Zooey 101

Mood:  anxious


Monday is over!  It wasn't a bad Monday to be perfectly honest, but I got super anxious tonight.  Like, my chest is tight and keeping an even and steady breath actually takes work at the moment.  I have no clue where this anxiety came from.  Or what could have triggered it.  Work was fine.  I felt semi-productive today, and Jeff and I went out for Chinese (my go to comfort food!).  So this random super anxiety is both unwelcome and unwarranted.

I'm sitting here attempting to calm down, and it's working a bit.  Something that is helping me:

That, dear readers, is the little princess that is Zooey Lilland.  All 2.5 pounds of her.  She got weighed on the cat scale...that's how little she is.  Though, comparing her to this:

...she is HUGE!  Okay.  Perhaps huge isn't the right word, but oh my goodness is she getting big fast!  It's so amazing to watch her grow...and I will continue to say she looks huge to me.  I can't wait to see who she turns out to be as a dog.  I'm hoping she learns the word "no," and that she starts sleeping through the night...but pretty much everything else can stay!  And she can continue to get (a little bit) bigger since my awesome sister (and her Pomeranian princess, Maddie) sent some super cute things for Zooey to grow into!  

This little fluff ball is a wonderful reminder of the (almost) year that Jeff and I have spent married.  In some ways our marriage is an odd parallel to Zooey's growth as a puppy, we had to learn boundaries, saying and hearing "no" included.  Granted I didn't ever have to tell Jeff not to chew my shoes, but you get the idea.  

Happy Monday everyone!  And may you find something that centers you in times of great stress or anxiety as well!

100th Post (or...Lonely Day)

Mood:  I could tell from the minute I woke up....




...It was going to be a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely day.  


That song was actually in my head this morning when I woke up.  Appropriately so, as it was and continues to be an incredibly lonely day.  I am currently in my apartment....150 miles away from the fiance....and will not see him until the 17th of July.   Which I know could be worse...but I'm about to be put to a severe test....a mission trip.  With senior high.  And parents who it seems aren't that fond of me.  Actually I learned today that it seems a whole lot of people aren't fond of me.  But that's for another post.


My nice thing for today?  Blogging this 100th post...and that's three days in a row!  I definitely deserve a sandwich now (see earlier posts for reference).  Writing makes me feel better.  About myself.  About my situation.  There's something about getting things outside of myself that just helps.  Especially on days like today where everything just felt...lonely.  


I've quoted this Scrubs episode a million times and I'll do it a million more:

"because nothing sucks more than feeling completely alone, even when you're surrounded by people"

The thing that sucked the most about today?  Even the talking with Jeff felt lonely.  I know I'm not going to see him until at least the 17th, and there's a possibility it may not be till the 21st.  So while I didn't feel ALONE today....everything just felt LONELY.  And I hate that feeling.  I really do.  I'm not the most extroverted person in the world, nor do I always feel the need to be surrounded by people.  In fact, I really like ME time.  I like having nobody around (except for Jeff which is a feeling that is so foreign to me) so I can do a face mask or give myself a mani and space out to Bravo crappy tv shows.  


It seems to me that there is a profound difference in being lonely and alone (or having ME time).  And it seems that when I'm overwhelmed, stressed, scared, and just generally tired...I get to this lonely place.  Which...if I stay in for too long...becomes paralyzing.  And I haven't felt like this since I met Jeff.  It's a completely new sort of lonely.  It sucks still though.


I suppose, for the time being...all I can do is get through this next week.  In 7 days...at this time...I'll have finished at day at Six Flags and be preparing to come home from a week of service, fellowship, and hopefully fun.  


I hope the lonely feeling goes away.  But if it doesn't...I'll just keep reminding myself that I may feel lonely but I am NEVER alone.  Also....DEFINITELY check out the song....it's a good one.  And who doesn't love a Schwartzman brother?  I know I do...(And no Jeff, it's not at all Jonasy......)

