100th Post (or...Lonely Day)

Mood:  I could tell from the minute I woke up....




...It was going to be a lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely day.  


That song was actually in my head this morning when I woke up.  Appropriately so, as it was and continues to be an incredibly lonely day.  I am currently in my apartment....150 miles away from the fiance....and will not see him until the 17th of July.   Which I know could be worse...but I'm about to be put to a severe test....a mission trip.  With senior high.  And parents who it seems aren't that fond of me.  Actually I learned today that it seems a whole lot of people aren't fond of me.  But that's for another post.


My nice thing for today?  Blogging this 100th post...and that's three days in a row!  I definitely deserve a sandwich now (see earlier posts for reference).  Writing makes me feel better.  About myself.  About my situation.  There's something about getting things outside of myself that just helps.  Especially on days like today where everything just felt...lonely.  


I've quoted this Scrubs episode a million times and I'll do it a million more:

"because nothing sucks more than feeling completely alone, even when you're surrounded by people"

The thing that sucked the most about today?  Even the talking with Jeff felt lonely.  I know I'm not going to see him until at least the 17th, and there's a possibility it may not be till the 21st.  So while I didn't feel ALONE today....everything just felt LONELY.  And I hate that feeling.  I really do.  I'm not the most extroverted person in the world, nor do I always feel the need to be surrounded by people.  In fact, I really like ME time.  I like having nobody around (except for Jeff which is a feeling that is so foreign to me) so I can do a face mask or give myself a mani and space out to Bravo crappy tv shows.  


It seems to me that there is a profound difference in being lonely and alone (or having ME time).  And it seems that when I'm overwhelmed, stressed, scared, and just generally tired...I get to this lonely place.  Which...if I stay in for too long...becomes paralyzing.  And I haven't felt like this since I met Jeff.  It's a completely new sort of lonely.  It sucks still though.


I suppose, for the time being...all I can do is get through this next week.  In 7 days...at this time...I'll have finished at day at Six Flags and be preparing to come home from a week of service, fellowship, and hopefully fun.  


I hope the lonely feeling goes away.  But if it doesn't...I'll just keep reminding myself that I may feel lonely but I am NEVER alone.  Also....DEFINITELY check out the song....it's a good one.  And who doesn't love a Schwartzman brother?  I know I do...(And no Jeff, it's not at all Jonasy......)

Compliment Sandwich

Mood:  something good, something bad, something good


I was not looking forward to today.  I'll be honest...I'm not looking forward to pretty much the next 10 days straight.  Except for next Friday when I get to hang out at Six Flags with the kids all day.  That will be pretty epic.  Unless of course, since I'm the "old" leader, I get to ride all the rides stag or with a random stranger.  That would be un-epic. 

The next 10 days consists of the Sr. High mission trip.  I've only been on one mission trip before in my entire 27 years.  And I've certainly never been responsible for one.  The planning, the organizing, the fundraising, the recruiting, the packing (and let me just say it's hard enough for me to pack for myself let alone with 10 kids in mind....).  It's been an overwhelming and lonely process from the start.  And spending this long away from the fiance....I know you're probably gagging....but honestly?  I'm pretty freaked out about it.  I know that I'll end up learning a ton.  And there is bound to be some pretty great memories given this group of kids.

It's just...as I sat in my office today...I started to hate my office.  My job.  My work.  Everything about where I physically was.  I hated it.  Then one of my kids came into my office.  He's on break from working at the Presbyterian camp for the summer.  He came bearing presents (even though he KNOWS I'm trying to count calories for the wedding dress....and honeymoon)...

We did not eat them all...nor even half.  As I have a weakness for anything pink...that was by far the favorite.  Name = Pink Princess.  White chocolate....strawberry.  Pink white chocolate curls and, you can't tell, but edible glitter.  Uh....made for me and I soooooooooo loved it. 

Anyway.  It's this kind of thing...not the presents really...it's more the kids stopping in randomly that reminds me why I do my job.  That remind me why I LOVE my job.  I don't do it because I love being Presbyterian (I'm not and I would dislike it very much...waaaaaaaaaaaay too many rules for Ashley).  I don't do it because this church is so amazingly awesome that I just can't not be there.  I certainly don't do it for the money. 

I do it for the youth.  For the younger kids who are looking at who they may want to be...and beyond that who they CAN be.  For the middle school/junior high kids that are trying so hard to fit in in that not a kid/not an adult stage.  For the senior high that needs a place free from judgment, where they can be heard and still loved.  And where they can look at the next step with somebody that can hold their hand objectively, tenderly, and willingly.  THAT is why I do my job.  THAT is why I want to continue to do this work.

