I (still) Do

Mood:  blessed


Jeff - 

One year ago I walked down the aisle to your smiling face.  I was so sure I would cry.  As I stood listening to our prelude music and my father gave me my "something old" 

(the "it's a girl pin" they received and my hospital bracelet from the day I was born)

I sobbed.  I honestly was unsure whether I would even be able to use a steady voice.  As I heard "Here Comes My Girl" finish I felt so....right and at peace that I glanced at my dad, saw him smile, and couldn't wait to see your face.  I saw you smile, saw Malcolm look at me....and I knew in that instant that my life was forever changed for the better.  

I knew on our second date that you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Your passion, humor, responsibility, and smile are just a few of the things that cemented this realization.  

So here is a brief history of us in photos:

third date...and first picture of us EVER

seconds after getting engaged.

our engagement photography session

mr. and mrs.

annnnnnnnnnnnd.....

me...just a few seconds ago

One year ago today I felt like a princess.  And I married you, my prince.  We sipped champagne from my dream Swarovski crystal flutes and I danced with you in a beautiful dress as you smiled.  Tonight, I'm wearing yoga pants.  I have on a t-shirt, no makeup, and glasses.  Yet, as we sipped champagne and ate a piece of our wedding cake...I feel the exact same way that I did one year ago today.  Like a princess, with you as my prince.

I still have butterflies in my stomach when I think of you.  My face still lights up when somebody says your name or you enter a room.  So, Jeff, I STILL do.  I still promise every single thing that I vowed to keep close to my heart at our wedding...and tonight I promise even more.

We've talked about the common wisdom that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  We haven't had the easiest of times every single day, but I find it hard to believe that marriage only gets easier.  Because regardless of the fight, the words, the hurt feelings...it's always temporary.  And I cannot imagine a life that you are not a part of.  

Jeff, I STILL do.  I still cannot believe how lucky I am to fall asleep next to you every single night and wake up to you every morning.  I thank God each day that you are the one who loves watching stupid tv shows and youtube videos with me.  I am thrilled that it's your hand that holds me when I cry, and your voice that soothes me.  

I know that life won't always be easy.  I know that marriage requires a life of hard and constant work, and sometimes I slack off.  But I also know that there is something magical about us, and that you make me want to be a woman that I only dreamed of being before meeting you.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for inspiring me.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making me feel like a princess, even when I'm wearing yoga pants.  I love you.

Holy Theology, Batman!

Mood:  energized




Today has been pretty amazing.  Jeff and I don't have Malcolm this weekend (boooooooooooo), but we did have a pretty awesome day date.  This week I read about the Ames Public Library book sale, and since Jeff and I are both nerds we figured it'd be worth checking out.  So when I woke up this morning our plan was to go look at some books, and hit up The Dark Knight Rises as Jeff loves Batman.  

I also plotted to get Jeff into Hobby Lobby for some crafting supplies, but that was way easy.  Next time I'll go for something a little harder....perhaps a suuuuuuuuuuuuuper girly movie or  the ballet (though he has already agreed to that as well.....). 


Anyway. The book sale was okay.  It was fun because I love hanging out with Jeff, but it wasn't impressive.  It was only fiction and I did pick up some pretty sweet books...a book for Malcolm titled No Zombies Allowed and an autographed (I think this one was on the sale table by accident!) copy of Buddha of Suburbia by Hanif Kureishi.  All in all it was definitely something I'm glad we did.  Since we had time before the movie, we stopped in at Hobby Lobby and I cannot wait to post pics of the finished crafts.  Then it was off to the movies.


If you read this blog and you know me you'll know my knowledge of Batman is...limited to say the least.  I honestly know nothing more than the following:  Adam West, Robin, the batmobile, Bruce Wayne, and he's an orphan.  Oh...and he was once played by George Clooney opposite Alicia Silverstone and those particular portrayals upset fans.  I have seen (though not the entire movie straight through) The Dark Knight.  Can I just say that I love Aaron Eckhart and whoa Heath Ledger....serious talent.  Anyway.  So I did see it.  And it was phenomenal.  I was pretty psyched to see the last of the trilogy (even though I've only seen the 2nd installment....) and it did not disappoint.  I'm not a movie critic, but go see it.  Drop what you're doing...well finish this post first...and go see this movie!  

