Mood: it's Friday, Friday...
As you are aware, I am getting married. The wedding is now 8 days away. Right now I'm sitting next to the fiance...talking about how insane this all is...and thinking about all the stuff that needs to be finished in 8 days. Well....7 really. Okay....6 to be perfectly honest. Day 7 is head to the venue and set everything up day.
Since I am currently without a job, I've been doing wedding work during the day. As Jeff usually keeps me company while I'm doing work...it gets kinda lonely when it's just me. So while he and I text I turn on the tv. And I find Bridezillas to be the most motivating wedding show to watch while I'm doing fun and crafty things for the wedding. Though, to be fair, My Big Redneck Wedding is a close second.
Watching the show makes me proud of how very unBridezilla-ish I am. And have been. This morning Jeff was telling me that when he went and purchased my wedding gift the people in the store asked if I was freaking out yet. I'm not. Which he told them.
People keep asking me the same thing. I'm aware that marriage is a HUGE commitment. I understand completely that this is a life changing event and that I will, from September 17th onward, be a wife and (step)mother and always have a companion to stay true to and love and honor and respect. I get it. And I couldn't be more excited.
The thing that makes me so calm and happy and not freaked out...I know this is right. There is not a single atom of me that says "don't do this." I have to admit that I've always had an obsession with weddings. I have been watching Bridezillas since it first premiered (anybody else remember the old beginning with an actual song and human as the bride?). Mom and Caitlyn and I would cram together and watch it...in Mom's bed...in Caitlyn's bed...in the living room. And we would all look at each other and murmur about how that was going to be me. I'm a drama queen. I like attention. And I used to be obsessed with having the perfect wedding.
It's just...it's not me as an actual bride-to-be because I'm just not stressed. Am I a little worried about details? Of course. But they'll get done because I genuinely am having so much fun adding these personal touches to our wedding day. Am I worried about a music malfunction or the wrong color roses? Maybe a little. But overall...there is nothing about this day that will be imperfect...in it's own imperfectly perfect way anyway. Yeah...read that sentence again. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Jeff and I have no pretenses that this is THE be all and end all of days and that it must go PERFECTLY.
The nicest thing we've done...and that I keep reminding myself of every day that I do wedding planning...is to keep this as low-key and simple as possible. The centerpieces are not the focus. The bouquets are not the focus. Hell, even myself and the dress are not the focus. Instead, we want people to walk away from this wedding knowing how deeply we love each other, having had a fun and relaxing day, and knowing that they just witnessed something awesome...true love.
And nothing can ruin the feelings that we have...and the emotions that will be running high on that day.
Even the rain that is now being threatened....that's good luck anyway, right?
Ps.....I'll be starting a new blog once married....follow it here: www.ablilland.blogspot.com
Showing posts with label fiance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fiance. Show all posts
2011/09/09
2011/09/07
Super Sparkle
Mood: sparkly, happy, excited
The wedding is now 10 days away. I just got off the phone with the maid of honor/sister and just when I think I can't get more excited about this wedding....I get more excited. I spent the morning working on more crafty little personal touches for the reception decor. One of the things that I absolutely hated about planning this wedding was searching for a guest book. Jeff and I couldn't find one we liked that we wanted to spend $50 or more dollars on. Even the cheapest ones are near $20 and they just have lines for people to sign names. Since our wedding is not huge,and is small and intimate, we wanted to keep this very "us" and very personal. So we decided to make one. Using a $10 artist sketchbook and $5 in lettered stickers and some stones I had laying around already....I've crafted this:
Though the iphone picutres aren't the best...I'm in love with how sparkly it is. I've done some candles that have the same feel...and now will be running out for another $4 box of rhinestones.
I have to say....while it feels totally weird to be unemployed, and it's more than a little scary...I'm loving the time that I have to actually be able to put these personal touches on our wedding. I was really afraid that I'd have all these awesome ideas and no time to pull them off. In terms of crafting I tend to start a million epic projects and finish maybe 2. For the wedding thus far...it's been so much fun doing all of this that none of it has felt like work. It's been....playing. For the vast majority Jeff has been sitting next to me or doing other things for the wedding while I'm crafting. This morning? Bridezillas was my companion....while Jeff worked and we texted.
What all this rambling leads to is the better thing I did for myself today: I realized that I am not only capable of finishing things...but that it feels great to see something through to the end. Granted, I'm not done with wedding preparations at all...but I may actually be a little sad when I am since it's been such an awesome experience.
The best thing about the wedding being in 10 days....even though I'll be finished planning a wedding....I'll be just beginning my life as Mrs. Lilland.
10 days and counting....
The wedding is now 10 days away. I just got off the phone with the maid of honor/sister and just when I think I can't get more excited about this wedding....I get more excited. I spent the morning working on more crafty little personal touches for the reception decor. One of the things that I absolutely hated about planning this wedding was searching for a guest book. Jeff and I couldn't find one we liked that we wanted to spend $50 or more dollars on. Even the cheapest ones are near $20 and they just have lines for people to sign names. Since our wedding is not huge,and is small and intimate, we wanted to keep this very "us" and very personal. So we decided to make one. Using a $10 artist sketchbook and $5 in lettered stickers and some stones I had laying around already....I've crafted this:
Though the iphone picutres aren't the best...I'm in love with how sparkly it is. I've done some candles that have the same feel...and now will be running out for another $4 box of rhinestones.
