Crazier...

Mood:  ...you lift my feet off the ground, and spin me around....




Honestly, where is the time going?  I can't believe that it's been 2 weeks since I last blogged.  Every time I type that "it's been" sentence, I feel like I'm entering confession.  Fun story, could have this weekend at the Religious Arts Museum that Jeff and I stopped at in Logan on our way home from Omaha...but there was no priest to absolve my sins.  Anyway.  


Jeff and I just spent the longest amount of time together that we EVER have as a couple.  Second fun story of the blog, we're getting married in just over 3 months....and we JUST spent a full 4 days together.  Counting Thursday night and tonight....it's 6 days...but those are just hanging out and playing Wii nights.  This marriage is insane, right?  I'm of the belief that it is.  The fiance completely agrees.  The really awesome thing about this being crazy though, is how okay we both are with it.


I just wasted a good hour or so on Facebook checking in on people who came up in my newsfeed that I haven't thought of or heard from in a long time.  Some in....since high school really.  One thing I'm really, REALLY good at...torturing myself.  I used to sit and stare at wedding pictures, baby pictures, hell graduation pics (since I left grad school sans the actual masters.....) and stare for hours wondering what I had done to screw my life up so badly.  I mean...on my BEST days I could make myself feel like the most worthless person for not being married, or having children, or being able to put on a stole and bless communion elements.  


The really awesome thing about meeting Jeff?  The "mistakes" and the "should have" moments have pretty much disappeared.  Of course I see a baby and swoon a little...but that IS in the picture (at some point in the future that is) for me now.  It's so damn easy to be a critic of oneself...when what one really needs is a cheerleader.  And can I just say...I have found the best damn cheerleader in the world.  He would look...kinda ridiculous in the traditional uniform...but his metaphorical pom poms kick ass.


I said that both Jeff and I are okay with the amount of insanity that is going from meeting to marrying in 6 months.  That's been a truth the whole time.  What I learned this weekend, though, is that Jeff is apparently also okay with the amount of insanity that is ME.  And I am.  Crazy.  I'm impatient and silly.  I suck at making decisions, and I sing ALMOST constantly....which I managed to hide for some time now...but he's okay with it.  And...beyond okay...he can play Wii without wanting to strangle me, and laugh at my screeching in the car as "singing" to Journey.  


This weekend I learned that I am more madly in love with this man than I was even aware of.  For the rest of my life, when I set out to beat myself up, I will have somebody there to block me...and remind me of just how awesome I am.  I feel so incredibly fortunate to not only have found a man that I love more than I thought I would ever be able to...but one that I like a hell of a lot too.


I guess the nice thing for today...is just the blog.  It stands on it's own.  It's a huge deal...for me at least...to have allowed somebody into my life.  Fully.  Without question.  Or hesitation.  And I KNOW we'll have our moments.  But I also KNOW that we'll get through them.  Because at the end of the day...we love each other.  We like each other...and sometimes...a little crazy isn't such a bad thing. It can be...in fact...the most beautiful thing in the world.  

Change

Mood:  cramps, exhausted, OVERWHELMED, defeated...

As the "mood" section of this blog might indicate, I'm done in.  Yesterday was tiring at it's best moments and utterly defeating at it's worst.  I woke up earlier than I needed to by A LOT (which I did again today...YAY) and decided to get the morning rolling with Cait by walking Maddie.  Then packing.  And the stress began.  I think it's universal that the majority of humanity hates packing.  Perhaps I should specify...packing to move.  Packing for, say, Vegas is awesome.  Packing your life into boxes and bags and attempting to make some sense of all the "stuff" and "things" is...overwhelming.  And I always think I have WAY too much clothing (even though I can never find ANYTHING to wear) or candles or journals...you get the idea.  I have too much "stuff."

The thing that annoys me about it this time is that, when I moved to Iowa I literally took the BARE essentials.  I mean...we took two cars but Caitlyn and Mommy will attest to the fact that all totaled my packing amounted to probably half a car.  I really wasn't looking forward to the move...so I just...well I kind of didn't pack, hence taking nothing.  Yet a year later, getting ready to move into this tiny apartment I find I've amassed an entire wardrobe, too much jewelry (like I needed more), and so much random other crap that all I can do is stare at it, get upset and decide to do something else.

But yesterday Caitlyn and I actually made some really good progress on the packing thing.  We may be packing into trash bags...but we're moving 20 minutes away so I feel like class can be forgotten for a few minutes.  Anyway so we've already donated 3 overstuffed trash bags to Goodwill and are working on 2 more.  We packed up all of our pants and tank tops and shirts yesterday that we know we won't be wearing in the next week or so.  Feeling good about our progress (and the fact that we squeezed work and errands into the day) we headed to bed.

A few episodes into "How I Met Your Mother" the second season and a lot of laughter Caitlyn and I were feeling good.  Then the yelling began.  Not going into any detail, isn't it just the way of the world that some people can make you feel like the absolute smallest human being in, oh say, 4 or 5 words.  And while both of us know that we're only subject to current situation for a few more days...it killed our moods.  We sat, not speaking, and feeling miserable.  Helpless. 

Then I looked over at Cait and saw this:

 

And because my  mind works in incredibly weird ways this made me think of a Taylor Swift song I'd heard earlier in the day when I randomly put her playlist on  random on  my phone.  The song..."Change."  Get it?  Piggy bank...change?  Okay, anyway, so it's actually a beautiful song about overcoming and winning and triumph and today...THAT was my nice thing.   I believed the song.  I BELIEVE that things WILL change.  Starting with a move...which means a LOT more packing and upset and stress....but it's all for the better.

I KNOW this without a doubt.  "Cause these things will change."  

P to the S if you haven't heard the song.....here you go: