Storms

Mood:  numb

It's been dark on and off all day and I have been patiently waiting for a thunderstorm.

The timing of the ominous thunder and lighting and dark sky is truly impressive.  Really, very poetic. Sixteen minutes ago my husband called me from work. He never calls, we just text all day.

His cancer is back. The mass in his lung is cancerous.

And the heavens have opened up in response.

As I watch the trees whip back and forth and the rain pound the street outside, all I can think is that the current climate inside is what I should feel like on the inside.

But I don't. Where there should be tears, my face is dry. The sobs are not coming, but instead are stuck in my throat. I feel nothing. I want to feel pain or anger or hope, anything. But all I can manage is staring out the window in complete and utter shock. I am sure the tears will come, just as the rain is now. I know I will be angry as I watch my husband fight for his life. But right now, I feel nothing. My hands shake and my heart feels as heavy as the tree braving the storm outside, but I am numb. I am without words. I am without feeling.

I am not, however, without love. I am not without hope.

As Malcolm bounces on the couch next to me the knowledge that we must tell him how sick Daddy is soon weighs heavily upon me. But no, I am not without hope. He will have to watch as his Daddy fights and is sick and ceases to be the Daddy he is used to. But Jeff will recover. And Malcolm will bounce back. They're both resilient.

And I? I will stand with them. I will hold Jeff's hand and stroke his head and drive him to and from the hospital. I will play with Malcolm and get him to and from school and make cupcakes for Jeff's birthday on Saturday.

I will hope. And I will love. And I know that we will all be alright. The storm will pass, just as the one outside will as well. And when it has passed, there will be a rainbow and sunshine and a brighter tomorrow.


(I wrote this last night....update.....today we will go to the oncologist and discuss his treatment. We are all as okay as possible, and Malcolm is still blissfully unaware that there is anything wrong with his Daddy. The storm last night ended up being a small tornado in Ankeny....there are trees uprooted and split directly in two. The cupcakes I made are bright and colorful and cheerful and today we will all enjoy one together and celebrate Jeff's birthday. And next year, when I make Jeff birthday cupcakes again, we will celebrate the bravery, strength and courgae of Jeff and this small family in the face of cancer.)

Lessons in Humility

Alternate title:  Proof That my (Almost) 4 Year Old Stepson is Smarter Than me.....

Mood:  humble, happy, hopeful

I have to admit, I never wanted children.  Publicly anyway.  As I've gotten older I've realized that not wanting children was indeed a defense mechanism.  If I say I don't want any then how can I possibly be disappointed when I don't have any?  I do have one, though.  Malcolm may not be my son by blood or biology, but in my heart I know we were meant to be in each other's lives.  

Reason #1 I know this to be true?  He forces me to learn something new every single day.  And if we're being completely honest I learn something new about 20 times a day when I'm with him.  My current favorite example happened last night.  Last month my mom shipped her old Clarisonic face brush to me as I was having a horrid time with my face breaking out, but could not afford to purchase one myself.  Last month is the most important part of that sentence.  I have been using this for a full month.  30 days.  I've been cleansing morning and night religiously with this thing.  I just yesterday learned that there is more than 1 speed.  How did I learn this?  Malcolm picked it up.  That's it.  Withing 10 seconds of having it turned on he managed to show me that there is more than 1 setting.  Why had it never occurred to me to press that damn button a second time?

Which leads me to reason #2 that I know we are destined to be lifelong friends.  He makes me wonder.  I took a course in seminary on wonder.  What wonder is, how to encourage it, how to take time to wonder.  It seemed so logical and smart and easy at age 23, having never been outside of an academic setting.  I would sit in class and think that of course we all needed to stop and smell the proverbial roses, why on earth was I earning credit for this class?  Then life happened.  5 years of work and general living and not being an official student later, I wish I would remember to smell those roses.  Or to look at the snow outside and think not of the delays and headaches that it will result in, but how infinitely amazing it is that there is 13 inches on the ground and not one single flake is the same as another.   Malcolm is a constant reminder that the world is full of things to marvel at.  From the universal and deeply meaningful to remembering that it's okay to experiment with everyday items just to "see what happens."