I have to say....while it feels totally weird to be unemployed, and it's more than a little scary...I'm loving the time that I have to actually be able to put these personal touches on our wedding. I was really afraid that I'd have all these awesome ideas and no time to pull them off. In terms of crafting I tend to start a million epic projects and finish maybe 2. For the wedding thus far...it's been so much fun doing all of this that none of it has felt like work. It's been....playing. For the vast majority Jeff has been sitting next to me or doing other things for the wedding while I'm crafting. This morning? Bridezillas was my companion....while Jeff worked and we texted.
What all this rambling leads to is the better thing I did for myself today: I realized that I am not only capable of finishing things...but that it feels great to see something through to the end. Granted, I'm not done with wedding preparations at all...but I may actually be a little sad when I am since it's been such an awesome experience.
The best thing about the wedding being in 10 days....even though I'll be finished planning a wedding....I'll be just beginning my life as Mrs. Lilland.
10 days and counting....
2011/08/08
Ashley Getting Married
Mood: anxious, excited, scared, hopeful
....and the list continues. The wedding is 40 days away! Yikes! There is sooooooooooooo much left to be done that it's insane. But while the wedding has me stressed, it's nothing that isn't manageable. It's more the career that has me freaking out. It took me quite some time to pinpoint what was going on with me today...but I managed to do so.
When I feel something just isn't right and I have a ton of things on my mind...I turn to writing. If I know what's going on...I blog. If I'm completely at a loss...I write in my journal. Today was definitely a journal before blogging day. I am the type of person that always has a million and one things running through my head at any given time. That's always really fun when trying to fall asleep. With the wedding added to the head...it's mass chaos in there. Honestly. So as I drove from Ankeny to Storm Lake today, freaking out, I thought. A lot. About why I was freaking out.
So when I got into my office...it was all business. Answering e-mails, scheduling meetings, taking phone calls. And then the journal. As I wrote I listed all of the things that were scaring me. The list includes, but is by no means limited to:
- the cornfields are getting seriously high (and yes...that really does freak me out!)
- the wedding is 40 days away and there are so many unfinished things
- my shoulder has been hurting now for over a week with seemingly no cause
- I'm panicking that I'm getting more and more anxious than I have been in a long time
- there is no longer a sense of satisfaction in my career
The thing that was noticeably absent from the list? Getting married. Yes, the wedding is on it. But that is all about the details of the actual event. I forgot to call the caterer today (AGAIN). I still haven't picked out my flowers, the dress might need more alteration, who is cutting the cake, at what time do we do our first dance? Those kinds of things. Literally the details. And I know that sometimes this blog is about the details, and it's always been about the little things...but today's nice and better thing comes from something really huge.
I sat there writing about how I was so NOT scared about getting married. Then the over analyzer in me kicked in and I started wondering whether or not I was supposed to be scared that I wasn't scared. When I finally got myself to shut up long enough to listen to myself (honestly...the head...it's like...a crazy crowded waiting room with 900 conversations going at one time) I allowed myself to be unscared. To be perfectly content that I am perfectly content in getting married. In being married. In starting a life with somebody else. That is a HUGE thing.
So as I finished writing in the journal, and as I finish this blog...I've come to realize what IS bugging me. It has to do with career and uncertainty. But what isn't freaking me out is far more important to me. And far more important to life, if you ask me. Yes you need money...and I would be unhappy not working, but a life without love...I'll pass. So while I'll have to live for now with a fair amount of unknowns about my future, the one thing I DO know...without a single hesitation or pause...is that I couldn't be happier, or more excited to be marrying Jeff in 40 days (actually 39 days and 3 hours...but who's counting?).
And it was an entire year of noticing the details and the small things, and taking joy in them...taking risks...that has gotten me to this point today.
And writing it all down? I feel better...and that's what this is all about...
....and the list continues. The wedding is 40 days away! Yikes! There is sooooooooooooo much left to be done that it's insane. But while the wedding has me stressed, it's nothing that isn't manageable. It's more the career that has me freaking out. It took me quite some time to pinpoint what was going on with me today...but I managed to do so.
When I feel something just isn't right and I have a ton of things on my mind...I turn to writing. If I know what's going on...I blog. If I'm completely at a loss...I write in my journal. Today was definitely a journal before blogging day. I am the type of person that always has a million and one things running through my head at any given time. That's always really fun when trying to fall asleep. With the wedding added to the head...it's mass chaos in there. Honestly. So as I drove from Ankeny to Storm Lake today, freaking out, I thought. A lot. About why I was freaking out.
So when I got into my office...it was all business. Answering e-mails, scheduling meetings, taking phone calls. And then the journal. As I wrote I listed all of the things that were scaring me. The list includes, but is by no means limited to:
- the cornfields are getting seriously high (and yes...that really does freak me out!)
