I've had two really rough weeks in a row. Hence the lack of blogging. Vacation Bible School ran from June 6-10 and was....church craziness at it's finest. 125 kids, 5 days, myself and 1 other volunteer....I was dead at the end of that week. So the fiance and I were super stoked to have the next week be a 2 day work week and a visit home to PA.
That week? I'd rather take an entire year of VBS's in a row than relive last week.
There were definitely some positive things that came out of the trip....check out this AMAZING work by an extremely talented high school friend:
http://www.tinajayphotography.com/blog/2011/06/rose-gardens-allentown-engagement-photographer/
Here's a little taste of what's in there:
Seriously....check it out....I've never seen myself look that happy. Which is awesome cause it's a genuine reflection of how I feel inside.
Or how I felt inside. The thing about going home is that...well...here's a quote from Garden State that I've used before. And will most likely use a million times again. Zach Braff is a genius (and a super nice guy in case I forgot to share with my dear readers that I met him!!!! But that story is for another day...). Anyway...the basic plot of the movie is about a man who goes home for his mother's funeral. He hasn't been home in years. It's a tense family relationship to say the least. And he meets a girl while at his therapist's office that...changes the way he looks at home and life...and he changes her view as well. But he describes his anxiety and troubles with home so eloquently here:
You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone....You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
I've felt that way for years. Probably since college. But even though I felt like I had a place to put my stuff....I also had a family to go back to.
After this visit? I feel like a complete stranger in my own childhood home. And I'm watching some of my family become complete strangers to me which is perhaps the most painful thing I've encountered thus far in my life.
Zach Braff's always clever character says right in the quote that you create a new idea of home for yourself...and I'm certainly doing that. I laid in bed this morning for nearly 45 minutes with Jeff, his son, and Yoda all curled up...Malcolm talking nonsense to Daddy first thing in the morning...and Daddy and I trying to decipher it. And it felt exactly like what home should feel like. That warm feeling...the feeling that if you loved that moment anymore your heart would break.
When Jeff went to work this afternoon...and took Malcolm back to his mom for the week...my heart did break. I don't know how it happened....but I've completely lost my home. An engagement is supposed to be a happy time. And judging by the photos on Tina's blog...it certainly has some incredible moments. Yet I can't shake the anxiety that's not wedding related. Or the judgement of those who feel I'm choosing someone or something OVER someone or something else.
This blog is about doing things that make me happy. On a daily basis. Today? I played a lot of Fruit Ninja on my phone. And I slept. Beyond that...in the last 3 months I've made some major life decisions that make me happier than I've ever been. And if complete strangers, random acquaintances and friends I haven't seen in YEARS can see that on my face, I have to wonder why those closest to me can't. For me...it's not a matter of this versus that...it's navigating through new relationships and dynamics. New ideas of home and places that can be visited and have a welcoming feel.
I suppose my nice thing for today was really just blogging. Attempting to make sense of the chaos that is my brain. Trying to figure out what I've done that warranted the pain of last week while knowing that no matter what happens...I'll be okay. I've had a song in my head since leaving PA...one of my favorite artists. The video is nothing except the album cover art. The title of the album? We Were Here...go figure that's what's on my mind.
I'm going to head upstairs to make dinner for the man that I plan on cooking with for the rest of my life. And I'm going to cry. And keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward...cause that's all I can do.
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