And the third and most important reason I know that Malcolm was more than a huge bonus to meeting and marrying Jeff?  I love him.  It may seem like that reason doesn't make sense.  But to me, it does.  I love this child.  This child that did not grow inside me, nor did I ever see in infancy.  This child that could already walk and punch and argue when we met.  This child that teaches me all the time that I am capable of more.  I am so much more than what I limit myself to.  Jeff tells me this, my parents and sister tell me this, it is something I "know."  Yet for some reason when this realization comes from Malcolm it clicks.  I have a sudden, fleeting moment of clarity that whatever horrible thing is happening at this exact second is just a speck of dust on the "big picture" of our lives.  I have gained patience that I never thought I would have.  And love that is so pure and real that wondering at it now, tears of joy fall from my eyes.

Parenthood, and step-parenthood in particular, is trial by fire.  There is nothing to be done except do and then pray that you're doing something right.  Judging by Malcolm Jeff has done a great job, and the way he relates to me I think maybe I'm not doing too shabby.  I know that this is a lifelong job, and I am already dreading Malcolm circa age 12...but today I am so blessed to be spending time with him.  Teaching him.  Loving him.  But most importantly, learning and growing from him.  

Goodbye

Mood:  anxious, sad


It's never been easy to take Malcolm back to his mother's.  I have always had a deep hatred for Sunday nights...since I was in 4th grade or so.  I get anxious, I get sad, I get really stuck inside my own head.  I've written about it before.  No sense beating a dead horse.


Annnnnnyway.  Like I said, it is NEVER fun to drive Malcolm an hour away and say goodbye.  Especially since we won't get to see him for another 2 weeks.  I've been stuck with that thought all day...the waiting to say goodbye.  And I really didn't want to be stuck with that cause I had that feeling all week last week.  The second I saw my parents Monday afternoon it was a constant battle in my head between enjoying the moment in front of me and wallowing in pity that saying goodbye was imminent and quickly approaching.  Wednesday I lost the battle between wallowing and was an irresponsible idiot...but the rest of the week I managed to at least wage the internal war.  


Now that Jeff and I have had to say goodbye and returned to our normal routine I can't help but get stuck in the feeling of goodbye.  It sucks and I'm horrible at them.  I hate saying goodbye.  I hate feeling goodbye.  I hate picking up and moving on when all I want to do is cry and scream about how it's not fair to have sooooooooooo much love around and have to let go of it all sometimes.  Physically, that is.


I've gone back and forth about blogging today.  I don't like to blog when I'm really stuck inside my head.  When I really can't stop the depressing thoughts.  When all I can feel is a constant tightness in my throat and chest and the tears burning my eyes.  But it isn't fair for me to expect I can only blog happy (or the new/old blog would have been more successful...) so I decided to go ahead and write tonight.  


I have Jeff and that in itself is something to be insanely giddy about.  And, I have the list of 101 goals I hope to accomplish in the next 1001 (999 since I already started) days.  Here it is readers.  Enjoy!

101 in 1001

Long-term goals

Start Date:  July 6, 2012

End Date:    March 30, 2015

1.       Start blogging again

2.      Maintain blog

3.      Pray in color regularly

4.      Start and KEEP a new journal until it is full.  Start a new one when that is full.

5.      Become a biological mother (if it is in God’s plan)

6.      Add a Pomeranian to the family

7.      Be settled (everything out of boxes) into our first house

8.     Host a holiday party in our first home

9.      Take Jeff and Malcolm to New York City during Christmas time

10.  Find a place to worship

11.   Make a statement necklace by myself

12.  Completely reread the Bible

13.  Lose and keep off 30 pounds

14.  Make “safe for Jeff” chocolate chip cookies

15.   Enroll in a graduate program

16.  Make a piece of clothing by hand

17.   Create a family calendar to send to parents at the holidays

18.  Write a Christmas/holiday letter and cards for 2012 and mail to all people on our wedding invite list ON TIME

19.  Make a “Lilland” piece of art to hang on the walls in our house

20. Put wedding photos in frames and display

21.  Visit the capitol building in Des Moines

22. Get lines of my heart tattoo cleaned up

23. Purchase and relearn how to use a sewing machine

24. Read an entire book on marriage

25.  Get rid of (permanently) clothes that have not been worn in 3 months or more

26. Spend a day organizing make-up and cleaning brushes and bags…give away all colors that have never been or will not be worn

27.  Learn how to make mom’s Irish stew by heart

28. Find a method to control nail polish storage clutter

29. Become a member at a gym

30. Find a couple with whom we can double date

31.  Plan a romantic weekend for Jeff and I

32. Continue moving forward in career…no moving backward no matter how scary or hard going forward is

33. Bake homemade bread

34. Refurbish at least one piece of furniture for living space

35.  Make throw pillows by myself

36. Purchase the entire Scrubs series on DVD

37.  Visit Myth lounge in Omaha with Jeff

38. Master making pie crust and bake an apple pie from scratch in the fall

39. Get a couples massage with Jeff

40. Write something with Jeff

41.  Reread the entire Harry Potter series

42. Dedicate one month to cleaning something every single day

43. Learn how to make an authentic Indian curry

44. Develop a family emergency binder and emergency preparedness kit

45.  Take dance lessons

46. Spend a weekend in Vegas with Jeff

47.  Find a style of meditation that works for me

48. See a ballet in person

49. Transfer contacts from online storage to handwritten leather address book

50. Make a glittered Starbucks cup

51.   Spend a day skiing

52.  Play a game of miniature golf

53.  Learn how to prepare hollandaise sauce

54.  Make an entire dinner out of appetizers

55.  Use chik-fil-a recipe for Malcolm and Jeff on a weekend

56.  Whiten my teeth

57.  Spend one month doing Pilates every single day

58. Attend a yoga class

59.  Make a traditional Irish dinner

60. Decide on a charity with Jeff to donate to

61.  Take Malcolm to Adventureland and ride roller coasters

62. Make my own homemade body scrub

63. Read a book on managing personal finances

64. Write creatively every day for a month

65.  Spend one week without facebook

66. Buy an investment little black dress

67.  Participate in a 5k

68. Invest in a new flat iron

69. Avoid fast food for one month

70. Donate blood

71.   Go shopping for antiques on a Saturday

72.  Bake and decorate Christmas cookies with Malcolm

73.  Craft my own wire knot ring

74.  Buy a classic, red Chanel lipstick

75.  Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade

76.  Visit the Iowa State Fair

77.  Go to Tulip Time in Pella and send Dutch letters home to Pennsylvania

78. Get a kitten for Malcolm

79.  Learn how to curl my own hair with a flat iron

80.Spend one month doing random acts of kindness for strangers

81.  Read “Love Wins” by Rob Bell

82. Tour a brewery

83. Beat Super Mario Bros. on Wii

84. Learn how to play chess

85. Send a piece of writing in for publication

86. Attend a KU men’s basketball game in Lawrence at Allen Fieldhouse

87. Watch the original “Star Wars”

88.Color every page in a coloring book…even if I don’t like the picture

89. Buy a pair of Tom’s

90. Wake up and take a random day trip to an unplanned destination

91.  Upcycle a pair of old flared jeans to make them a colored skinny pair

92. Locate a ballet class or order DVDs online and start ballet again

93. Finish reading “An Altar in the World” by Barbara Brown Taylor

94. Spend a weekend going through wardrobe and get rid of sloppy, college clothes to start putting together a more polished one

95.  Find an organization to volunteer with

96. Spend an afternoon at a winery

97.  Take a self-defense class

98. Redesign and personalize blog to increase traffic

99. Spend one month getting up earlier to stretch, and put together a polished look each day

100.                     Send out all Christmas 2012 presents BEFORE Christmas

101.                      Break addiction to caffeine gradually