- the wedding is 40 days away and there are so many unfinished things
- my shoulder has been hurting now for over a week with seemingly no cause
- I'm panicking that I'm getting more and more anxious than I have been in a long time
- there is no longer a sense of satisfaction in my career
The thing that was noticeably absent from the list? Getting married. Yes, the wedding is on it. But that is all about the details of the actual event. I forgot to call the caterer today (AGAIN). I still haven't picked out my flowers, the dress might need more alteration, who is cutting the cake, at what time do we do our first dance? Those kinds of things. Literally the details. And I know that sometimes this blog is about the details, and it's always been about the little things...but today's nice and better thing comes from something really huge.
I sat there writing about how I was so NOT scared about getting married. Then the over analyzer in me kicked in and I started wondering whether or not I was supposed to be scared that I wasn't scared. When I finally got myself to shut up long enough to listen to myself (honestly...the head...it's like...a crazy crowded waiting room with 900 conversations going at one time) I allowed myself to be unscared. To be perfectly content that I am perfectly content in getting married. In being married. In starting a life with somebody else. That is a HUGE thing.
So as I finished writing in the journal, and as I finish this blog...I've come to realize what IS bugging me. It has to do with career and uncertainty. But what isn't freaking me out is far more important to me. And far more important to life, if you ask me. Yes you need money...and I would be unhappy not working, but a life without love...I'll pass. So while I'll have to live for now with a fair amount of unknowns about my future, the one thing I DO know...without a single hesitation or pause...is that I couldn't be happier, or more excited to be marrying Jeff in 40 days (actually 39 days and 3 hours...but who's counting?).
And it was an entire year of noticing the details and the small things, and taking joy in them...taking risks...that has gotten me to this point today.
And writing it all down? I feel better...and that's what this is all about...
2011/08/03
Better
Mood: better...
So the fiance has been on me (HA) about not blogging. As a writer himself, he understands the importance of words and getting them out. Spoken words are great and all...but for me...it's more about seeing the written words on a computer screen, or journal page...reading them. Sometimes I'm not completely aware of how I was feeling until I write something that forces me to look at it. It's not always comfortable to read your own work...but sometimes it's necessary.
Last night, after I blogged, I reread the entire month of August from last year. I knew this blog was nearly a year old...but I couldn't remember when I actually started it. And while I knew that it was coming out of the worst depression I've ever experienced that helped spur me to write it...I couldn't remember if there was anything else. The idea of better. I think that came from the very physical sense of how much better I was feeling at that time. Last year in August I started to want to wake up again. Not just tolerate the idea of getting up each morning...but wanting to. Getting excited about small and little things every single day gave me a reason to get out of bed.
I read where I was last year...and thought all night of where I am today. 12 months ago if you had told me I would be 45 days away from my own wedding to the most adorably nerdy man ever, and added that I'd also be a mommy on top of that...I probably would have either laughed or cried at how mean of a joke that was.
The thing is...that IS where I am today. It's 45 (YIKES) days until the wedding. The nerd I love couldn't be more perfect for me. His son? I can't even describe how happy I feel just watching him simply exist. It's a crazy...but wonderfully content...feeling that I haven't felt before.
Nice...better...whatever the reason I started this blog...I know it's affected change. I'd like to think not only with me though. I can't be positive on that...but I can attest to the fact that changing the way I think about and look at things...well...it's gotten me to today. Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. I still live 2.5 hours from the fiance, we're both still hunting jobs (UGH), we have soooooooooooo much to do for the wedding it's unreal....but I still couldn't ask for anything better than what I've got right this second. So I'm going to keep doing those small, simple things for myself everyday. Today, though, I think it involves buying new jeans as I just got a sweet coupon...and I have one pair that I actually LIKE wearing.
But even if I can't bring myself to buy jeans....or endure the torture that is trying on jeans (am I right ladies?)...I can do something even smaller...like paint my nails. Or continue reading a book I started last night...or have a conversation with the future husband. One positive change and decision starts another...it's like the annoying Nutrigrain commercial. But it's true.
Nobody can just wish themselves happy one second. But everybody can make the decision to live a happier, healthier, better life by making decisions that will bring that change about. Make one today.
So the fiance has been on me (HA) about not blogging. As a writer himself, he understands the importance of words and getting them out. Spoken words are great and all...but for me...it's more about seeing the written words on a computer screen, or journal page...reading them. Sometimes I'm not completely aware of how I was feeling until I write something that forces me to look at it. It's not always comfortable to read your own work...but sometimes it's necessary.
Last night, after I blogged, I reread the entire month of August from last year. I knew this blog was nearly a year old...but I couldn't remember when I actually started it. And while I knew that it was coming out of the worst depression I've ever experienced that helped spur me to write it...I couldn't remember if there was anything else. The idea of better. I think that came from the very physical sense of how much better I was feeling at that time. Last year in August I started to want to wake up again. Not just tolerate the idea of getting up each morning...but wanting to. Getting excited about small and little things every single day gave me a reason to get out of bed.
