I (still) Do

Mood:  blessed


Jeff - 

One year ago I walked down the aisle to your smiling face.  I was so sure I would cry.  As I stood listening to our prelude music and my father gave me my "something old" 

(the "it's a girl pin" they received and my hospital bracelet from the day I was born)

I sobbed.  I honestly was unsure whether I would even be able to use a steady voice.  As I heard "Here Comes My Girl" finish I felt so....right and at peace that I glanced at my dad, saw him smile, and couldn't wait to see your face.  I saw you smile, saw Malcolm look at me....and I knew in that instant that my life was forever changed for the better.  

I knew on our second date that you were the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Your passion, humor, responsibility, and smile are just a few of the things that cemented this realization.  

So here is a brief history of us in photos:

third date...and first picture of us EVER

seconds after getting engaged.

our engagement photography session

mr. and mrs.

annnnnnnnnnnnd.....

me...just a few seconds ago

One year ago today I felt like a princess.  And I married you, my prince.  We sipped champagne from my dream Swarovski crystal flutes and I danced with you in a beautiful dress as you smiled.  Tonight, I'm wearing yoga pants.  I have on a t-shirt, no makeup, and glasses.  Yet, as we sipped champagne and ate a piece of our wedding cake...I feel the exact same way that I did one year ago today.  Like a princess, with you as my prince.

I still have butterflies in my stomach when I think of you.  My face still lights up when somebody says your name or you enter a room.  So, Jeff, I STILL do.  I still promise every single thing that I vowed to keep close to my heart at our wedding...and tonight I promise even more.

We've talked about the common wisdom that the first year of marriage is the hardest.  We haven't had the easiest of times every single day, but I find it hard to believe that marriage only gets easier.  Because regardless of the fight, the words, the hurt feelings...it's always temporary.  And I cannot imagine a life that you are not a part of.  

Jeff, I STILL do.  I still cannot believe how lucky I am to fall asleep next to you every single night and wake up to you every morning.  I thank God each day that you are the one who loves watching stupid tv shows and youtube videos with me.  I am thrilled that it's your hand that holds me when I cry, and your voice that soothes me.  

I know that life won't always be easy.  I know that marriage requires a life of hard and constant work, and sometimes I slack off.  But I also know that there is something magical about us, and that you make me want to be a woman that I only dreamed of being before meeting you.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for inspiring me.  Thank you for choosing me.  Thank you for making me feel like a princess, even when I'm wearing yoga pants.  I love you.

Deadsies

Mood:  blessed

Every time I'm faced with death I can't help but be sad.  Even if I had no relationship with the deceased.  I will never forget last April, as I watched a resident take her last breath.  I had been working in long-term care since the fall...and managed to avoid witnessing a death until the spring.  I had been in her hospice room reading Psalms to her.  A nurse's aid held her left hand, as I held her right. The aid checked her pulse every few minutes.  We said nothing to each other while we were in the room together...we didn't need to.  I read.  She listened.  And we held the hands of a dying woman.

As this woman took her last gasping breath the only thing I could think about was...how hard that was for me.  And how terrible I must be to feel that.  I'll never forget the conversation I had with my mother as soon as I left work for the day.  I sobbed uncontrollably sputtering out how I felt terrible that I could only think of myself.  She reminded me that I was brave for being able to be present.  For comforting someone.  For making sure this woman was not alone as she prepared for the final step in coming home.

Shortly after that I read a book on Celtic spirituality that helped me reconcile my feelings of grief for her, and for myself.  In this book were some words from the amazing poet T.S. Eliot:

And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and to know the place for the first time.

One of the most beautiful aspects of Celtic spirituality to me is the idea that we journey along a path that is cyclical in nature.  We are born with all we need to know...living is simply being able to extract that which is already in our hearts and souls.  

This may have seemed to come out of nowhere...as some of my posts do.  However, there was a funeral at the church this morning.  And as I listened to the service...and helped grieving family members find their way around the church...I didn't feel sorry for myself.  I felt grief and immense sadness for those surrounding me.  But for me?  I felt blessed.  I felt immensely grateful to go back to my office.  To be able to call my sister.  To e-mail my dad.  To be alive.  


As we approach Lent...perhaps most especially Ash Wednesday...we are reminded of the finite and frail nature of humanity.  Yet I was reminded today by a dear friend, and old professor that this does not need to be the only thing we remember.  We can remember that while we are dying...we are also living.  And Lent can be a time to reclaim the transitory nature of our existence.  To "stop and smell the roses."  To find beauty and blessing in all that surrounds you.  


If you're not a "God" stuff kinda person...maybe it's a text that makes you smile during your day.  A song on the radio that had been long forgotten or a movie that speaks to you.  Whatever it is...may you experience the blessings that ARE all around you.  I know I have today.  And I can only hope to enter into this holy season continuing to remember how very blessed I truly am.

Way Too Long...

Mood:  Happy, in love, blessed

It has been nearly a week since I blogged.  Please forgive this as the moving process has upset the whole having a connection to the internet thing.  As I am in a hotel with WiFi now I'm blogging.  I'm using Caitlyn's computer, however, thus no pictures shall make this blog (and that is a tragedy).

This is just a brief update to promise all that I have not given up on doing one good thing a day for myself.  Some days while moving it was simply taking a nap...others it was just looking at my mother and realizing how blessed I am to have her near me again.

Today my good thing was saving caloric intake for alcohol....it's been too long...and SUSHI!!!  A night in Omaha to just let loose was all I needed.  I feel so blessed and so surrounded by love...no matter how far the distance.  

Hopefully internet will be up in the apartment this week and I'll be able to blog again regularly and with pictures.  Until then...do one thing everyday that makes you happy.  Peace and love to all.