So the fiance has been on me (HA) about not blogging. As a writer himself, he understands the importance of words and getting them out. Spoken words are great and all...but for me...it's more about seeing the written words on a computer screen, or journal page...reading them. Sometimes I'm not completely aware of how I was feeling until I write something that forces me to look at it. It's not always comfortable to read your own work...but sometimes it's necessary.
Last night, after I blogged, I reread the entire month of August from last year. I knew this blog was nearly a year old...but I couldn't remember when I actually started it. And while I knew that it was coming out of the worst depression I've ever experienced that helped spur me to write it...I couldn't remember if there was anything else. The idea of better. I think that came from the very physical sense of how much better I was feeling at that time. Last year in August I started to want to wake up again. Not just tolerate the idea of getting up each morning...but wanting to. Getting excited about small and little things every single day gave me a reason to get out of bed.
I read where I was last year...and thought all night of where I am today. 12 months ago if you had told me I would be 45 days away from my own wedding to the most adorably nerdy man ever, and added that I'd also be a mommy on top of that...I probably would have either laughed or cried at how mean of a joke that was.
The thing is...that IS where I am today. It's 45 (YIKES) days until the wedding. The nerd I love couldn't be more perfect for me. His son? I can't even describe how happy I feel just watching him simply exist. It's a crazy...but wonderfully content...feeling that I haven't felt before.
Nice...better...whatever the reason I started this blog...I know it's affected change. I'd like to think not only with me though. I can't be positive on that...but I can attest to the fact that changing the way I think about and look at things...well...it's gotten me to today. Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. I still live 2.5 hours from the fiance, we're both still hunting jobs (UGH), we have soooooooooooo much to do for the wedding it's unreal....but I still couldn't ask for anything better than what I've got right this second. So I'm going to keep doing those small, simple things for myself everyday. Today, though, I think it involves buying new jeans as I just got a sweet coupon...and I have one pair that I actually LIKE wearing.
But even if I can't bring myself to buy jeans....or endure the torture that is trying on jeans (am I right ladies?)...I can do something even smaller...like paint my nails. Or continue reading a book I started last night...or have a conversation with the future husband. One positive change and decision starts another...it's like the annoying Nutrigrain commercial. But it's true.
Nobody can just wish themselves happy one second. But everybody can make the decision to live a happier, healthier, better life by making decisions that will bring that change about. Make one today.
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