I read where I was last year...and thought all night of where I am today. 12 months ago if you had told me I would be 45 days away from my own wedding to the most adorably nerdy man ever, and added that I'd also be a mommy on top of that...I probably would have either laughed or cried at how mean of a joke that was.
The thing is...that IS where I am today. It's 45 (YIKES) days until the wedding. The nerd I love couldn't be more perfect for me. His son? I can't even describe how happy I feel just watching him simply exist. It's a crazy...but wonderfully content...feeling that I haven't felt before.
Nice...better...whatever the reason I started this blog...I know it's affected change. I'd like to think not only with me though. I can't be positive on that...but I can attest to the fact that changing the way I think about and look at things...well...it's gotten me to today. Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. I still live 2.5 hours from the fiance, we're both still hunting jobs (UGH), we have soooooooooooo much to do for the wedding it's unreal....but I still couldn't ask for anything better than what I've got right this second. So I'm going to keep doing those small, simple things for myself everyday. Today, though, I think it involves buying new jeans as I just got a sweet coupon...and I have one pair that I actually LIKE wearing.
But even if I can't bring myself to buy jeans....or endure the torture that is trying on jeans (am I right ladies?)...I can do something even smaller...like paint my nails. Or continue reading a book I started last night...or have a conversation with the future husband. One positive change and decision starts another...it's like the annoying Nutrigrain commercial. But it's true.
Nobody can just wish themselves happy one second. But everybody can make the decision to live a happier, healthier, better life by making decisions that will bring that change about. Make one today.
2011/08/02
Shut Up and Drive
Mood: i'ma back!
Luigi says that in Super Mario Bros. when I've killed him enough times to warrant a continue. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd there are plenty of continues on the game Jeff and I are currently working on.
As I started to type this entry (this is the 3rd one for today)...I felt kind of lost. It's weird trying to keep people updated on the nice things you're doing for yourself when you lose track too. And it's all too easy to just stop doing nice things altogether. Given the current economy, it's all a lot of us can do to just keep "getting through the day" while attempting to squeeze every last bit of happiness out of our free time. What little we have anyway. And as my happiness squeezing occurs in the form of the fiance and the epic (step)son...thus 2.5 hours away from where I manage to somehow "get through the day"...I'm on the road a lot. And I feel like I'm not DOING a lot. But seriously....how are these faces not worth the time on the road?
I sooooo had to include Yoda (the dog) in that one. He's worth the trip as well.
Anyway. I've talked to Jeff about the driving. Well...more bitched about the driving. The thing is...there is no way around it right now. We both work and we both need to continue to work. And we live 2.5 hours away. So...there's either drive time or no drive time. And before Jeff looks like the bad guy refusing to come my way every once in a while...that is certainly not the case at all. It just doesn't make any sense to come out this way. When we have the boy...it's way too far of a drive and there's nothing in my apartment that is even remotely little boy friendly. And when we don't have the boy...well...Jeff's on call thus has to be able to have the ability to get to the office orrrrrrrrrr we're just not in town period. Thus...I drive.
And as I got to thinking randomly and typing a few other blogs that came to mind first...I kept thinking about this Oscar Wilde quote I found a little bit ago while doing random research for the wedding:
So here's where the whole nice thing comes into play. During the wedding planning process Jeff and I have done a lot of talking. We talk a ton anyway. And if you know me...or hell read the blog...you know I talk a lot as it is. The thing I love most about conversations with Jeff? We can have 10 going at the same time and 2 can be super serious about commitment and marriage while 2 are about facebook and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's effortless with him. Sure there have been uncomfortable discussions...upsetting subject matter...fights even...but it's an ongoing dialogue. And it comes from this really genuine mutual respect and affection for what the other is saying/has to say/has said.
It seems that things happen even while you're unaware that they are. Jeff and I are creating this truly awesome foundation for marriage...and a lifetime of being each other's partner. So even if I feel like my car is the only thing I'm putting miles on...I do KNOW that Jeff and I are creating something pretty sweet. And he treats me like...not a princess. Not a queen even. Goddess? I don't know that words do it justice without creating a weird cliche and stereotype...but he certainly never acts as though I'm normal. Which I'm not...but that's a different blog altogether...
So the nice things continue to happen...even if it's unconsciously...because once you've decided you're going to change something...this ripple effect takes a serious hold on your life...and nice things are happening to and for you without you even knowing. And that's realllllllllllly nice.
Luigi says that in Super Mario Bros. when I've killed him enough times to warrant a continue. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd there are plenty of continues on the game Jeff and I are currently working on.
As I started to type this entry (this is the 3rd one for today)...I felt kind of lost. It's weird trying to keep people updated on the nice things you're doing for yourself when you lose track too. And it's all too easy to just stop doing nice things altogether. Given the current economy, it's all a lot of us can do to just keep "getting through the day" while attempting to squeeze every last bit of happiness out of our free time. What little we have anyway. And as my happiness squeezing occurs in the form of the fiance and the epic (step)son...thus 2.5 hours away from where I manage to somehow "get through the day"...I'm on the road a lot. And I feel like I'm not DOING a lot. But seriously....how are these faces not worth the time on the road?