Earlier this morning Jeff and I had a conversation about theology, apocalyptic literature, and pop culture.  In seminary I once wrote a paper about the book of Revelation and the South Park Movie:  Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.  I wish I had the paper and could recall all the details, but I'll settle for what I remember.  We were asked to write a paper explaining the book...and what it meant for it's time in context...to a layperson with no theological training.  Read "do not use fancy seminarian jargon."  I remember that I used the South Park movie and that I got an A...but I don't recall much else.  As I sat and watched Christian Bale (drooooool) brood around as Batman, I was struck by how much theology one can find in this movie.  In all superhero movies actually.  Sometimes with all the pomp and circumstance regarding religions it's easy to forget how easily it all boils down.  And when reduced to the basics all major religions can be summed up as follows:


Do the next right thing.  Put one foot in front of the other.  Stand for good, especially if it means standing alone.  Have faith that ANYTHING is possible, and be selfless.  


That's one of the things I admire about superheros...Batman included.  They conceal identities and not just because spandex is awesome.  As Bruce Wayne puts it "anybody can be a hero..."


In a world where up feels like down and it can be hard to gain perspective...it's important to remember that there ARE good people.  We may not have a caped billionaire patrolling 5th Ave. but that doesn't mean we can't fight the good fight.

On a day when all I wanted out of life was a smile on my face and a new book for cheap, I got so much more.  I was reminded that humanity isn't a lost cause.  Sure, there are plenty of things that just make no sense to me and I feel like we live in a time where nothing is sacred, but I have faith that things will get better.  If for no other reason than this, as individuals we DO make a difference.  And it can be monumental. 

Heat Wave

Mood:  accomplished


I'm hot.  Sooooooooooooooooo hot.  Then again, I'm certain the vast majority of the country feels me on that one.  If you know me then you know that heat + Ashley just don't mix.  At all.  Ever.  At least for ANY extended periods of time.  By which I mean, oh say, 10 minutes.  I managed to sit for over 1 hour in the heat on the 4th for the parade since it was just so fun watching Malcolm...but kids do make us do crazy things that we once deemed impossible.  


Anyway.  I left the house today once.  For right under an hour.  And about 5 minutes of that time was spent outside.  If that.  From house to car, car to store, store to car, car to house.  That was it.  


Even though I only left the house for a minimal amount of time, I feel pretty good.  The day has certainly had it's ups and downs.  There was a panic attack in the car (yikes!) but there was also the Malcolm and Jeff surprise I got this morning: 

I took a nap.  And made a pretty sweet dinner (thanks Daddy for your marinade recipe!).  But the thing of which I am most proud is my 101 in 1001 list.  It's not quite finished (18 to go!) but it's a good start.  I'm really excited about this list of goals.  I feel energized and refreshed.  Some of the list is scary to think about doing...my #15 is particularly terrifying...and some of it is just plain fun.  I'll post it here when it's finished.  That gives me a certain level of accountability...which I do need. 

I can't wait to get a start on this list (though by blogging again, I already have!) especially since I can do some of it now...and still avoid the heat!

Ashley Getting Married

Mood:  anxious, excited, scared, hopeful




....and the list continues.  The wedding is 40 days away!  Yikes!  There is sooooooooooooo much left to be done that it's insane.  But while the wedding has me stressed, it's nothing that isn't manageable.  It's more the career that has me freaking out.  It took me quite some time to pinpoint what was going on with me today...but I managed to do so.


When I feel something just isn't right and I have a ton of things on my mind...I turn to writing.  If I know what's going on...I blog.  If I'm completely at a loss...I write in my journal.  Today was definitely a journal before blogging day.  I am the type of person that always has a million and one things running through my head at any given time.  That's always really fun when trying to fall asleep.  With the wedding added to the head...it's mass chaos in there.  Honestly. So as I drove from Ankeny to Storm Lake today, freaking out, I thought.  A lot.  About why I was freaking out. 