So, can I handle 10 days straight?  I suppose we'll find out.  I do know this much...I can do nearly anything I put my mind to.  I've been told this since I was a little kid, and some days I believe it.  Jeff....watching me come completely undone as I prepare for this trip...reminds me constantly that I'll get through it...and I'll rock it.  I may not rock it...but I feel completely positive that I will survive.  I'll get through it.  And when I get back....Harry Potter.  Which Jeff has promised to catch up on (uhhhh....that means watching all 7....) and then take me to the day I return.  


My nice thing for today?  Remembering that sometimes, it's not what we think we can do...but what others KNOW we can.  When we get overwhelmed...sometimes we need to let people tell us that we CAN and WILL do great things.  Because if they believe it...why shouldn't we?  And thinking positively doesn't only not hurt...but it can change the course of your entire life.  My ring and subsequent engagement is tangible proof.  

I'd Send a Postcard to you Dear.....

Mood: vanilla twilight

Today was the first day of Sunday School. If you follow this blog, you know that's a HUGE part of my job...implementing an educational program. The church hasn't had anything formal for nearly 2 years.

So this morning, I was freaking out. About everything. About Sunday School, about work on Monday. About romance. About children and my lack of. About my messy apartment (I'm working on it a little each day). About how I've stressed so much that I'm physically sick AGAIN. About missing family. About my debt. About missing Caitlyn. About moving back here. About long distances.

What all the worry amounted to is simply that I'm sick. Sunday School went beautifully. The kids were open, the teachers were amazing, and I couldn't have been any happier. I even worked after Sunday School and the service....like REALLY worked. Because, seeing those kids made me realize that even if this isn't a long term thing, or I don't send the rest of my life in Iowa...I made the right decision for me...right now.

Which put me at ease. And I even treated myself to some lo mein for lunch...and dinner. Along with the 4 liters of OJ I've consumed today (I can't stop thinking of Juno except, I drank Simply Orange not Sunny D).

And as I've been in and out of consciousness for the last 7 hours or so, I've awoken to a few random things. An SNL skit....if you're friends with me on fb...it's on my page. And I woke up with this burning need to listen to the song below. I woke up needing this song, I thought for one reason. For a person in Ireland whom I miss dearly. I thought I would listen and somehow feel closer...but my nice thing turned out to backlash on me for a few minutes.

I've never actually seen the video...just really love the song. And as I watched it, I not only felt even FARTHER from the person I miss...but I realized that I missed Caitlyn. A lot. There's a lyric:

The silence isn't so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad. Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly. I'll find repose in new ways though I haven't slept in 2 days cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist deep in thought cause when I think of you I don't feel so alone.

I know it's an odd response to think of my sister during that song. But all I could think about as I listened to this part in particular were the nights that she played this for me, holding my hand as I cried and felt lonely. And tonight....as I cried I had nobody there to hold my hand.

Which at first was terrifying, and lonely. And as I type, tears are quite literally streaming down my face. We're talking the kind that slip into your lips, that drip off your chin.

But that's my nice thing. To grieve. And to realize that I need to at some point, because things have and will continue to change. That's just part of growing up. And while I thought what I was missing today was romance and my lack thereof and my Ireland....what I was really missing was something I'm just damn lucky to have to miss. An amazing sister who I can honestly call my best friend.

And as I know she reads this, know that I love you. And that I am so proud that you did what was right for you. And I did what was right for me. And together...even if we're apart...we'll grow up.  And I love you.

Sometimes nice things aren't pretty.  Sometimes they're messy and tear stained and painful....but you can't get anywhere until you acknowledge where you've been, where you are, and where you want to go.  So I'll cry.  And remember I'm not truly alone.  And I'll think of Ireland and my sister.  And my brother.  And the dogs and my parents.  And all the people who support me silently.  And I'll remember that sometimes being kind to myself, is allowing myself to hurt. 

Battle of the Body

Mood:  indescribable

It has been 4 days since my last blog.  I feel like I just entered a confessional. But in all honesty...it has.  I've been working, sleeping, not sleeping, not working, cleaning, not cleaning...just kind of drifting through the past couple of days.

There are major changes about to happen in my life...and when the time is right this blog will reveal that. But right now, as nothing is 100% set...I'll keep it to...major things.  And I've been trying to find a way to cope with change cause, I'll be honest I freaking hate it.  I hate everything about it.  The uncomfortable way it just embraces you and clings to you and keeps this horrible death grip on you while you try to cling desperately to whatever "was."  And I mean...I get this upset about change when it comes to a new lip gloss sometimes...so this news is really freaking me out.