Hello July

Mood:   ....exhausted....angry.....worthless


Well, it is officially July.  I planned on blogging right as the month started, but it started in a crazy whirlwind.  


Jeff and I ended June/brought in July seeing Transformers 3:  Dark of the Moon:

Quite a good movie, and a very much needed 2.5 hours of absolute nothingness but entertainment.  I desperately required a little mind-numbing after last Thursday.  


Friday brought me catching up on wedding stuff such as addressing invites, stuffing envelopes, and preparing them for mailing.  Jeff helped when he was available on Sunday...we are excellent with teamwork.  Friday evening...we had the boy and it was a truly amazing weekend with him.  Each time I hear him call me "mommy" even though we say "Ashley," a piece of my heart just breaks with joy.  I may not have given up on true love...but I had most certainly given up on having a family of my own...and while I am not Malcolm's biological mother...I cannot even describe how much pride I take in knowing that I am in this boy's life. He is amazing.  And hilarious.  And frankly, can use my iPhone better than me.  He's 2.5 years old....hello gray hair!


Saturday we visited with my Aunt and Uncle and cousins from Texas at my grandparent's house and had an awesome time revisiting old playgrounds for Malcolm to enjoy.  It felt surreal to be a grandkid at the house with a kid.  It was a feeling I wasn't sure that I'd ever have to deal with.  I was so proud, though, to show off my fiance and his son.  They are two of the most awesome men on the planet.  And that includes alien robots if they exist.


Sunday...I felt awful.  Slept in.  Grilled...and by grilled I mean...Jeff did the grilling while I tried to keep Malcolm occupied and playing with his Autobots.  We ended up with an awesome dinner of hamburgers and corn....plus some AMAZING strawberry shortcake Jeff's mom made (I am sooooooo going to have to have her pass me some recipes).  Jeff has never taken Malcolm to fireworks before and since the kid is going on 3 we figured...we'd give it a shot.  We were planning to take him to a nearby town for their 10:00PM show (his bedtime is 7) when Jeff read about a display at 8 at the Jordan Creek Mall.  We got there right around 7:50 or so.  20 minutes later we left, with a very upset and cranky Malcolm in tow.  It was hot, past his bedtime, and the fireworks were nowhere near starting.  Plus the thrill of being near water was apparently more interesting than the fireworks (which, to be fair, he didn't even know where taking place and/or why we were there in the first place...).  After putting Malcolm to bed, Jeff and I finished the last of the invitations and kinda just did nothing.  We were both hot, cranky, and I was still not feeling well.  And after finding out a few hours prior that my mom had spent the whole day in the hospital...I wasn't really up for any festivities of any kind.


The 4th...took Malcolm to the Ames parade.  He had a blast!

After a few hours in the sun I was about ready to pass out...and from what I recall I pretty much spent the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing.  Except for getting a sunburn...that is still a bit painful when it comes to having a t-shirt on.  


The overall craziness of the holiday weekend and the stress that has been nonstop and is only getting worse has once again put my body in a state of...shutdown.  My body does that.  When I push past what it feels like doing...it kinda lets me knows it's pissed and just stops.  Awesome.


What I find really annoying is that I've been pushing myself to absolutely exhaustion for apparently no reason.  I'm not far enough removed from the situation nor calm enough to write rationally about what has me so irate...but it's typical that when one part of your life goes really really well...another falls apart.  Only this situation has been unraveling for a long time.  And family...NO this is NOT about you.  At all.  


I will be working from tomorrow until at LEAST the 17th....and the 10th-16th of that is essentially 16 hour days with being "on call" at night.  Senior High mission trip is going to be an experience I am sure I will never forget...but it's one that I'm currently dreading.


I guess my nice thing for today was to get out of bed....even though I wanted to sleep all day....face the e-mails and nastiness of the current situation head on...and write.  After all....I can't start the month with nothing.  And it was TRULY a wonderful celebration with an amazing new family.