So when I got into my office...it was all business.  Answering e-mails, scheduling meetings, taking phone calls.  And then the journal.  As I wrote I listed all of the things that were scaring me.  The list includes, but is by no means limited to:


- the cornfields are getting seriously high (and yes...that really does freak me out!)
- the wedding is 40 days away and there are so many unfinished things
- my shoulder has been hurting now for over a week with seemingly no cause
- I'm panicking that I'm getting more and more anxious than I have been in a long time
- there is no longer a sense of satisfaction in my career


The thing that was noticeably absent from the list?  Getting married.  Yes, the wedding is on it.  But that is all about the details of the actual event.   I forgot to call the caterer today (AGAIN).  I still haven't picked out my flowers, the dress might need more alteration, who is cutting the cake, at what time do we do our first dance?  Those kinds of things.  Literally the details.  And I know that sometimes this blog is about the details, and it's always been about the little things...but today's nice and better thing comes from something really huge.


I sat there writing about how I was so NOT scared about getting married.  Then the over analyzer in me kicked in and I started wondering whether or not I was supposed to be scared that I wasn't scared.  When I finally got myself to shut up long enough to listen to myself (honestly...the head...it's like...a crazy crowded waiting room with 900 conversations going at one time) I allowed myself to be unscared.  To be perfectly content that I am perfectly content in getting married.  In being married.  In starting a life with somebody else.  That is a HUGE thing.  


So as I finished writing in the journal, and as I finish this blog...I've come to realize what IS bugging me.  It has to do with career and uncertainty.  But what isn't freaking me out is far more important to me.  And far more important to life, if you ask me.  Yes you need money...and I would be unhappy not working, but a life without love...I'll pass.  So while I'll have to live for now with a fair amount of unknowns about my future, the one thing I DO know...without a single hesitation or pause...is that I couldn't be happier, or more excited to be marrying Jeff in 40 days (actually 39 days and 3 hours...but who's counting?).  


And it was an entire year of noticing the details and the small things, and taking joy in them...taking risks...that has gotten me to this point today.  


And writing it all down?  I feel better...and that's what this is all about...

Way Too Long...

Mood:  Happy, in love, blessed

It has been nearly a week since I blogged.  Please forgive this as the moving process has upset the whole having a connection to the internet thing.  As I am in a hotel with WiFi now I'm blogging.  I'm using Caitlyn's computer, however, thus no pictures shall make this blog (and that is a tragedy).

This is just a brief update to promise all that I have not given up on doing one good thing a day for myself.  Some days while moving it was simply taking a nap...others it was just looking at my mother and realizing how blessed I am to have her near me again.

Today my good thing was saving caloric intake for alcohol....it's been too long...and SUSHI!!!  A night in Omaha to just let loose was all I needed.  I feel so blessed and so surrounded by love...no matter how far the distance.  

Hopefully internet will be up in the apartment this week and I'll be able to blog again regularly and with pictures.  Until then...do one thing everyday that makes you happy.  Peace and love to all.

Mini Futon

Mood:  Accomplished.  Exhausted. 

I've been up since 5am.  Please forgive the rambling should it occur. Yesterday was amazing.  Well, it turned out to be amazing.  And today...about the same.

Again, I got up at 5.  Screwed around until right before 7 and then got up, walked Maddie, and started packing.  Loading cars, then a nice shower...and since I had to go to work today I decided to do my own version of "suiting up."  I actually put on eyeshadow and "real" make-up and nicer clothes.  The first nice thing I did for myself today.

Just because I work with old people doesn't mean that I can't look pretty.  So I did my make-up...cause again...just because I was going to spend the rest of the day packing and loading and unloading doesn't mean I can't look pretty.