So I've been trying to be ultra nice with myself.  To be sensitive and attentive to what my body tells me I need to be doing.  My body...sucks.  Apparently no part of me knows what to do at the moment.  My head says one thing, my heart says another, my gut says something else...and my feet are usually telling me they're cold.  And all that leaves me with is a constant need for warmer socks and a horrible feeling of complete emptiness.  When every single part of you is at battle with you...how do you get out alive?  

I assure you I don't know the answer to that.  Nor do I know if I ever will.  All I know is that my nice things...will no be reduced to...allowing myself to cry.  Getting out of bed...and maybe even finally putting this apartment into working order so it's not just someplace I happen to sleep.  Honestly...the nicest thing I'm doing for myself right now...is to take the pressure of trying to be nice off of myself for once...and allowing myself to hurt...even if I hate that feeling.  I've professed to believe that everything happens for a reason...so maybe I should put that to use here and God willing...this too shall pass.  And I'll come out on the other side...stronger...and maybe even feeling a little nicer.

Coming Home

Mood: homesick, lonely, nostalgic, sad

I have a meeting for work (with the committee that I answer to) in roughly 30 minutes.  I have been at work since around 1 and I'm tired.  I'm homesick.  And being in a church makes me even more homesick.  And oddly enough, I find the closer I get to meeting time the more homesick I get.  Not that I don't want to attend (although a night of doing nothing would be nice...) or that I feel a need to escape or anything...it's just...it reminds me of the feeling I would get after being with mom.  After a long day in her office (distracting her from work) there was always this weird anticipatory feeling as she would prepare to go to meetings.  This "my work is almost done/I'm going home" feeling...and I have that same feeling tonight.  Only heightened.  

The thing is...I AM going to a meeting then going home.  But I still think of home as mom and dad's house in Emmaus.  So when I think I'm "going home"  I'm preparing myself for a houseful of dogs and stocked full of food and mom and dad and cable.  Thing is...my home isn't there anymore.  It's in Iowa.  And it's empty of food...without cable...and has only one (but with her you don't need another) dog.  It's not that I don't like where I live...it's just that I haven't adjusted to "home" being my place instead of where mom and dad are.  Does this ever happen?  Or is "home" always that abstract feeling that you get when you long for your childhood, simpler days, and hugs that only parents can give?  I don't know.  I'm not sure I want to.  I certainly don't want to lose all the feelings that come with home (even the bad ones).

I think the whole idea of "home" started this morning when one of the first songs I heard upon waking up was an Owl City song.  "If my heart was a house you'd already be home."  I started to think of the people in my life that are at home in my heart, though it isn't a brick and mortar house (which is incidentally a good thing for my circulatory system).  And today...I loved every single one of them.  A lot.  Which felt good.  And in addition to that...I'm going to start anticipating going to my own apartment...not just Christmas day when I get on a plane and go to mom and dad's.  I'm going to try and think of home as abstract not concrete.  Perhaps that will help ease the loneliness and longing....

(I took this picture literally seconds before leaving for Iowa....it's my "home." )

Doodling for Jesus?

Mood:  Anxious for no particular reason.  Slightly lonely.  Intensely hopeful. 

I've always been a doodler.  I have notes from high school and college to prove it.  Sometimes, these doodles were merely abstract shapes.  Sometimes climbing vines of sorts.  And of course, the obligatory crush's name.  If I was taking notes during a lecture or while reading, I was doodling.  It was relaxing, and contrary to popular belief it actually helped me engage MORE in what I was reading or hearing because it allowed me to block out other distractions.

Anyway, I decided that my "better" thing for today would be to read a book on prayer that my mom had sent to me.  "Praying in Color" is phenomenal.  I highly recommend the book (which I haven't finished yet...) to anyone.  Faithful, faithless, artist, businessperson...this book is incredible.  And imagine my surprise when I learned there were other people who channeled energy into doodling.  Which lead them to greater understand.  And then apply that doodling to prayer...and a better relationship and understanding of sacred.  Et viola!  My thing for today become not only a wonderful read, but a colorful "family" prayer.  

The coloring was followed by a need to play more creatively today, and so I did Caitlyn's makeup as well as my own.  And the results are below.

I think (hope) that Cait had a good day around me.  And maybe some people at work got my good vibes too...don't know.  Probably never will.  Till next time I'll keep doodling my prayers and maybe one day when I look at my doodles I'll realize that they're an exact reflection of the world around me.  Amen.