I'll keep you all posted on the mission trip...the aftermath...and what's next for me.  And of course...the wedding planning process.  I swear I have about 2 books worth of material to turn into a "how to plan a wedding while you continue to lose your mind" kinda thing.  After all....we're only 73 days away....

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Mood:  but if you try sometimes...you just might find...you get what you need




So...two days in a row?  I want some kind of award.  Not a cookie...I have a dress to look good in.  But perhaps a monument.  Or a medal.  Hell I'll take a sandwich named after me...which honestly I've always kind of wanted...


Anyway, I wish that I could say that between last night and this afternoon things magically changed and I'm super happy and in blissful engaged mode.  Truthfully?  I'm not sure I even want to deal with a wedding.  Either is Jeff and that isn't fair at all.  Because we WANT that day more than anything.  And not just for us.  We want it for everybody else.  I want Jeff to see me at the end of the aisle, walking towards him.  I want my dad to lift the veil and shake Jeff's hand.  I want my grandfather to get to see his first grandchild get married (and the rest of them too....).  But we can't have all of that if we can't have the assurance that the day is about Jeff and I.  And then everybody else.


Aren't weddings all about celebrating the fact that two people are choosing to live with and for one another for the rest of their lives?  How does it come down to fights over who wears the same dress? 


Let me say this:  I understand that a wedding is a stressful event.  And it's not just stressful for that one day.  This is a HUGE lifetime change.  And frankly, I mean...I really only want to plan one of these things.  I kinda really love Jeff.  So I understand why emotions run high during this time of change.  I also understand that everybody involved has a life...and it doesn't revolve around this wedding.  


But there's a whole lot more that I don't understand.  I got some great advice from a family member last night.  And Jeff this morning.  Both came down to keeping myself happy and not letting others get in my way.  But Jeff said something that I've been thinking about all day.  

You can't fix what you didn't break.

This has stuck with me for a few reasons....one....things are broken right now.  Irrevocably.  And I am a fixer.  Which is a new thing...I have always been a people pleaser...but before I was one who did so begrudgingly.  And kept a record of everything I did that I didn't want to. Things that I did to make others happy.  I realized that living life making other people happy was making me miserable.  So I stopped.  And I've never been happier.  It was a bumpy road.  And it took a long time to navigate who I was without being a doormat.  And once I stopped being a "yes" girl...I was angry.  I lived angry for months.  That didn't really suit me either.  I'm not an angry person.  It eats at me...it makes me uneasy...I get physically ill carrying anger around.  Like I have been today.


So what now?  I am really torn.  Like I said...I am fully aware that ALL of the people involved are under all their day to day stresses and the addition of a wedding sucks.  I know that...cause...well...as the bride I kinda get all the shit thrown at me.  I honestly understand the show Bridezillas now.  Really.  I do.  Which scares me cause I soooooooooooo don't want that drama attached to our wedding day.  I want it to be about us.  And if that makes me a bridezilla then I'll take the moniker.  


As far as nice things?  I guess...living in the brokenness.  Sometimes you have to.  Because not everything can be, or should be, fixed.  

The Clouds in Your Eyes...

Mood:  ...all you have to do is cry




I've had two really rough weeks in a row.  Hence the lack of blogging.  Vacation Bible School ran from June 6-10 and was....church craziness at it's finest.  125 kids, 5 days, myself and 1 other volunteer....I was dead at the end of that week.  So the fiance and I were super stoked to have the next week be a 2 day work week and a visit home to PA.


That week?  I'd rather take an entire year of VBS's in a row than relive last week.


There were definitely some positive things that came out of the trip....check out this AMAZING work by an extremely talented high school friend:




http://www.tinajayphotography.com/blog/2011/06/rose-gardens-allentown-engagement-photographer/


Here's a little taste of what's in there:

Seriously....check it out....I've never seen myself look that happy.  Which is awesome cause it's a genuine reflection of how I feel inside.


