To My Husband, on the Eve of our Anniversary

Mood: thankful, in love

Dear Jeff -

Tonight, we sit in anticipation of the anniversary of our wedding day. Two years ago, we stood for a chilly run-through of our wedding. As my dad and I made our way to the spot where we were to say "I do," I remember him making me laugh because I was so afraid I would cry. While I was a girl that planned a million weddings, I'm not sure I ever truly saw myself as a bride. And in that moment, in my sweater and Uggs as we practiced the walk that would make me your wife, I felt happier and more beautiful than I can remember. Surrounded by family and friends, Malcolm running all over the place and screaming happily into the microphone, that night in totality was one of the best nights of my entire life.

As we laid in bed, too excited to sleep, I remember wishing that this feeling would never end. The excitment, the happy anxiety.

And today, the night before the 2nd anniversary of our wedding, it has faded. All things do. And it is currently replaced with a terrifying anxiety. Tomorrow we will go to a procedure that will give us answers as to the status of your health. I cannot hold your hand through it, but know I will be with you throughout. Tonight, I want you to know that I never imagined marriage would be like this. I knew it would be work and I knew not everything can be happy and sunshine.

We've had our share of horrendous fights and moments that made me fear for our future. And we've fought a battle for your health together. I never in a million years would have guessed that before we made it to our two year anniversary, we would be facing a cancer battle.

But we did. And if cancer is what we're looking at once more, we'll fight it together. I do not have any magic words that will make you less anxious or that make tongight less scary or painful. But I do have a hand for you to hold and a shoulder for you to cry on and a lap where you can rest your head when you are tired. Know that I love you, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

ySo, Yes, the magic of our wedding has faded. The flowers are long dead, the candles melted to nothingness and the dress hanging usless in a closet. And while we don't get to drink from our beautiful, Swaroski crystal flutes on our second anniversary since you will barely be in any shape to move, there is no place I would rather be than supporting you through this.

I love you. You have been a constant source of support and I hope that you think the same of me. I know our marriage isn't what either of us expected, maybe not even what we wanted. But it's what we have and we work together each day to make it better. We grow stronger and I love you more each day.

So tonight, as we wait with anxiety high and Malcolm plays, know I am thinking of all that has lead up to this moment. And that even during our darkest days, there is no one else I would rather wake up with tomorrow. Even when tomorrow means treaking to the hospital for a 5 hour wait as you undergo a procedure that determines your fate. I love you.

Your wife,

Ashley

The Perfection of Imperfection

Mood:  it's Friday, Friday...




As you are aware, I am getting married.  The wedding is now 8 days away.  Right now I'm sitting next to the fiance...talking about how insane this all is...and thinking about all the stuff that needs to be finished in 8 days.  Well....7 really.  Okay....6 to be perfectly honest.  Day 7 is head to the venue and set everything up day.  


Since I am currently without a job, I've been doing wedding work during the day.  As Jeff usually keeps me company while I'm doing work...it gets kinda lonely when it's just me.  So while he and I text I turn on the tv.  And I find Bridezillas to be the most motivating wedding show to watch while I'm doing fun and crafty things for the wedding.  Though, to be fair, My Big Redneck Wedding is a close second.  


Watching the show makes me proud of how very unBridezilla-ish I am.  And have been.  This morning Jeff was telling me that when he went and purchased my wedding gift the people in the store asked if I was freaking out yet.  I'm not.  Which he told them.  


People keep asking me the same thing.  I'm aware that marriage is a HUGE commitment.  I understand completely that this is a life changing event and that I will, from September 17th onward, be a wife and (step)mother and always have a companion to stay true to and love and honor and respect.  I get it.  And I couldn't be more excited.


The thing that makes me so calm and happy and not freaked out...I know this is right.  There is not a single atom of me that says "don't do this."  I have to admit that I've always had an obsession with weddings.  I have been watching Bridezillas since it first premiered (anybody else remember the old beginning with an actual song and human as the bride?).  Mom and Caitlyn and I would cram together and watch it...in Mom's bed...in Caitlyn's bed...in the living room.  And we would all look at each other and murmur about how that was going to be me.  I'm a drama queen.  I like attention.  And I used to be obsessed with having the perfect wedding.


