To My Son Before Kindergarten

 Mood:  nostalgic, hopeful


Malcolm,


I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for your school journey to officially begin, nor could I ever hope to have words that express my admiration for you as a person. You are so smart, so compassionate and empathetic, you have energy for days and you share your father and my passion for reading. I do not worry about how you will do at school, for I know you will shine. I do not worry that you will make friends, you have personality for days.

I do not worry about you in Kindergarten. I worry that I am not worthy to share this journey with you. On the days when I have spent all day writing and am short with you, I know I do you an injustice. It is my sincere wish that I learn a bit more patience and that I am always as delighted to hear your stories as you are to tell them.

I do not worry about you in Kindergarten. I worry that I am not going to be able to let you go. I cannot tell you, and will probably never find the words to do so, how much I have cherished every day that you and I have spent together for the last 3 years. Staying at home with you has taught me so much about myself and what it really means to be a mother. I will never be able to thank you enough for the lessons you have taught me and I hope that I have passed on a few of my own to you.

I do not worry about you in Kindergarten. I know that you are going to excel this year just as you did last year. Your father and I are more proud of you just for existing than we could ever begin to convey to you. Know that on nights when our tempers or short or we are too exhausted to get up and run around playing "Transformers" with you, our love and pride for and in you has not diminished. There is NOTHING that you cannot do. Boy, you'll move mountains. And I'll be behind you the whole time watching with tears in my eyes and marveling at my deep love and profound respect for you. At 5 years old you are nothing short of a miracle.

You are one of my reasons for living. You make me want to be a better wife, mother and person overall. You remind me daily that nothing can be taken too seriously and that there is always something to wonder at.

Never lose that.

I am so, so proud of you and I am beyond excited for your new journey into school. Your father and I are behind your every step cheering you on, wiping your tears and testing you on new challenges. We love you. We are proud of you. Good luck and have fun!

Mom

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Mood:  but if you try sometimes...you just might find...you get what you need




So...two days in a row?  I want some kind of award.  Not a cookie...I have a dress to look good in.  But perhaps a monument.  Or a medal.  Hell I'll take a sandwich named after me...which honestly I've always kind of wanted...


Anyway, I wish that I could say that between last night and this afternoon things magically changed and I'm super happy and in blissful engaged mode.  Truthfully?  I'm not sure I even want to deal with a wedding.  Either is Jeff and that isn't fair at all.  Because we WANT that day more than anything.  And not just for us.  We want it for everybody else.  I want Jeff to see me at the end of the aisle, walking towards him.  I want my dad to lift the veil and shake Jeff's hand.  I want my grandfather to get to see his first grandchild get married (and the rest of them too....).  But we can't have all of that if we can't have the assurance that the day is about Jeff and I.  And then everybody else.


Aren't weddings all about celebrating the fact that two people are choosing to live with and for one another for the rest of their lives?  How does it come down to fights over who wears the same dress? 


Let me say this:  I understand that a wedding is a stressful event.  And it's not just stressful for that one day.  This is a HUGE lifetime change.  And frankly, I mean...I really only want to plan one of these things.  I kinda really love Jeff.  So I understand why emotions run high during this time of change.  I also understand that everybody involved has a life...and it doesn't revolve around this wedding.  


But there's a whole lot more that I don't understand.  I got some great advice from a family member last night.  And Jeff this morning.  Both came down to keeping myself happy and not letting others get in my way.  But Jeff said something that I've been thinking about all day.  

You can't fix what you didn't break.

This has stuck with me for a few reasons....one....things are broken right now.  Irrevocably.  And I am a fixer.  Which is a new thing...I have always been a people pleaser...but before I was one who did so begrudgingly.  And kept a record of everything I did that I didn't want to. Things that I did to make others happy.  I realized that living life making other people happy was making me miserable.  So I stopped.  And I've never been happier.  It was a bumpy road.  And it took a long time to navigate who I was without being a doormat.  And once I stopped being a "yes" girl...I was angry.  I lived angry for months.  That didn't really suit me either.  I'm not an angry person.  It eats at me...it makes me uneasy...I get physically ill carrying anger around.  Like I have been today.


So what now?  I am really torn.  Like I said...I am fully aware that ALL of the people involved are under all their day to day stresses and the addition of a wedding sucks.  I know that...cause...well...as the bride I kinda get all the shit thrown at me.  I honestly understand the show Bridezillas now.  Really.  I do.  Which scares me cause I soooooooooooo don't want that drama attached to our wedding day.  I want it to be about us.  And if that makes me a bridezilla then I'll take the moniker.  


As far as nice things?  I guess...living in the brokenness.  Sometimes you have to.  Because not everything can be, or should be, fixed.  

Night Hiking

Mood:  healthier, lonely, ready for the week ahead (i hope....)

You know, I've never understood Sunday being the day of rest...when...for those that work in the church...it tends to be a day of little to no rest.  That being said, since I truly love working in a church, it's not the most unrestful event...but it's also...slightly stressful.  Any work is.  And then there's the societal tendency to make Sunday the day of ALL unfinished business from cleaning to yardwork to car repairs...so when you work in a church AND try to do unfinished business....if you're me you end up taking a nap all afternoon then heading back to the church.

So Caitlyn and I made a pact that every single day this week we will spend at least 20 minutes cleaning/organizing/repairing so that there's less to do on Sundays.  

Beyond that this evening's Sr. High youth event was a "Halloween Night Hike."  Sounds scary...it wasn't.  It's actually a conservation walk...and it was pretty cute, I have to admit.  One of the things that I miss the MOST about being home in the fall is the foliage.  Of course the leaves change here, and it's gorgeous...it's just...the mountains at home the entire landscape of reds and oranges and yellows and browns and golds.  So tonight, on the hike I started to actually pay attention to the woods we were walking.  Not just hurrying up to get done...but looking, feeling, absorbing.  And it was wonderful.

Okay so mostly tree branches.  But I focused on the leaves instead.

The further  into the woods we got...the denser the trees.  And the orangier as well.  Near the middle of our walk the moon was out.

The view of the moon is what made me miss home the most...but at the same time...comforted me the most.  Oddly enough thanks to David Spade.  If you've seen Joe Dirt then you might remember how Joe (Spade) talks about missing people and looking up at the moon KNOWING that the people he misses are looking at the same moon.  And that comforts him.  And tonight...I let myself be comforted by that.

To really let your surroundings affect you...to simply take some nature in....and to take a brisk walk...some days there is nothing nicer that can be done.