Or how I felt inside.  The thing about going home is that...well...here's a quote from Garden State that I've used before.  And will most likely use a million times again.  Zach Braff is a genius (and a super nice guy in case I forgot to share with my dear readers that I met him!!!! But that story is for another day...).  Anyway...the basic plot of the movie is about a man who goes home for his mother's funeral.  He hasn't been home in years.  It's a tense family relationship to say the least.  And he meets a girl while at his therapist's office that...changes the way he looks at home and life...and he changes her view as well.  But he describes his anxiety and troubles with home so eloquently here:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone....You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. 

I've felt that way for years.  Probably since college.  But even though I felt like I had a place to put my stuff....I also had a family to go back to.

After this visit?  I feel like a complete stranger in my own childhood home.  And I'm watching some of my family become complete strangers to me which is perhaps the most painful thing I've encountered thus far in my life.  


Zach Braff's always clever character says right in the quote that you create a new idea of home for yourself...and I'm certainly doing that.  I laid in bed this morning for nearly 45 minutes with Jeff, his son, and Yoda all curled up...Malcolm talking nonsense to Daddy first thing in the morning...and Daddy and I trying to decipher it.  And it felt exactly like what home should feel like.  That warm feeling...the feeling that if you loved that moment anymore your heart would break.


When Jeff went to work this afternoon...and took Malcolm back to his mom for the week...my heart did break.  I don't know how it happened....but I've completely lost my home.  An engagement is supposed to be a happy time.  And judging by the photos on Tina's blog...it certainly has some incredible moments.  Yet I can't shake the anxiety that's not wedding related.  Or the judgement of those who feel I'm choosing someone or something OVER someone or something else.  


This blog is about doing things that make me happy.  On a daily basis.  Today?  I played a lot of Fruit Ninja on my phone.  And I slept.  Beyond that...in the last 3 months I've made some major life decisions that make me happier than I've ever been.  And if complete strangers, random acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in YEARS can see that on my face, I have to wonder why those closest to me can't.  For me...it's not a matter of this versus that...it's navigating through new relationships and dynamics.  New ideas of home and places that can be visited and have a welcoming feel.


I suppose my nice thing for today was really just blogging.  Attempting to make sense of the chaos that is my brain.  Trying to figure out what I've done that warranted the pain of last week while knowing that no matter what happens...I'll be okay.  I've had a song in my head since leaving PA...one of my favorite artists.  The video is nothing except the album cover art.  The title of the album?  We Were Here...go figure that's what's on my mind.

I'm going to head upstairs to make dinner for the man that I plan on cooking with for the rest of my life.  And I'm going to cry.  And keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward...cause that's all I can do.

Out of My Way...

Mood:  confused, nervous, excited

It's 9:48 and I just woke up to my phone.  Let  me repeat, it's 9:48 and my phone just woke me up.  I'm 26 and it's a Thursday night.  That's kinda sad.

I have no social life apparently.  Actually, I'm still getting over a month (plus) of sinus/upper respiratory crap...and I'm recovering from flying/holidays/adjusting to work again.  Perhaps I'm putting off a social life.

Whatever.  Point is, now I'm up.  And I find I'm having trouble falling back asleep.  I was watching hulu and all of a sudden....my phone was ringing in a completely unfamiliar tone...and I was confused.  And now...I'm rambling.

But.  I rediscovered something yesterday.  My nice thing for myself yesterday was to run to Wal-Mart on my lunch hour to get gas, and I needed cuticle oil (I try to take very good care...) and I decided to check out the DVDs and see if perhaps there was something I was interested in.  And at the verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry bottom of an end cap happened to be the first two seasons of Will & Grace for $20.  So I nicely purchased cuticle oil, the DVD...and returned to a hellish day of work.

When I got home, I cleaned a bit...then decided to chill.  I work until 8ish on Wednesdays and it takes me at least 2 hours to completely de-stress and leave work at work.  Then I move on and indulge in my me time...even if it's cleaning.  So last night, after the cleaning, I decided to start decompressing by putting in this amazing show...and I was literally laughing out loud.  I forgot how truly awesome that show is.  