It's just...it's not me as an actual bride-to-be because I'm just not stressed.  Am I a little worried about details?  Of course.  But they'll get done because I genuinely am having so much fun adding these personal touches to our wedding day.  Am I worried about a music malfunction or the wrong color roses?  Maybe a little.  But overall...there is nothing about this day that will be imperfect...in it's own imperfectly perfect way anyway. Yeah...read that sentence again.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that Jeff and I have no pretenses that this is THE be all and end all of days and that it must go PERFECTLY.


The nicest thing we've done...and that I keep reminding myself of every day that I do wedding planning...is to keep this as low-key and simple as possible.  The centerpieces are not the focus.  The bouquets are not the focus.  Hell, even myself and the dress are not the focus.  Instead, we want people to walk away from this wedding knowing how deeply we love each other, having had a fun and relaxing day, and knowing that they just witnessed something awesome...true love.


And nothing can ruin the feelings that we have...and the emotions that will be running high on that day.  


Even the rain that is now being threatened....that's good luck anyway, right?








Ps.....I'll be starting a new blog once married....follow it here:  www.ablilland.blogspot.com

Super Sparkle

Mood:   sparkly, happy, excited


The wedding is now 10 days away. I just got off the phone with the maid of honor/sister and just when I think I can't get more excited about this wedding....I get more excited.  I spent the morning working on more crafty little personal touches for the reception decor.  One of the things that I absolutely hated about planning this wedding was searching for a guest book.  Jeff and I couldn't find one we liked that we wanted to spend $50 or more dollars on.  Even the cheapest ones are near $20 and they just have lines for people to sign names.  Since our wedding is not huge,and is small and intimate, we wanted to keep this very "us" and very personal.  So we decided to make one.  Using a $10 artist sketchbook and $5 in lettered stickers and some stones I had laying around already....I've crafted this:

Though the iphone picutres aren't the best...I'm in love with how sparkly it is.  I've done some candles that have the same feel...and now will be running out for another $4 box of rhinestones. 


I have to say....while it feels totally weird to be unemployed, and it's more than a little scary...I'm loving the time that I have to actually be able to put these personal touches on our wedding.  I was really afraid that I'd have all these awesome ideas and no time to pull them off.  In terms of crafting I tend to start a million epic projects and finish maybe 2.  For the wedding thus far...it's been so much fun doing all of this that none of it has felt like work.  It's been....playing.  For the vast majority Jeff has been sitting next to me or doing other things for the wedding while I'm crafting.  This morning?  Bridezillas was my companion....while Jeff worked and we texted.


What all this rambling leads to is the better thing I did for myself today:  I realized that I am not only capable of finishing things...but that it feels great to see something through to the end.  Granted, I'm not done with wedding preparations at all...but I may actually be a little sad when I am since it's been such an awesome experience.


The best thing about the wedding being in 10 days....even though I'll be finished planning a wedding....I'll be just beginning my life as Mrs. Lilland.


10 days and counting....

Happy Anniversary....(Mom and Dad)

Mood:  ...awkward pause....




So here's what I've learned during the engagement process.  People love a bride.  They love a groom.  They love seeing a couple in love.  People love a wedding and offering advice and congratulations.  


And they will ask when the wedding is, sometimes they will ask where the wedding is, and 95% of the time....how long the bride and groom have been together.  Thusly I have learned the following:  people have no idea whatsoever how to react when they hear the bride and groom will be getting married six months to the day from first setting eyes on each other.


The inevitable response that follows is "well (awkward pause) I guess when you know, you know."  It's true.  And it would be cooler without the awkward pause...but I can't say that I hate the response.  And I can't hold it against people.  In a world of extended adolescence and subsequently stunted maturity...it's not unusual to hear of the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 year relationship that started in or around college and just...never ended. Do those end in marriage?  Some do.  Some don't. 