I sooooo had to include Yoda (the dog) in that one. He's worth the trip as well.
Anyway. I've talked to Jeff about the driving. Well...more bitched about the driving. The thing is...there is no way around it right now. We both work and we both need to continue to work. And we live 2.5 hours away. So...there's either drive time or no drive time. And before Jeff looks like the bad guy refusing to come my way every once in a while...that is certainly not the case at all. It just doesn't make any sense to come out this way. When we have the boy...it's way too far of a drive and there's nothing in my apartment that is even remotely little boy friendly. And when we don't have the boy...well...Jeff's on call thus has to be able to have the ability to get to the office orrrrrrrrrr we're just not in town period. Thus...I drive.
And as I got to thinking randomly and typing a few other blogs that came to mind first...I kept thinking about this Oscar Wilde quote I found a little bit ago while doing random research for the wedding:
how can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?
So here's where the whole nice thing comes into play. During the wedding planning process Jeff and I have done a lot of talking. We talk a ton anyway. And if you know me...or hell read the blog...you know I talk a lot as it is. The thing I love most about conversations with Jeff? We can have 10 going at the same time and 2 can be super serious about commitment and marriage while 2 are about facebook and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It's effortless with him. Sure there have been uncomfortable discussions...upsetting subject matter...fights even...but it's an ongoing dialogue. And it comes from this really genuine mutual respect and affection for what the other is saying/has to say/has said.
It seems that things happen even while you're unaware that they are. Jeff and I are creating this truly awesome foundation for marriage...and a lifetime of being each other's partner. So even if I feel like my car is the only thing I'm putting miles on...I do KNOW that Jeff and I are creating something pretty sweet. And he treats me like...not a princess. Not a queen even. Goddess? I don't know that words do it justice without creating a weird cliche and stereotype...but he certainly never acts as though I'm normal. Which I'm not...but that's a different blog altogether...
So the nice things continue to happen...even if it's unconsciously...because once you've decided you're going to change something...this ripple effect takes a serious hold on your life...and nice things are happening to and for you without you even knowing. And that's realllllllllllly nice.
2011/07/08
100th Post (or...Lonely Day)
Mood: I could tell from the minute I woke up....
...It was going to be a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely day.
That song was actually in my head this morning when I woke up. Appropriately so, as it was and continues to be an incredibly lonely day. I am currently in my apartment....150 miles away from the fiance....and will not see him until the 17th of July. Which I know could be worse...but I'm about to be put to a severe test....a mission trip. With senior high. And parents who it seems aren't that fond of me. Actually I learned today that it seems a whole lot of people aren't fond of me. But that's for another post.
My nice thing for today? Blogging this 100th post...and that's three days in a row! I definitely deserve a sandwich now (see earlier posts for reference). Writing makes me feel better. About myself. About my situation. There's something about getting things outside of myself that just helps. Especially on days like today where everything just felt...lonely.
I've quoted this Scrubs episode a million times and I'll do it a million more:
The thing that sucked the most about today? Even the talking with Jeff felt lonely. I know I'm not going to see him until at least the 17th, and there's a possibility it may not be till the 21st. So while I didn't feel ALONE today....everything just felt LONELY. And I hate that feeling. I really do. I'm not the most extroverted person in the world, nor do I always feel the need to be surrounded by people. In fact, I really like ME time. I like having nobody around (except for Jeff which is a feeling that is so foreign to me) so I can do a face mask or give myself a mani and space out to Bravo crappy tv shows.
It seems to me that there is a profound difference in being lonely and alone (or having ME time). And it seems that when I'm overwhelmed, stressed, scared, and just generally tired...I get to this lonely place. Which...if I stay in for too long...becomes paralyzing. And I haven't felt like this since I met Jeff. It's a completely new sort of lonely. It sucks still though.
I suppose, for the time being...all I can do is get through this next week. In 7 days...at this time...I'll have finished at day at Six Flags and be preparing to come home from a week of service, fellowship, and hopefully fun.
I hope the lonely feeling goes away. But if it doesn't...I'll just keep reminding myself that I may feel lonely but I am NEVER alone. Also....DEFINITELY check out the song....it's a good one. And who doesn't love a Schwartzman brother? I know I do...(And no Jeff, it's not at all Jonasy......)
...It was going to be a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely day.
That song was actually in my head this morning when I woke up. Appropriately so, as it was and continues to be an incredibly lonely day. I am currently in my apartment....150 miles away from the fiance....and will not see him until the 17th of July. Which I know could be worse...but I'm about to be put to a severe test....a mission trip. With senior high. And parents who it seems aren't that fond of me. Actually I learned today that it seems a whole lot of people aren't fond of me. But that's for another post.
My nice thing for today? Blogging this 100th post...and that's three days in a row! I definitely deserve a sandwich now (see earlier posts for reference). Writing makes me feel better. About myself. About my situation. There's something about getting things outside of myself that just helps. Especially on days like today where everything just felt...lonely.
