Looking Up

Mood:  it's not a dream anymore, it's worth fighting for...

So it's almost July.  Weird.  Jeff and I survived 3 months.  I feel pretty confident we'll survive a bazillion more months (if that's mathematically and physically possible that is).  As I was driving into work this morning I was staring at the lake (and watching the road) and I realized that it's been nearly a year since I started this blog.  It's absolutely insane how much this blog has changed, how much I have changed, and how much my life has changed.  I haven't read the whole blog from start to where it is now yet...but I have read since about January on.  That much alone is crazy.  

I'm engaged.  I'm going to be a (step)mother.  I have my own place and am looking for one with the future husband.  I've separated from my family enough to start my own.  That part is still being worked on...the balance between separation and complete detachment.  It's a fine line to walk and since this is the first time the family's had to deal with it...it's messy.  And painful.  And it sucks.

One thing, though, that hasn't changed is my addiction with A&E and all it's "real life. drama." because I clearly can't get enough of my own real life drama...

I've been obsessed with Intervention for some time now.  Years.  And while I don't have cable thus don't watch it all the time...I've been known to spend weeks watching it online.  Now it's Hoarders.  I can't get enough of the show.  The really scary thing?  I sooooooooooo get the mentality.  Let me say that the episodes with food or animal hoarding...that is beyond me.  And when there are kids involved I feel physically ill.  But the first few episodes of the first season were primarily about stuff.  Wanting, needing, getting, and keeping stuff.  I get that mentality.  If I surround myself with all this shit...nothing else can get in.  Nothing else matters.  People can't hurt me if they can't get to me.  And I mean...physically get to me.  The thing is...I've never been a super neat person.  I'm organized at work...but the office is in a state of controlled chaos.  I know where things are...but to other people it's a mess.

My apartment was clean for a while.  Right around my birthday.  I did an overhaul.  Donated all kinds of stuff...finally had Caitlyn around to go through stuff she left behind.  But that was also when Jeff and I were first dating.  Since then...the whirlwind romance has had a tornado like effect on the apartment.  I've been there for MAYBE 5 nights total in June.  Maybe 6 including last night.  Between going to PA, being with the fiance and his son, and a brief stay at the grandparents for laundry purposes...I just haven't been there.  So it looks...uh...let's just say it could be on an episode of This Person May  Become a Hoarder if that show existed.  But nobody wants to see that.  Just the shit piled up to the ceiling...and it's not there.  Yet.  Not even to my head.  Or shoulders.  I feel like that's NOT something to brag about.

As I drove past that lake, and then watched another episode of Hoarders and thought about all that's happened this past year...these past few months...I realized that of course I'm watching and obsessed with the idea of hoarding.  My "old" life isn't over...it's just transitioning into this "new" life.  And that WILL mean leaving the apartment behind which sadly for me means a TON of work and getting rid of all kinds of shit that for some reason I hold on to.

But it's not just the apartment.  Or cleaning my car.  It's losing weight all of a sudden (I'm counting calories every meal...thanks iphone apps!).  Moving forward with another person.  Figuring out new ways to be family and friends since the relationship dynamics changed.  I'm clearing out the junk...and making space for the old life to fit into the new one.  While I still think it would be easier to bulldoze the apartment...and some parts of my old life in general...I can't.  I've never done things the easy way.  Ever.  I like making things harder for myself.  This time it's not about making things more complicated just for fun...it's just that starting a new family and changing major parts of my identifying personality...that can't be done easily.  It's a hard process.  Will it all be done before the wedding (81 days!!!!!)?  Who knows.  But I certainly hope so.

There are a lot of things in my life that I don't have control over.  Other people would be one.  But I can control the apartment.  And my health.  I think I'm finally through trying to keep people out of my life.  I'm getting rid of the physical blocks...and the emotional ones have been crumbling.  I hope that I can take this attitude into my "new" family and be the woman I've always wanted to be...and know that I am inside.  

I Fly Solo

Mood:  red cup


Sup?  It's been a few days.  This week has been, for lack of a better word...intense.  Due to weather related issues (and a paranoid but well meaning) grandmother...today is the first day I have been at my apartment since Sunday.   


Work this week has been...challenging...to say the least.  I've had more mini crises of faith in the past 4 days than I ever have in my life.  And I've been through 2 years of seminary!  So....I picked up a book by Bart Ehrman (highly recommend this author if you've never read him).  God's Problem:  How the Bible Fails to Answer our Most Important Question - Why We Suffer which is aimed at pointing out how faith can indeed leave you hanging sometimes.  How God and the Bible and religion in general can leave you feeling alone and exposed and hurting.  

As I drove to Early today...heading towards my apartment...I was freaking out.  I haven't had a panic attack in probably 3 weeks or so.  But when I woke up this morning one felt imminent.  So, I adjusted my work schedule and with Caitlyn on the phone, I decided to face the anxiety head on.  I have never felt that kind of anxiety regarding my apartment.  Sure...coming home from PA in January was sad without Caitlyn...but it wasn't a reason to panic.  This morning though...something kind of snapped in me.  And I realized that for the past few days I've been surrounded by people constantly.  While I'm not alone often...I usually do get my "me" time in the morning and evening before and after work.  But with the weather and family...well there was no "me" time this week.

I guess being around somebody 24/7 again and then...very suddenly being not around anybody...reinforced how alone I am sometimes.  And it sincerely freaked me out.

But I came home.  Put away the dishes that had been left drying from Sunday morning and did some closet cleaning.  Texted with friends and fam.  Watched some glee....and had a random need to listen to this song:

I haven't listened to this song since Cait lived here and we had random late night insomnia induced dance parties in the bedroom.  Instead of making me sad and homesick...it made me happy.  Yeah...I live alone...but that in no way means that I am alone.  

So today my nice thing was to take ownership of me.  To remind myself that I'm not alone even when I'm alone.  To read something affirming, funny, and thought provoking...and also Cosmo...and to paint my nails...do a face mask.  Make an awesome dinner and indulge in some pretty sweet single activities.  

 

Enter Sandman

Mood:  tired, anxious, scared, triumphant



Why is it that our biggest accomplishments and proudest moments can be taken away by the smallest of insecurities?  When do we start to allow ourselves to take pride in achievements, no matter how small?  Honestly, does that ever start to happen?


Today was certainly not the first time I've flown by myself.  It was, however, the first time that I've come home by myself.  To an empty apartment.  To a cold environment (not just the weather) and to a place where I really still feel as though I have nobody.  

But I did it.  And I made it onto the plane(s) and in the car...and I didn't look back.  And once I got home I set to doing things to make me feel better about being here.  There is about 900 hours of cleaning ahead of me...but I at least got some of the most egregious messes picked up.  And I made the bed....super pretty.  Because, I know I'll need a good night of sleep.  I've been up since 3 (2am Iowa time) and traveling all day.  I haven't been sleeping on vacation...and frankly, I'm terrified....so if having the bed look a little prettier will help me sleep then I'll try it.


I put up some magnets my mom and I picked out.  I started collecting dirty clothes.  And I put away shoes that didn't have a home before.  For having been home for only 2 hours I've been incredibly productive...but it's mainly out of self preservation.  If I don't keep going...then I stop and remember that I'm alone.  

And that's scary.  


But...I'll keep going one day at a time until I don't define myself as alone....but independent.  And damn proud of it.  And luckily, I have faith that with the right people in my corner...that WILL happen.


For now I'm going to continue my cleaning binge until I can no longer stand...and hopefully....tonight I'll get some rest.  And peace.  And assurance that I've done the right thing.