I'm not saying that's wrong.  But either is getting married in a short period of time.  My parents made it from first date to altar in 5 months.  Is their marriage perfect?  Far from it.  But today, 13 days before Jeff and I commit to a life together my parents are celebrating 28 years of marriage.  I admire that.  And I hope that Jeff and I will celebrate 28 years....well....28 years from now.  


There is certainly more that I've learned from the engagement process.  I've loved every (okay...almost every) second of it.  And I can't wait to be a bride...but mostly...I can't wait to be officially married and be Jeff's wife.  It's completely surreal at this moment that this IS all happening...but I couldn't be happier.  

Better

Mood:  better...




So the fiance has been on me (HA) about not blogging.  As a writer himself, he understands the importance of words and getting them out.  Spoken words are great and all...but for me...it's more about seeing the written words on a computer screen, or journal page...reading them.  Sometimes I'm not completely aware of how I was feeling until I write something that forces me to look at it.  It's not always comfortable to read your own work...but sometimes it's necessary.


Last night, after I blogged, I reread the entire month of August from last year.  I knew this blog was nearly a year old...but I couldn't remember when I actually started it.  And while I knew that it was coming out of the worst depression I've ever experienced that helped spur me to write it...I couldn't remember if there was anything else.  The idea of better.  I think that came from the very physical sense of how much better I was feeling at that time.  Last year in August I started to want to wake up again.  Not just tolerate the idea of getting up each morning...but wanting to.  Getting excited about small and little things every single day gave me a reason to get out of bed.  


I read where I was last year...and thought all night of where I am today.  12 months ago if you had told me I would be 45 days away from my own wedding to the most adorably nerdy man ever, and added that I'd also be a mommy on top of that...I probably would have either laughed or cried at how mean of a joke that was.


The thing is...that IS where I am today.  It's 45 (YIKES) days until the wedding.  The nerd I love couldn't be more perfect for me.  His son?  I can't even describe how happy I feel just watching him simply exist.  It's a crazy...but wonderfully content...feeling that I haven't felt before.


Nice...better...whatever the reason I started this blog...I know it's affected change.  I'd like to think not only with me though.  I can't be positive on that...but I can attest to the fact that changing the way I think about and look at things...well...it's gotten me to today.  Is everything perfect?  Absolutely not.  I still live 2.5 hours from the fiance, we're both still hunting jobs (UGH), we have soooooooooooo much to do for the wedding it's unreal....but I still couldn't ask for anything better than what I've got right this second.  So I'm going to keep doing those small, simple things for myself everyday.  Today, though, I think it involves buying new jeans as I just got a sweet coupon...and I have one pair that I actually LIKE wearing.  


But even if I can't bring myself to buy jeans....or endure the torture that is trying on jeans (am I right ladies?)...I can do something even smaller...like paint my nails.  Or continue reading a book I started last night...or have a conversation with the future husband.  One positive change and decision starts another...it's like the annoying Nutrigrain commercial.  But it's true.  


Nobody can just wish themselves happy one second.  But everybody can make the decision to live a happier, healthier, better life by making decisions that will bring that change about.  Make one today.  

Looking Up

Mood:  it's not a dream anymore, it's worth fighting for...

So it's almost July.  Weird.  Jeff and I survived 3 months.  I feel pretty confident we'll survive a bazillion more months (if that's mathematically and physically possible that is).  As I was driving into work this morning I was staring at the lake (and watching the road) and I realized that it's been nearly a year since I started this blog.  It's absolutely insane how much this blog has changed, how much I have changed, and how much my life has changed.  I haven't read the whole blog from start to where it is now yet...but I have read since about January on.  That much alone is crazy.  

I'm engaged.  I'm going to be a (step)mother.  I have my own place and am looking for one with the future husband.  I've separated from my family enough to start my own.  That part is still being worked on...the balance between separation and complete detachment.  It's a fine line to walk and since this is the first time the family's had to deal with it...it's messy.  And painful.  And it sucks.