I've quoted this Scrubs episode a million times and I'll do it a million more:
"because nothing sucks more than feeling completely alone, even when you're surrounded by people"
The thing that sucked the most about today? Even the talking with Jeff felt lonely. I know I'm not going to see him until at least the 17th, and there's a possibility it may not be till the 21st. So while I didn't feel ALONE today....everything just felt LONELY. And I hate that feeling. I really do. I'm not the most extroverted person in the world, nor do I always feel the need to be surrounded by people. In fact, I really like ME time. I like having nobody around (except for Jeff which is a feeling that is so foreign to me) so I can do a face mask or give myself a mani and space out to Bravo crappy tv shows.
It seems to me that there is a profound difference in being lonely and alone (or having ME time). And it seems that when I'm overwhelmed, stressed, scared, and just generally tired...I get to this lonely place. Which...if I stay in for too long...becomes paralyzing. And I haven't felt like this since I met Jeff. It's a completely new sort of lonely. It sucks still though.
I suppose, for the time being...all I can do is get through this next week. In 7 days...at this time...I'll have finished at day at Six Flags and be preparing to come home from a week of service, fellowship, and hopefully fun.
I hope the lonely feeling goes away. But if it doesn't...I'll just keep reminding myself that I may feel lonely but I am NEVER alone. Also....DEFINITELY check out the song....it's a good one. And who doesn't love a Schwartzman brother? I know I do...(And no Jeff, it's not at all Jonasy......)
2011/07/06
Hello July
Mood: ....exhausted....angry.....worthless
Well, it is officially July. I planned on blogging right as the month started, but it started in a crazy whirlwind.
Jeff and I ended June/brought in July seeing Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon:
Quite a good movie, and a very much needed 2.5 hours of absolute nothingness but entertainment. I desperately required a little mind-numbing after last Thursday.
Friday brought me catching up on wedding stuff such as addressing invites, stuffing envelopes, and preparing them for mailing. Jeff helped when he was available on Sunday...we are excellent with teamwork. Friday evening...we had the boy and it was a truly amazing weekend with him. Each time I hear him call me "mommy" even though we say "Ashley," a piece of my heart just breaks with joy. I may not have given up on true love...but I had most certainly given up on having a family of my own...and while I am not Malcolm's biological mother...I cannot even describe how much pride I take in knowing that I am in this boy's life. He is amazing. And hilarious. And frankly, can use my iPhone better than me. He's 2.5 years old....hello gray hair!
Saturday we visited with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins from Texas at my grandparent's house and had an awesome time revisiting old playgrounds for Malcolm to enjoy. It felt surreal to be a grandkid at the house with a kid. It was a feeling I wasn't sure that I'd ever have to deal with. I was so proud, though, to show off my fiance and his son. They are two of the most awesome men on the planet. And that includes alien robots if they exist.
Sunday...I felt awful. Slept in. Grilled...and by grilled I mean...Jeff did the grilling while I tried to keep Malcolm occupied and playing with his Autobots. We ended up with an awesome dinner of hamburgers and corn....plus some AMAZING strawberry shortcake Jeff's mom made (I am sooooooo going to have to have her pass me some recipes). Jeff has never taken Malcolm to fireworks before and since the kid is going on 3 we figured...we'd give it a shot. We were planning to take him to a nearby town for their 10:00PM show (his bedtime is 7) when Jeff read about a display at 8 at the Jordan Creek Mall. We got there right around 7:50 or so. 20 minutes later we left, with a very upset and cranky Malcolm in tow. It was hot, past his bedtime, and the fireworks were nowhere near starting. Plus the thrill of being near water was apparently more interesting than the fireworks (which, to be fair, he didn't even know where taking place and/or why we were there in the first place...). After putting Malcolm to bed, Jeff and I finished the last of the invitations and kinda just did nothing. We were both hot, cranky, and I was still not feeling well. And after finding out a few hours prior that my mom had spent the whole day in the hospital...I wasn't really up for any festivities of any kind.
The 4th...took Malcolm to the Ames parade. He had a blast!
After a few hours in the sun I was about ready to pass out...and from what I recall I pretty much spent the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. Except for getting a sunburn...that is still a bit painful when it comes to having a t-shirt on.
The overall craziness of the holiday weekend and the stress that has been nonstop and is only getting worse has once again put my body in a state of...shutdown. My body does that. When I push past what it feels like doing...it kinda lets me knows it's pissed and just stops. Awesome.
What I find really annoying is that I've been pushing myself to absolutely exhaustion for apparently no reason. I'm not far enough removed from the situation nor calm enough to write rationally about what has me so irate...but it's typical that when one part of your life goes really really well...another falls apart. Only this situation has been unraveling for a long time. And family...NO this is NOT about you. At all.
I will be working from tomorrow until at LEAST the 17th....and the 10th-16th of that is essentially 16 hour days with being "on call" at night. Senior High mission trip is going to be an experience I am sure I will never forget...but it's one that I'm currently dreading.
