The Day of No Complaining

Mood: thankful


Okay guys. Here's the deal. I spend way too much time on Pinterest. Seriously. It's probably not healthy. I currently work writing keyword content articles which requires me to spend a good chunk of my day in front of the computer, clicking between research and writing tabs. And, of course, Pinterest.

So this morning before I started writing I spent some time browsing looking for nail art I'll never be able to recreate, hairstyles I can't pull off and outfits that look good only on skinny, fit women. I'm seriously addicted, you guys. But I also love looking at the quotes and humor sections just for little pick me ups. Today I happened upon a pin that essentially said:

SPEND ONE DAY NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT A THING AND WATCH YOUR LIFE IMPROVE

I liked it and moved on with my day. Opened my writing tabs, started researching articles on Las Vegas. And yet this pin stuck with me. As I was reading about the luxurious hotels and spa amenities I started to think, ugh...why do I have to write an article about how to score deals on these awesome hotels when Jeff and I won't be able to take a vacation for...um....25 years or so. Maybe then we'll have enough money for a vacation.

And then I got kinda salty. I mean, our 2 year anniversary is on Tuesday. Our plan was to do what we did last year, spend a night in Omaha eating the best sushi ever and hanging out at the lounge where we very first discussed getting married. But. Um. This year. We'll be spending our anniversary in a hospital. And the weekend recovering.

I started to get annoyed and I took a break from research for a minute. As I tabbed to Pinterest I thought about the pin I had read and my mood instantly changed.

And I made myself a promise. I am going to spend all day without complaining one, single time. And then, I'm going to do it again tomorrow. And the next day.

I complain a lot. And I think I probably do  it more than I'm aware because I complain all day about really little things. I have a headache, the dogs are annoying, I can't find anything to eat (which really means there's plenty but I don't feel like making anything...) and the list goes on. And over the course of the day that wears on me. And it's got to wear on Jeff who hears it all day.

So today, on Friday the 13th of September 2013 I am going to spend a full day not complaining about a thing. Nothing. Instead I'm going to keep my mouth shut if I have something negative to say and think positive thoughts when I start to feel annoyed or scared or anxious.

Jeff and I are in a very scary place now. Physically as we worry about Jeff's health and financially as Jeff works incredibly hard to keep the family afloat. But focusing on that only paralyzes me. It makes me unable to concentrate on the good that is in my life. It stops me from being able to write and earn money and it stops me from enjoying the happy moments that occur each day.

And even though everything outside of me says right now, things just SUCK for Jeff and I, internally I feel completely calm and at peace. And rather than freak out about that calm, I'm going to embrace it. I'm going to laugh with Jeff and watch horrendously crappy TV all weekend as I write. I'm going to make inappropriate jokes with him and eat supper with him and kiss him and remember that there is so, so much good in our lives. We love each other. We support each other. We have an amazing son who learns new things every single day and loves everything about his life. I'm taking a page from his book and stopping to wonder at things and smile and laugh.

And I'm not complaining. I'm going to just spend at least this one day free from the negativity in my own head. And hopefully, that does improve my outlook. And thus our lives.

 

Better

Mood:  better...




So the fiance has been on me (HA) about not blogging.  As a writer himself, he understands the importance of words and getting them out.  Spoken words are great and all...but for me...it's more about seeing the written words on a computer screen, or journal page...reading them.  Sometimes I'm not completely aware of how I was feeling until I write something that forces me to look at it.  It's not always comfortable to read your own work...but sometimes it's necessary.


Last night, after I blogged, I reread the entire month of August from last year.  I knew this blog was nearly a year old...but I couldn't remember when I actually started it.  And while I knew that it was coming out of the worst depression I've ever experienced that helped spur me to write it...I couldn't remember if there was anything else.  The idea of better.  I think that came from the very physical sense of how much better I was feeling at that time.  Last year in August I started to want to wake up again.  Not just tolerate the idea of getting up each morning...but wanting to.  Getting excited about small and little things every single day gave me a reason to get out of bed.  


I read where I was last year...and thought all night of where I am today.  12 months ago if you had told me I would be 45 days away from my own wedding to the most adorably nerdy man ever, and added that I'd also be a mommy on top of that...I probably would have either laughed or cried at how mean of a joke that was.


The thing is...that IS where I am today.  It's 45 (YIKES) days until the wedding.  The nerd I love couldn't be more perfect for me.  His son?  I can't even describe how happy I feel just watching him simply exist.  It's a crazy...but wonderfully content...feeling that I haven't felt before.


Nice...better...whatever the reason I started this blog...I know it's affected change.  I'd like to think not only with me though.  I can't be positive on that...but I can attest to the fact that changing the way I think about and look at things...well...it's gotten me to today.  Is everything perfect?  Absolutely not.  I still live 2.5 hours from the fiance, we're both still hunting jobs (UGH), we have soooooooooooo much to do for the wedding it's unreal....but I still couldn't ask for anything better than what I've got right this second.  So I'm going to keep doing those small, simple things for myself everyday.  Today, though, I think it involves buying new jeans as I just got a sweet coupon...and I have one pair that I actually LIKE wearing.  


But even if I can't bring myself to buy jeans....or endure the torture that is trying on jeans (am I right ladies?)...I can do something even smaller...like paint my nails.  Or continue reading a book I started last night...or have a conversation with the future husband.  One positive change and decision starts another...it's like the annoying Nutrigrain commercial.  But it's true.  


