What's in a Name?

Mood:  excited....sick...scared....content




So...this morning I posted on Jeff's fb wall....as he was posting on mine...that we get married in 31 days.  31 days!!!!!!  


This past weekend, Jeff and I met up with Mommy and Daddy (mine) and picked up pretty much everything they had for the wedding.  Including the dress.  The dress!!!!!  This is all so exciting and humbling and amazing.  


One year...and a few days ago...I started this blog.  Thinking about that, I remember where I was.  What I was doing.  What I was hoping I would be doing.  I was praying that I would soon be a Director of Christian Education.  I currently am.  


And this year?  I'm looking forward to a new title:

While gaining the title of wife, (step)mother, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law...I'm losing some.  


I have resigned from my position as Director of Christian Education.  While there have been a multitude of events and happenings that led to my decision...the only one that I need to discuss here is that it's part of my new life.  Moving forward.  Leaving some things behind.  But taking the most important things with me.


It's so odd how we identify ourselves by names and titles and roles that we play.  We are workers.  We are friends.  Above all, we are human.  And all we can ask for on any given day is that we do our best given what we've got.  And that we find the joy in what we have, what we want, and what we're willing to make happen.


As I leave behind my professional title (and office with my own stained glass windows...) I find that I'm sad...but content.  I take with me the most satisfying and important part of my job:  the relationships I formed with the youth here.  And I leave behind the drama and the anxiety and the negative feelings.


Moving on isn't always about moving up...sometimes it's just the movement that's important. The change of a name.  The letting go of a defining role.  The understanding that you still exist even if a  change in title makes you unsure that you do.


Today's better thing?  The thing that makes me feel good and happy?  Looking at the cosmetic case I purchased for myself for the honeymoon.  Grieving the loss of my professional title (uh...not to mention the CB from my last name....eeek!) while remembering that I'm still me.  I'm the person who started this blog last August, the CE position in October...only now I'm a bit wiser, far healthier, certainly less single (YAY)...and I have an impending name change. 

First Day

Mood:  excited, nervous, anxious, empowered

There are tons of "first days" in one's life...but the first day of a new job always brings with it a new sense of purpose, a new persona maybe, and of course a new set of worries.  Today, I woke up waaaaaaaaaaaaay earlier than I wanted to as I'm at work until 8 this evening (our Wednesday evening youth program kicks off tonight!) and tossed and turned until I eventually decided sleep was not coming and thus settled on being awake.  After nearly 2 nervous hours online I decided to get ready for my first day (officially full-time now) as the Director of Christian Education at Lakeside Presbyterian Church.  I got ready slowly, made some awesome coffee (which I've been too lazy to make for some time) and headed in.

On my drive in, I prayed.  I did deep breathing.  And I listened to a voicemail from my very best friend from back home, which made me cry a bit...so I turned Maroon 5 up until the tears were gone.  I've got nearly 4 hours of work left, and I've been here for almost 5 soooooooooo I'm about ready to go.  But aside from impeccable grooming and heel wearing, I haven't done many nice things for myself today.  I made coffee, I used EXTRA moisturizing lotion...but...until a few minutes ago I couldn't think of anything in particular that made today special.  And after all, a first day should be special if nothing else.

Here is where my good thing comes in to play today.  It's simple, but abundantly beautiful in it's simplicity.  I am ALIVE to live this day.  That is honestly my nice thing.  I gave myself kudos for having the strength to have gone on every single time I didn't want to, didn't think I could, didn't see any way for me to "be."  In light of recent circumstances surrounding our youth (in particular the LGBTQ community) I think this is an incredibly noble thing to acknowledge.  To really admire myself for "hanging in there," "keeping my chin up" and any other tired phrase that gets tossed around.

Truth is, we're all in a state right now.  When I started this blog it was just to remind myself that given current circumstances, life didn't suck...and was still worth living.  And today, I am more committed to learning all the bazillions of reasons why "it gets better."  It does, it has, and it will continue to get better.  I can't wait to see what other "firsts" will continue to come my way...and I'm glad I'll be around for it all.

(first mother/daughter picture taken during an elevator ride!!! and also...it's pretty!)

 

Over My Head

Mood:  overwhelmed, excited, tired, happy


I still have no internet at the apartment.  Apparently that will be taking place on Thursday, which cannot come soon enough.


As it has been a long time since I've blogged you may or may not know that I have finally started a CAREER.  Not a job...a career.  A full time position with health benefits, AND a pension plan.  But nerdy me likes the fact that I have my OWN office best of all.  I am now the Director of Christian Education at Lakeside Presbyterian church in Storm Lake, Iowa.  It took me 4 years after graduating from college, 2 years after leaving seminary...but I finally have a "real" job.  And it was worth the wait (so far, I haven't even worked a full day yet....).


I am beyond excited at starting this amazing opportunity and can only praise God for placing me here.  Truth is, patience is something I don't have a whole lot of...but I waited this out and I couldn't be happier.


So I'm decorating my office making things look "pretty" with Caitlyn and we're listening to The Fray...and all of a sudden I realize that I'm totally in over my head (the song with the same title helped put that idea in my head though).  Seriously...I have no idea what I'm doing.  Sure, my mom was a CE Director and a pastor.  And yeah, I went to seminary.  But the truth is...I have NO CLUE what I'm doing.  It doesn't help that I'm still working at the manor during my 2 week transition period and I can't devote all my time to the church....but I'm lost.  Honestly.


However, I have a sense that I'm going to be okay.  And I have this completely safe feeling that while I may be overwhelmed, and have no idea what's going to happen...I'm going to be able to handle it.  Not because I'm innately skilled in this area...not because I'm just the best damn Christian educator ever...but because I truly believe with all my heart in God's amazing and ever present grace.  It is abundant...faithful...and constant. 


And if the ONLY thing I accomplish in the field of Christian education is letting children/young adults know that they are special, and loved, and have value...I've done my work. 

Legally...Half Blonde

Mood:  blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Today was not a pretty day.  I woke up COMPLETELY awake before dawn all ready to go to the gym, and I could not get Caitlyn to wake up.  I wasn't trying TOO hard because to be honest, the last thing I felt like doing was going to the gym before 6:00.  I checked all my social networking sites (which is sadly the FIRST thing I do in the morning) and then took a little snooze until I absolutely HAD to get into the shower.

I'll skip the rest of my day.  It included disappointment, disrespect, dehumanization, and a lot of other "D" words.  So as I was on the phone with my mom (who is helping Cait and I move and I get to see in less than 2 weeks!!!!!!) she asked what nice thing I had done for myself today.  I really couldn't answer.  I did a few things that were nice...but nothing seemed to make me feel better.

I guess if I had to pick ONE thing that I did that made me feel better today it would be this:

This movie ALWAYS makes me happier inside.  And I tear up every single time I listen to her graduation speech.  While fun and frivolous, this movie reminds me that I AM capable of doing things that others may not expect of me and that I may not even expect of myself yet.  Life really is full of surprises and and maybe my nice thing for today is reminding myself that my future might not even be known to me yet.  I might be destined for things that I haven't even dreamed of.  And there's some scariness in there...but also some beauty.  Today...I gave myself the gift of hope...and surprise...and motivation.