I guess my nice thing for today was to get out of bed....even though I wanted to sleep all day....face the e-mails and nastiness of the current situation head on...and write. After all....I can't start the month with nothing. And it was TRULY a wonderful celebration with an amazing new family.
I'll keep you all posted on the mission trip...the aftermath...and what's next for me. And of course...the wedding planning process. I swear I have about 2 books worth of material to turn into a "how to plan a wedding while you continue to lose your mind" kinda thing. After all....we're only 73 days away....
Well, it is officially July. I planned on blogging right as the month started, but it started in a crazy whirlwind.
Jeff and I ended June/brought in July seeing Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon:
Quite a good movie, and a very much needed 2.5 hours of absolute nothingness but entertainment. I desperately required a little mind-numbing after last Thursday.
Friday brought me catching up on wedding stuff such as addressing invites, stuffing envelopes, and preparing them for mailing. Jeff helped when he was available on Sunday...we are excellent with teamwork. Friday evening...we had the boy and it was a truly amazing weekend with him. Each time I hear him call me "mommy" even though we say "Ashley," a piece of my heart just breaks with joy. I may not have given up on true love...but I had most certainly given up on having a family of my own...and while I am not Malcolm's biological mother...I cannot even describe how much pride I take in knowing that I am in this boy's life. He is amazing. And hilarious. And frankly, can use my iPhone better than me. He's 2.5 years old....hello gray hair!
Saturday we visited with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins from Texas at my grandparent's house and had an awesome time revisiting old playgrounds for Malcolm to enjoy. It felt surreal to be a grandkid at the house with a kid. It was a feeling I wasn't sure that I'd ever have to deal with. I was so proud, though, to show off my fiance and his son. They are two of the most awesome men on the planet. And that includes alien robots if they exist.
Sunday...I felt awful. Slept in. Grilled...and by grilled I mean...Jeff did the grilling while I tried to keep Malcolm occupied and playing with his Autobots. We ended up with an awesome dinner of hamburgers and corn....plus some AMAZING strawberry shortcake Jeff's mom made (I am sooooooo going to have to have her pass me some recipes). Jeff has never taken Malcolm to fireworks before and since the kid is going on 3 we figured...we'd give it a shot. We were planning to take him to a nearby town for their 10:00PM show (his bedtime is 7) when Jeff read about a display at 8 at the Jordan Creek Mall. We got there right around 7:50 or so. 20 minutes later we left, with a very upset and cranky Malcolm in tow. It was hot, past his bedtime, and the fireworks were nowhere near starting. Plus the thrill of being near water was apparently more interesting than the fireworks (which, to be fair, he didn't even know where taking place and/or why we were there in the first place...). After putting Malcolm to bed, Jeff and I finished the last of the invitations and kinda just did nothing. We were both hot, cranky, and I was still not feeling well. And after finding out a few hours prior that my mom had spent the whole day in the hospital...I wasn't really up for any festivities of any kind.
The 4th...took Malcolm to the Ames parade. He had a blast!
After a few hours in the sun I was about ready to pass out...and from what I recall I pretty much spent the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. Except for getting a sunburn...that is still a bit painful when it comes to having a t-shirt on.
The overall craziness of the holiday weekend and the stress that has been nonstop and is only getting worse has once again put my body in a state of...shutdown. My body does that. When I push past what it feels like doing...it kinda lets me knows it's pissed and just stops. Awesome.
What I find really annoying is that I've been pushing myself to absolutely exhaustion for apparently no reason. I'm not far enough removed from the situation nor calm enough to write rationally about what has me so irate...but it's typical that when one part of your life goes really really well...another falls apart. Only this situation has been unraveling for a long time. And family...NO this is NOT about you. At all.
I will be working from tomorrow until at LEAST the 17th....and the 10th-16th of that is essentially 16 hour days with being "on call" at night. Senior High mission trip is going to be an experience I am sure I will never forget...but it's one that I'm currently dreading.
I guess my nice thing for today was to get out of bed....even though I wanted to sleep all day....face the e-mails and nastiness of the current situation head on...and write. After all....I can't start the month with nothing. And it was TRULY a wonderful celebration with an amazing new family.
I'll keep you all posted on the mission trip...the aftermath...and what's next for me. And of course...the wedding planning process. I swear I have about 2 books worth of material to turn into a "how to plan a wedding while you continue to lose your mind" kinda thing. After all....we're only 73 days away....
2011/05/31
Crazier...
Mood: ...you lift my feet off the ground, and spin me around....
Honestly, where is the time going? I can't believe that it's been 2 weeks since I last blogged. Every time I type that "it's been" sentence, I feel like I'm entering confession. Fun story, could have this weekend at the Religious Arts Museum that Jeff and I stopped at in Logan on our way home from Omaha...but there was no priest to absolve my sins. Anyway.
Jeff and I just spent the longest amount of time together that we EVER have as a couple. Second fun story of the blog, we're getting married in just over 3 months....and we JUST spent a full 4 days together. Counting Thursday night and tonight....it's 6 days...but those are just hanging out and playing Wii nights. This marriage is insane, right? I'm of the belief that it is. The fiance completely agrees. The really awesome thing about this being crazy though, is how okay we both are with it.