One thing, though, that hasn't changed is my addiction with A&E and all it's "real life. drama." because I clearly can't get enough of my own real life drama...

I've been obsessed with Intervention for some time now.  Years.  And while I don't have cable thus don't watch it all the time...I've been known to spend weeks watching it online.  Now it's Hoarders.  I can't get enough of the show.  The really scary thing?  I sooooooooooo get the mentality.  Let me say that the episodes with food or animal hoarding...that is beyond me.  And when there are kids involved I feel physically ill.  But the first few episodes of the first season were primarily about stuff.  Wanting, needing, getting, and keeping stuff.  I get that mentality.  If I surround myself with all this shit...nothing else can get in.  Nothing else matters.  People can't hurt me if they can't get to me.  And I mean...physically get to me.  The thing is...I've never been a super neat person.  I'm organized at work...but the office is in a state of controlled chaos.  I know where things are...but to other people it's a mess.

My apartment was clean for a while.  Right around my birthday.  I did an overhaul.  Donated all kinds of stuff...finally had Caitlyn around to go through stuff she left behind.  But that was also when Jeff and I were first dating.  Since then...the whirlwind romance has had a tornado like effect on the apartment.  I've been there for MAYBE 5 nights total in June.  Maybe 6 including last night.  Between going to PA, being with the fiance and his son, and a brief stay at the grandparents for laundry purposes...I just haven't been there.  So it looks...uh...let's just say it could be on an episode of This Person May  Become a Hoarder if that show existed.  But nobody wants to see that.  Just the shit piled up to the ceiling...and it's not there.  Yet.  Not even to my head.  Or shoulders.  I feel like that's NOT something to brag about.

As I drove past that lake, and then watched another episode of Hoarders and thought about all that's happened this past year...these past few months...I realized that of course I'm watching and obsessed with the idea of hoarding.  My "old" life isn't over...it's just transitioning into this "new" life.  And that WILL mean leaving the apartment behind which sadly for me means a TON of work and getting rid of all kinds of shit that for some reason I hold on to.

But it's not just the apartment.  Or cleaning my car.  It's losing weight all of a sudden (I'm counting calories every meal...thanks iphone apps!).  Moving forward with another person.  Figuring out new ways to be family and friends since the relationship dynamics changed.  I'm clearing out the junk...and making space for the old life to fit into the new one.  While I still think it would be easier to bulldoze the apartment...and some parts of my old life in general...I can't.  I've never done things the easy way.  Ever.  I like making things harder for myself.  This time it's not about making things more complicated just for fun...it's just that starting a new family and changing major parts of my identifying personality...that can't be done easily.  It's a hard process.  Will it all be done before the wedding (81 days!!!!!)?  Who knows.  But I certainly hope so.

There are a lot of things in my life that I don't have control over.  Other people would be one.  But I can control the apartment.  And my health.  I think I'm finally through trying to keep people out of my life.  I'm getting rid of the physical blocks...and the emotional ones have been crumbling.  I hope that I can take this attitude into my "new" family and be the woman I've always wanted to be...and know that I am inside.  

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Mood:  but if you try sometimes...you just might find...you get what you need




So...two days in a row?  I want some kind of award.  Not a cookie...I have a dress to look good in.  But perhaps a monument.  Or a medal.  Hell I'll take a sandwich named after me...which honestly I've always kind of wanted...


Anyway, I wish that I could say that between last night and this afternoon things magically changed and I'm super happy and in blissful engaged mode.  Truthfully?  I'm not sure I even want to deal with a wedding.  Either is Jeff and that isn't fair at all.  Because we WANT that day more than anything.  And not just for us.  We want it for everybody else.  I want Jeff to see me at the end of the aisle, walking towards him.  I want my dad to lift the veil and shake Jeff's hand.  I want my grandfather to get to see his first grandchild get married (and the rest of them too....).  But we can't have all of that if we can't have the assurance that the day is about Jeff and I.  And then everybody else.


