Ashley Getting Married

Mood:  anxious, excited, scared, hopeful




....and the list continues.  The wedding is 40 days away!  Yikes!  There is sooooooooooooo much left to be done that it's insane.  But while the wedding has me stressed, it's nothing that isn't manageable.  It's more the career that has me freaking out.  It took me quite some time to pinpoint what was going on with me today...but I managed to do so.


When I feel something just isn't right and I have a ton of things on my mind...I turn to writing.  If I know what's going on...I blog.  If I'm completely at a loss...I write in my journal.  Today was definitely a journal before blogging day.  I am the type of person that always has a million and one things running through my head at any given time.  That's always really fun when trying to fall asleep.  With the wedding added to the head...it's mass chaos in there.  Honestly. So as I drove from Ankeny to Storm Lake today, freaking out, I thought.  A lot.  About why I was freaking out. 


So when I got into my office...it was all business.  Answering e-mails, scheduling meetings, taking phone calls.  And then the journal.  As I wrote I listed all of the things that were scaring me.  The list includes, but is by no means limited to:


- the cornfields are getting seriously high (and yes...that really does freak me out!)
- the wedding is 40 days away and there are so many unfinished things
- my shoulder has been hurting now for over a week with seemingly no cause
- I'm panicking that I'm getting more and more anxious than I have been in a long time
- there is no longer a sense of satisfaction in my career


The thing that was noticeably absent from the list?  Getting married.  Yes, the wedding is on it.  But that is all about the details of the actual event.   I forgot to call the caterer today (AGAIN).  I still haven't picked out my flowers, the dress might need more alteration, who is cutting the cake, at what time do we do our first dance?  Those kinds of things.  Literally the details.  And I know that sometimes this blog is about the details, and it's always been about the little things...but today's nice and better thing comes from something really huge.


I sat there writing about how I was so NOT scared about getting married.  Then the over analyzer in me kicked in and I started wondering whether or not I was supposed to be scared that I wasn't scared.  When I finally got myself to shut up long enough to listen to myself (honestly...the head...it's like...a crazy crowded waiting room with 900 conversations going at one time) I allowed myself to be unscared.  To be perfectly content that I am perfectly content in getting married.  In being married.  In starting a life with somebody else.  That is a HUGE thing.  


So as I finished writing in the journal, and as I finish this blog...I've come to realize what IS bugging me.  It has to do with career and uncertainty.  But what isn't freaking me out is far more important to me.  And far more important to life, if you ask me.  Yes you need money...and I would be unhappy not working, but a life without love...I'll pass.  So while I'll have to live for now with a fair amount of unknowns about my future, the one thing I DO know...without a single hesitation or pause...is that I couldn't be happier, or more excited to be marrying Jeff in 40 days (actually 39 days and 3 hours...but who's counting?).  


And it was an entire year of noticing the details and the small things, and taking joy in them...taking risks...that has gotten me to this point today.  


And writing it all down?  I feel better...and that's what this is all about...