Nobody can just wish themselves happy one second.  But everybody can make the decision to live a happier, healthier, better life by making decisions that will bring that change about.  Make one today.  

Crazy Little Thing

Mood:  ....called love....

I have a confession.  I don't think I have ever been in love before.  I've loved people...I've cared for people...but actually having been in love?  Nah.  Apparently not.

With a 6 year relationship in my past...and a person I did care deeply for...I have to admit that I'm slightly surprised by this realization.  I mean...obviously I knew I wasn't in love or I'd still be with the ex...but it's weird when your head and your heart decide to get along.

And honestly, mine rarely do.  Like....practically never.  I had an issue today searching the internet for the PERFECT shoe.  I looked for almost 4 hours straight...still haven't found it...and am more frustrated than I was before starting a search.  

The thing the shoe hunt taught me...and my nice thing for today...is that there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.  Of course I know this.  And I remind myself of it on a daily basis.  True story.   I am constantly telling this to myself.  In 4th grade, when I got my very first "B" ever on a report card I sobbed for 3 hours in my mom and dad's bed while they told me how proud they were of me.  And that just because I hadn't performed up to my usual standards didn't mean I was a horrible person.  Their 3 hour pep talk during my meltdown (one of very very many during my childhood and adolescence)  amounted to the fact that every "A" represented my potential.  While anything else just represented where I was.  And that was neither a good, nor bad thing...though they weren't crazy about the near "FAIL" in my senior year Calculus class (I redeemed myself in college).  The thing is...my parents raised me in this insane "you can do anything and be whoever you want" way.  It is only recently that they have become aware of how successful their nurturing was.  I truly believe I can do almost anything.  At least...the things I dare to allow myself to do.  

Anyway.  I realize that I'm not perfect.  And nobody is.  But the whole being in love thing?  It's it's own unique brand of perfection.  I don't believe in perfection anymore...attempting to obtain what I thought was perfect for me nearly killed me.  What I do believe in...is a perfection that is so imperfect...it stops making any kind of sense.  Stephen King once said that often we don't say the things that are the most difficult to say, because words diminish the power of our thoughts.  I doubt he was talking about being in insane love...and more about his dark and macabre stories (that I love...) but it works just the same.

And the whole perfect thing?  I thought I found THE shoe about 900 times today.  And every single time I found it...I found fault with it.  Too sparkly (okay....that actually WAS one which surprised me given my love for anything shiny)...to expensive...too high...too blue...too tacky looking...the list goes on for about 4 hours worth of looking for shoes.  What astounds me about this is I fell in love with this amazing man after being around him for maybe 12 hours.  I don't honestly remember how long the first date lasted.  All I recall is that I felt this undeniable connection...and it's only gotten stronger every single day since.  Shoes will come and go...I'm hoping he doesn't (and BOTH head and heart KNOW this is my person).

There truly are no words for the thrill that is being in love.  Not loving...but in an actual state of BEING.  Words are awesome.  I love them.  Writing is such an integral part of my life that I'd be lost without words.  But it IS frustrating when no matter what...there are no words that do justice to how you feel.  One day there will be.  And I'll look back and go...damn I should have said THAT.  Until then...I'll just keep working with what does come to me.  In all it's imperfect and crazy glory.

back to looking for shoes...and enjoy some Queen....it'll make your day so much better!

Compliment Sandwich

Mood:  the day is OVER!!!!

The title references a phenomenal episode of "Family Guy."  One my brother and I quote to each other quite often (or used to anyway).  And I've been thinking about compliments a lot lately.  I give them out all the time...and I get a fair number in return.  And I'm far passed the days of going "oh no" or "well...it's nothing."  I generally am mature enough to say "thank you."  But it's kind of gotten to be a reflex.  Thus, I got to thinking that I'm not really accepting praise or compliments, rather, I'm just emptily acknowledging that somebody has said something kind to me.

Today I worked a full day at work...which hasn't happened in a long time.  In my year at work, I've gotten to REALLY know some families and some of the residents.  And there are some people who have really, really touched my life in such amazing ways that some days I am honestly amazed that I get paid to be around these wonderful people.  And of course, there are the days where I feel like...well not so happy about my job.  Regardless, there are some people that have also really gotten to know me.  One family in particular  has been very close and kind and sort of a family away from family when I needed one.  

As my hours were cut, I've been working less (duh).  Apparently people have noticed my absence, and miss me.  As I was being told how much I was missed and how special I was to this family I kept saying "thank you" and "well, I love this job" and I meant it...but it seems I wasn't convincing enough.  This woman took my hand and said "Ashley, you DESERVE to be told these things.  You are wonderful.  And are a truly gifted presence here.  Our family really appreciates not only your work, but YOU."  And as I said thank you...I began to tear up.  I really meant thank you.

Some days you need affirmation and seek it.  Other days it just falls into your lap reminding you that even when you don't feel "enough" of anything...you ARE.  And while I didn't give myself praise...my nice thing for myself today was ACCEPTING kind words and taking them into me.  Allowing myself to be in a state of peace with myself, even if it only lasted a few minutes.  Amid all the stress of moving, and changing lives...it's nice to get a few minutes here and there where I feel loved and accepted as I am without all the crazy changes I keep trying to force.

And as an extra nice thing to myself today:

Cheers!