This morning, as I filled myself in on the episodes I fell asleep during last night, Jack happened to inspire my entire mood for the day.  He turned to Will and said "you know, anger  doesn't really go with what you're wearing."  I laughed....and then I realized that anger doesn't suit me either.  I'm not an angry person.  And I've been carrying around this anger for a few weeks that I just don't know what to do with or how to handle, cause it's just sooooooooooooooo not me.  So I internalize it and hate myself...which makes nice things harder.  But this seemingly obsequious quote has jarred me back into myself.

Anger doesn't fit with me.  It just doesn't.  So I decided today that I'd shed it.  Anger and resentment and carrying them around...I think it's kind of like a drinking a toxic poison...but expecting somebody else to get hurt.  Which won't happen.  Only you will be harmed.  

I'll forget this lesson in a day or two.  The next time something goes terribly wrong I'm sure...but I've learned it once, so I can learn it again.  And I can get up tomorrow morning remembering I don't like being or feeling angry.  And I have no desire to harm myself or be anything but happy.  

And in that spirit, I dressed up adorably today, wore gorgeous make up...my favorite perfume (Chanel Chance) AND got my nails done...on top of an incredibly productive day at the office.  Look good, feel good, do good.  And to do that...get the hell out of your own way.

Confessions of a Gleek

Mood:  exhausted, excited, anxious, sick

My stomach is upset...and has been for much of the afternoon.  So after all the excitement of this morning (more on that in an upcoming post) I really wanted to just take this afternoon and slow down a bit.  I've been kind of rushing from day to day since Wednesday...I feel like Wednesday was a month ago already.

After making a deliciously indulgent lunch of chicken nachos (with fresh guacamole) Caitlyn and I did some menial tasks around the apartment.  Then I took a nap.  And then...business time.

No, that picture is not a mistake...and yes, it is from glee.  As Caitlyn and I have opted for internet service in lieu of cable (both is not an option...) we don't get to see our shows.  Which isn't a huge burden because, in all honesty, we really only watch a few shows faithfully.  Namely, The Soup (which is NOT available on Hulu sadly) and glee.  We throw in SNL (but that's almost exclusively through Hulu as we can't stay up that late....) and of course The Office, Parks & Rec, and Community (we LOVE Joel McHale...)...but with Hulu we can watch almost all of our programming...just a little later than the rest of the country.

Somehow Caitlyn and I got WAAAAAAAAAAAY behind on glee and hadn't even finished the end of the first season.  So today, the second and third discs of the first season so we can catch up with the new season (and keep current then!).  Honestly, that show stresses me out.

While vegging out in front of the tv was my nice thing for myself (and truly nice because I adore this program) I realized that this show stresses me out because it takes me back to high school...and as I am now an educator of sorts...I find watching it puts me under a certain amount of stress.  See, while I may not be THAT far out of high school....8 years is nearly an eternity in a culture that changes as frequently as we change underwear.  And this is clearly reflected in glee...example...when I was in high school Britney Spears was just starting to cause controversy...and 8 years later she has a tribute episode of glee....see what I mean?  So how do I keep up with everything these kids today are facing?  How can I let them know they're okay?  Just as they are....

Well, I have some theories.  But I assume that for now, my course of action will be dictated by my intuition (which I know trust thanks to a certain Irish lad).  And while indulging in 5 hours of glee, I realized that my nice things are already affecting others...as they will dictate how I treat myself and the people around me.  While I don't have all the answers to make everything okay and pretty...I CAN without a doubt tell these kids (no matter how good OR how badly they think they have it) that it ALWAYS gets better, that they DO matter, and that they ARE INTENSELY loved AS THEY ARE RIGHT THIS SECOND.  By telling myself that...and now truly believing that...I can share that.  And the beat goes on....