Aren't weddings all about celebrating the fact that two people are choosing to live with and for one another for the rest of their lives?  How does it come down to fights over who wears the same dress? 


Let me say this:  I understand that a wedding is a stressful event.  And it's not just stressful for that one day.  This is a HUGE lifetime change.  And frankly, I mean...I really only want to plan one of these things.  I kinda really love Jeff.  So I understand why emotions run high during this time of change.  I also understand that everybody involved has a life...and it doesn't revolve around this wedding.  


But there's a whole lot more that I don't understand.  I got some great advice from a family member last night.  And Jeff this morning.  Both came down to keeping myself happy and not letting others get in my way.  But Jeff said something that I've been thinking about all day.  

You can't fix what you didn't break.

This has stuck with me for a few reasons....one....things are broken right now.  Irrevocably.  And I am a fixer.  Which is a new thing...I have always been a people pleaser...but before I was one who did so begrudgingly.  And kept a record of everything I did that I didn't want to. Things that I did to make others happy.  I realized that living life making other people happy was making me miserable.  So I stopped.  And I've never been happier.  It was a bumpy road.  And it took a long time to navigate who I was without being a doormat.  And once I stopped being a "yes" girl...I was angry.  I lived angry for months.  That didn't really suit me either.  I'm not an angry person.  It eats at me...it makes me uneasy...I get physically ill carrying anger around.  Like I have been today.


So what now?  I am really torn.  Like I said...I am fully aware that ALL of the people involved are under all their day to day stresses and the addition of a wedding sucks.  I know that...cause...well...as the bride I kinda get all the shit thrown at me.  I honestly understand the show Bridezillas now.  Really.  I do.  Which scares me cause I soooooooooooo don't want that drama attached to our wedding day.  I want it to be about us.  And if that makes me a bridezilla then I'll take the moniker.  


As far as nice things?  I guess...living in the brokenness.  Sometimes you have to.  Because not everything can be, or should be, fixed.  

The Clouds in Your Eyes...

Mood:  ...all you have to do is cry




I've had two really rough weeks in a row.  Hence the lack of blogging.  Vacation Bible School ran from June 6-10 and was....church craziness at it's finest.  125 kids, 5 days, myself and 1 other volunteer....I was dead at the end of that week.  So the fiance and I were super stoked to have the next week be a 2 day work week and a visit home to PA.


That week?  I'd rather take an entire year of VBS's in a row than relive last week.


There were definitely some positive things that came out of the trip....check out this AMAZING work by an extremely talented high school friend:




http://www.tinajayphotography.com/blog/2011/06/rose-gardens-allentown-engagement-photographer/


Here's a little taste of what's in there:

Seriously....check it out....I've never seen myself look that happy.  Which is awesome cause it's a genuine reflection of how I feel inside.


Or how I felt inside.  The thing about going home is that...well...here's a quote from Garden State that I've used before.  And will most likely use a million times again.  Zach Braff is a genius (and a super nice guy in case I forgot to share with my dear readers that I met him!!!! But that story is for another day...).  Anyway...the basic plot of the movie is about a man who goes home for his mother's funeral.  He hasn't been home in years.  It's a tense family relationship to say the least.  And he meets a girl while at his therapist's office that...changes the way he looks at home and life...and he changes her view as well.  But he describes his anxiety and troubles with home so eloquently here:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone....You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. 

I've felt that way for years.  Probably since college.  But even though I felt like I had a place to put my stuff....I also had a family to go back to.

After this visit?  I feel like a complete stranger in my own childhood home.  And I'm watching some of my family become complete strangers to me which is perhaps the most painful thing I've encountered thus far in my life.  


Zach Braff's always clever character says right in the quote that you create a new idea of home for yourself...and I'm certainly doing that.  I laid in bed this morning for nearly 45 minutes with Jeff, his son, and Yoda all curled up...Malcolm talking nonsense to Daddy first thing in the morning...and Daddy and I trying to decipher it.  And it felt exactly like what home should feel like.  That warm feeling...the feeling that if you loved that moment anymore your heart would break.