I just wasted a good hour or so on Facebook checking in on people who came up in my newsfeed that I haven't thought of or heard from in a long time. Some in....since high school really. One thing I'm really, REALLY good at...torturing myself. I used to sit and stare at wedding pictures, baby pictures, hell graduation pics (since I left grad school sans the actual masters.....) and stare for hours wondering what I had done to screw my life up so badly. I mean...on my BEST days I could make myself feel like the most worthless person for not being married, or having children, or being able to put on a stole and bless communion elements.
The really awesome thing about meeting Jeff? The "mistakes" and the "should have" moments have pretty much disappeared. Of course I see a baby and swoon a little...but that IS in the picture (at some point in the future that is) for me now. It's so damn easy to be a critic of oneself...when what one really needs is a cheerleader. And can I just say...I have found the best damn cheerleader in the world. He would look...kinda ridiculous in the traditional uniform...but his metaphorical pom poms kick ass.
I said that both Jeff and I are okay with the amount of insanity that is going from meeting to marrying in 6 months. That's been a truth the whole time. What I learned this weekend, though, is that Jeff is apparently also okay with the amount of insanity that is ME. And I am. Crazy. I'm impatient and silly. I suck at making decisions, and I sing ALMOST constantly....which I managed to hide for some time now...but he's okay with it. And...beyond okay...he can play Wii without wanting to strangle me, and laugh at my screeching in the car as "singing" to Journey.
This weekend I learned that I am more madly in love with this man than I was even aware of. For the rest of my life, when I set out to beat myself up, I will have somebody there to block me...and remind me of just how awesome I am. I feel so incredibly fortunate to not only have found a man that I love more than I thought I would ever be able to...but one that I like a hell of a lot too.
I guess the nice thing for today...is just the blog. It stands on it's own. It's a huge deal...for me at least...to have allowed somebody into my life. Fully. Without question. Or hesitation. And I KNOW we'll have our moments. But I also KNOW that we'll get through them. Because at the end of the day...we love each other. We like each other...and sometimes...a little crazy isn't such a bad thing. It can be...in fact...the most beautiful thing in the world.
Honestly, where is the time going? I can't believe that it's been 2 weeks since I last blogged. Every time I type that "it's been" sentence, I feel like I'm entering confession. Fun story, could have this weekend at the Religious Arts Museum that Jeff and I stopped at in Logan on our way home from Omaha...but there was no priest to absolve my sins. Anyway.
Jeff and I just spent the longest amount of time together that we EVER have as a couple. Second fun story of the blog, we're getting married in just over 3 months....and we JUST spent a full 4 days together. Counting Thursday night and tonight....it's 6 days...but those are just hanging out and playing Wii nights. This marriage is insane, right? I'm of the belief that it is. The fiance completely agrees. The really awesome thing about this being crazy though, is how okay we both are with it.
I just wasted a good hour or so on Facebook checking in on people who came up in my newsfeed that I haven't thought of or heard from in a long time. Some in....since high school really. One thing I'm really, REALLY good at...torturing myself. I used to sit and stare at wedding pictures, baby pictures, hell graduation pics (since I left grad school sans the actual masters.....) and stare for hours wondering what I had done to screw my life up so badly. I mean...on my BEST days I could make myself feel like the most worthless person for not being married, or having children, or being able to put on a stole and bless communion elements.
The really awesome thing about meeting Jeff? The "mistakes" and the "should have" moments have pretty much disappeared. Of course I see a baby and swoon a little...but that IS in the picture (at some point in the future that is) for me now. It's so damn easy to be a critic of oneself...when what one really needs is a cheerleader. And can I just say...I have found the best damn cheerleader in the world. He would look...kinda ridiculous in the traditional uniform...but his metaphorical pom poms kick ass.
I said that both Jeff and I are okay with the amount of insanity that is going from meeting to marrying in 6 months. That's been a truth the whole time. What I learned this weekend, though, is that Jeff is apparently also okay with the amount of insanity that is ME. And I am. Crazy. I'm impatient and silly. I suck at making decisions, and I sing ALMOST constantly....which I managed to hide for some time now...but he's okay with it. And...beyond okay...he can play Wii without wanting to strangle me, and laugh at my screeching in the car as "singing" to Journey.
This weekend I learned that I am more madly in love with this man than I was even aware of. For the rest of my life, when I set out to beat myself up, I will have somebody there to block me...and remind me of just how awesome I am. I feel so incredibly fortunate to not only have found a man that I love more than I thought I would ever be able to...but one that I like a hell of a lot too.
I guess the nice thing for today...is just the blog. It stands on it's own. It's a huge deal...for me at least...to have allowed somebody into my life. Fully. Without question. Or hesitation. And I KNOW we'll have our moments. But I also KNOW that we'll get through them. Because at the end of the day...we love each other. We like each other...and sometimes...a little crazy isn't such a bad thing. It can be...in fact...the most beautiful thing in the world.
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