shows and youtube videos with me.  I am thrilled that it's your hand that holds me when I cry, and your voice that soothes me.  

I know that life won't always be easy.  I know that marriage requires a life of hard and constant work, and sometimes I slack off.  But I also know that there is something magical about us, and that you make me want to be a woman that I only dreamed of being before meeting you.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for inspiring me.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making me feel like a princess, even when I'm wearing yoga pants.  I love you.

Happy Anniversary....(Mom and Dad)

Mood:  ...awkward pause....




So here's what I've learned during the engagement process.  People love a bride.  They love a groom.  They love seeing a couple in love.  People love a wedding and offering advice and congratulations.  


And they will ask when the wedding is, sometimes they will ask where the wedding is, and 95% of the time....how long the bride and groom have been together.  Thusly I have learned the following:  people have no idea whatsoever how to react when they hear the bride and groom will be getting married six months to the day from first setting eyes on each other.


The inevitable response that follows is "well (awkward pause) I guess when you know, you know."  It's true.  And it would be cooler without the awkward pause...but I can't say that I hate the response.  And I can't hold it against people.  In a world of extended adolescence and subsequently stunted maturity...it's not unusual to hear of the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 year relationship that started in or around college and just...never ended. Do those end in marriage?  Some do.  Some don't. 


I'm not saying that's wrong.  But either is getting married in a short period of time.  My parents made it from first date to altar in 5 months.  Is their marriage perfect?  Far from it.  But today, 13 days before Jeff and I commit to a life together my parents are celebrating 28 years of marriage.  I admire that.  And I hope that Jeff and I will celebrate 28 years....well....28 years from now.  


There is certainly more that I've learned from the engagement process.  I've loved every (okay...almost every) second of it.  And I can't wait to be a bride...but mostly...I can't wait to be officially married and be Jeff's wife.  It's completely surreal at this moment that this IS all happening...but I couldn't be happier.