When Jeff went to work this afternoon...and took Malcolm back to his mom for the week...my heart did break.  I don't know how it happened....but I've completely lost my home.  An engagement is supposed to be a happy time.  And judging by the photos on Tina's blog...it certainly has some incredible moments.  Yet I can't shake the anxiety that's not wedding related.  Or the judgement of those who feel I'm choosing someone or something OVER someone or something else.  


This blog is about doing things that make me happy.  On a daily basis.  Today?  I played a lot of Fruit Ninja on my phone.  And I slept.  Beyond that...in the last 3 months I've made some major life decisions that make me happier than I've ever been.  And if complete strangers, random acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in YEARS can see that on my face, I have to wonder why those closest to me can't.  For me...it's not a matter of this versus that...it's navigating through new relationships and dynamics.  New ideas of home and places that can be visited and have a welcoming feel.


I suppose my nice thing for today was really just blogging.  Attempting to make sense of the chaos that is my brain.  Trying to figure out what I've done that warranted the pain of last week while knowing that no matter what happens...I'll be okay.  I've had a song in my head since leaving PA...one of my favorite artists.  The video is nothing except the album cover art.  The title of the album?  We Were Here...go figure that's what's on my mind.

I'm going to head upstairs to make dinner for the man that I plan on cooking with for the rest of my life.  And I'm going to cry.  And keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward...cause that's all I can do.

I'm On the Right Track

Mood:  we're all born superstars


So it's been 2 weeks since I blogged.  Unacceptable.  Especially given the fact that my other writing has ceased also.  I try to journal every single day...even if it's just a few words.  I like to do creative writing....which is often an extension of the journaling....a few times a week.  And the goal was to blog nice things daily.  Then it turned it to a few times a week...and now...uh

And I could give you the "I'm soooooooooo busy" spiel cause it's not a lie.  I've spent 2 nights at my apartment in the last week and a half...but that's still not an excuse for not taking time to write.  As tired as I am....I've been up since 6 and worked with Sr. High kids tonight....I felt that I had to write tonight.  My nice thing for myself is to write for a dear friend....not me.

The thing is...sometimes we get so busy and so wrapped up in everything that is going on around us that we forget to tend to what is going on in us.  And that sucks.  Cause when you finally do.....that's A LOT to deal with.  Even if it's all happy stuff.

I went home last week and as I'm now engaged, wedding planning took up the majority of my time.  Don't get me wrong...I loved every single second of it...but I had this 2 year old meltdown in the wedding aisle at Micheal's.  Why?  Even I'm not entirely sure.  I had my whole family surrounding and supporting me...but everybody has different ideas.  And Jeff was in Iowa...and...I was tired...and hungry...and happy...and a freaking tsunami of emotion hit me and I fell into my mom's shoulder.  I couldn't help it.  I'm a 27 year old soon to be married woman and I stood in the middle of a craft store sobbing into my mother's embrace.

But I felt great after a little cry.  I couldn't contain everything that was inside me.  And I try.  I was born that way.  Sometimes though...even if it's a piece of paper and a pen....or a best friend...something else has to feel the enormity of your emotion.  Humans aren't meant to be alone.  And I LOVE my alone time.  But we can't get out of life alive...well....no matter what we do....but with some enjoyment if we don't let other people carry some of our stuff.

No matter how you were born...you weren't born to handle everything that comes your way by yourself.  Hell even Jesus had 12 dudes (and women...but don't get me started on that) helping him out.  And God?  Pfffff...the Bible is full of his little helper monkeys.  

I started this incoherent rambling because I thought I was writing for a friend...but I realized that my nice thing was to recognize....in what I thought to be her burden....that I have a flaw myself.  And writing to all my random readers about it makes the load a little lighter to carry.  Writing tonight put me back on track...helped center me...and reminded me what's important to me.

So take some time for yourself.  Know what you are, who you are, and where you are.  And if blogging or coloring of a shower or a nap doesn't help...I mean...you can always just numb your senses...I've provided the following video for brain numbing....enjoy!