So...two days in a row? I want some kind of award. Not a cookie...I have a dress to look good in. But perhaps a monument. Or a medal. Hell I'll take a sandwich named after me...which honestly I've always kind of wanted...
Anyway, I wish that I could say that between last night and this afternoon things magically changed and I'm super happy and in blissful engaged mode. Truthfully? I'm not sure I even want to deal with a wedding. Either is Jeff and that isn't fair at all. Because we WANT that day more than anything. And not just for us. We want it for everybody else. I want Jeff to see me at the end of the aisle, walking towards him. I want my dad to lift the veil and shake Jeff's hand. I want my grandfather to get to see his first grandchild get married (and the rest of them too....). But we can't have all of that if we can't have the assurance that the day is about Jeff and I. And then everybody else.
Aren't weddings all about celebrating the fact that two people are choosing to live with and for one another for the rest of their lives? How does it come down to fights over who wears the same dress?
Let me say this: I understand that a wedding is a stressful event. And it's not just stressful for that one day. This is a HUGE lifetime change. And frankly, I mean...I really only want to plan one of these things. I kinda really love Jeff. So I understand why emotions run high during this time of change. I also understand that everybody involved has a life...and it doesn't revolve around this wedding.
But there's a whole lot more that I don't understand. I got some great advice from a family member last night. And Jeff this morning. Both came down to keeping myself happy and not letting others get in my way. But Jeff said something that I've been thinking about all day.
You can't fix what you didn't break.
This has stuck with me for a few reasons....one....things are broken right now. Irrevocably. And I am a fixer. Which is a new thing...I have always been a people pleaser...but before I was one who did so begrudgingly. And kept a record of everything I did that I didn't want to. Things that I did to make others happy. I realized that living life making other people happy was making me miserable. So I stopped. And I've never been happier. It was a bumpy road. And it took a long time to navigate who I was without being a doormat. And once I stopped being a "yes" girl...I was angry. I lived angry for months. That didn't really suit me either. I'm not an angry person. It eats at me...it makes me uneasy...I get physically ill carrying anger around. Like I have been today.
So what now? I am really torn. Like I said...I am fully aware that ALL of the people involved are under all their day to day stresses and the addition of a wedding sucks. I know that...cause...well...as the bride I kinda get all the shit thrown at me. I honestly understand the show Bridezillas now. Really. I do. Which scares me cause I soooooooooooo don't want that drama attached to our wedding day. I want it to be about us. And if that makes me a bridezilla then I'll take the moniker.
As far as nice things? I guess...living in the brokenness. Sometimes you have to. Because not everything can be, or should be, fixed.
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