And we DID end up getting the keys to the apartment today.  After much hounding on my part, we learned we could have started this morning and so immediately after I changed out of my work clothes we headed over.  We took 2 full car loads, Maddie, and our enthusiasm and drove 20 miles outside of town to the new apartment.  Once there we unloaded faster than I've ever seen done before and even started to assemble some things (precisely only those things that required a screwdriver as those were the only tools we had on hand).  

One thing Caitlyn and I were adamant about having in the apartment was a futon.  There's only one bedroom and I feel confident we'll need extra sleeping space.  After literally a month of searching and researching and price checking there was ONE that we (and Dad who was paying) could agree upon.  We picked it up from the store yesterday and unpacked it today.  Caitlyn had discovered it in "dorm" furniture because it says it's perfect for small spaces...which is exactly what we're working with.  The box was gigantic when we picked it up, which scared us a bit, however...when the box was unloaded we had a Maddie sized futon already assembled (hence large box).  Okay, Cait did screw in the feet that put it about 6" off the ground.  

Even Caitlyn can't lay on it without her feet hanging off...and she's a good inch or two shorter than me.  Maddie seems to think it belongs only to her as it is her size...but at the end of the day...Caitlyn and I sat on it together and decided it WAS the perfect futon.  Pink.  Ours.  Maddie can jump onto without a problem.  And I finally have a place to display the hand beaded pillow covers I bought in India almost 3 years ago.

I know it's beginning to get cliche....but this blog really is about the small(er) things...

 More pictures of Maddie in the apartment to come...as soon as more tools arrive....

Better...

It's come to my attention recently that my current situation sucks.  And not just mine...but this is a corporate suckage.  The world economy is beyond terrible.    Job markets everywhere are...well...becoming extinct.  Those of us fortunate to have a job are most likely underemployed.  Or dealing with low pay, no health insurance, horrible hours and work morale is just...awful.  People choose daily whether to pay rent and keep a roof over his/her head or go see a doctor.  Life isn't easy.  We're all struggling to "make it better" and to ensure that our children won't be faced with a life this hard.

It's human nature to want "better" for those we love, especially those that we expect to love that will come after us.  But where do we draw the line?  At what cost do we keep getting "better" and making things "better?"  And when did "better" automatically equal "more expensive?"  I just pray that my children get some kind of education...and they'll be able to work.

Anyway...so I started thinking.  Then I got mad.  I've never considered myself a patriot.  Sure, I live in America and I love the privileges I've enjoyed.  But I'm not exactly a poster child for the American Dream.  In fact, I think America no longer has a dream.

And that's where the inspiration for this blog came.  I am mad.  I am disheartened.  Disgusted and depressed.  The list of adjectives runs on.  So how to be happy?  

Change the way I think of a better life.  In this economy, success may not be defined as owning a home and a new car for me.  Maybe, it's working a job that gives me peace (even at severe financial cost to myself) and living on my own in a small apartment.  Maybe, it's lighting a good smelling candle while working on my dream life.  Maybe, "better" is just doing some small thing every single day that makes me happier.

My hypothesis is that by making myself happier, I'll have a positive impact on those around me.  So, everyday, no matter how angry or sad or depressed I am, I will do at least ONE thing to make myself happy or "better."   And each day I will blog on what I did that day.  If I'm seeing any impact.  Hopefully there will eventually be comments that will prove this hypothesis to be fact. 

So my thing for today was beginning this blog.  During my trip to India I remember crying in a group discussion.  We were talking about what we had learned and I remember this amazing woman ask me why I was crying.  In front of all my classmates, new Indian friends, and reputable scholars I sobbed that I had no idea how to affect change when I returned home.  I could change my thoughts, my actions...but I couldn't do anything about the "bigger picture."  And the woman looked at me kindly and said "it gives hope that you even want to [change the world] and you should take pride in that.  Change at any level begins with one, and you might not see it return to you., but the changes you make in yourself will change the world."  Those words have never left me, and hopefully they never will.  So I blog for a better today.  And pray for a better tomorrow.