Are You There God? It's Me, Ashley.

Mood:  scared, exhausted


When we got the news that Jeff's cancer had returned and that he would need three months of chemotherapy, I made a promise to myself that I was going to blog my way through the experience. And so, I write tonight. Bear with me. I am running on 5 hours of sleep and a day from hell. As I started this post I got angry at myself for not writing more of this journey. But, it occurred to me that we have only gotten through one full 5 day cycle of chemo. He has about 8 more to go. It's been just over a week....

That week has felt like a million years. I'm positive that I have aged at least 20 years.

Jeff has tolerated the chemo fairly well, and at the end of his third day we were actually pretty hopeful that he'd get through this without much discomfort and pain. The end of his third day was two days before my last post. Perhaps we got too excited too quick, or perhaps we were just incredibly naive about what this process really is.

The thing is, you really don't know much about chemo and cancer and IVs and pills until you are forced to know. I've always valued knowledge and learning and books but I find, as I sit here too scared to sleep, crying for my husband, for Malcolm, for myself and the loss of some imaginary sense of innocence, that there really is truth to the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing.

I know now, that cancer and chemo seem to be one step forward and three miles back.

I spent all of last night and this morning trapped in my head and hating myself. I got my period for the first time in a year and I hated that it's more confirmation that I can't have a child and that I was even thinking about given our current situation. I hated how fat I have gotten and that I haven't done a damn thing about it. I hated that I have no "best" friends in Iowa and that I'm too scared to get close enough to people to make any. I hated that sometimes I feel like I have no best friend at all. I hated that my sister is too far away and I haven't spoken to my brother in a year and that my mom could do nothing more than listen to me sob over the phone. I hated that Malcolm saw me cry and that he kissed my stomach to make me feel better and all I could do was cry more.

I hated so, so much today.

Jeff was running a fever all day. I hated watching him try to fight it. I hated that he seemed to be unable to do so.

He has been admitted to the hospital with the fever and a low white blood cell count. And I sit on the couch, alone, crying. And scared. The one thing I did know going into this battle is that it is very rarely cancer that takes a patient. It is an illness or infection that they just can't fight. And I am trying so, so hard to KNOW that Jeff is not going to go due to an illness...but I also told myself he wouldn't get this bad. I told myself the cancer was gone after his surgery in April. I seem adept at lying to myself.

And while I have no idea what will happen later tonight or tomorrow morning or the next day, I do know that I don't hate the fact that Jeff is in the hospital. I don't hate that I can't breath because my throat is so tight from choking on tears. I don't hate that Malcolm left the hospital telling me how much he was going to miss Daddy tonight. I don't hate any of that because I am just so aware of what I do have. I am alive. I have Malcolm to talk to, even if it's sad and scary sometimes. And I have a husband I love that I get to see tomorrow morning. And I have a Pomeranian cuddled on my lap, licking away the salty tears.

I have a great iTunes playlist going. I have a pink glittery cup holding my water. And I have people reading this. This might not get read by many people, I don't know. But if it does, I hope it gives you some hope. Or a bit of happiness. Life is scary. As much as we learn and plan and love and think, so much is out of our control. Sometimes it's important to remember that. And to stop fighting for control for a moment and to just be. And to allow what will happen to happen.

And if God is reading this,

Help.

Sincerely,

Ashley

Legally...Half Blonde

Mood:  blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Today was not a pretty day.  I woke up COMPLETELY awake before dawn all ready to go to the gym, and I could not get Caitlyn to wake up.  I wasn't trying TOO hard because to be honest, the last thing I felt like doing was going to the gym before 6:00.  I checked all my social networking sites (which is sadly the FIRST thing I do in the morning) and then took a little snooze until I absolutely HAD to get into the shower.

I'll skip the rest of my day.  It included disappointment, disrespect, dehumanization, and a lot of other "D" words.  So as I was on the phone with my mom (who is helping Cait and I move and I get to see in less than 2 weeks!!!!!!) she asked what nice thing I had done for myself today.  I really couldn't answer.  I did a few things that were nice...but nothing seemed to make me feel better.

I guess if I had to pick ONE thing that I did that made me feel better today it would be this:

This movie ALWAYS makes me happier inside.  And I tear up every single time I listen to her graduation speech.  While fun and frivolous, this movie reminds me that I AM capable of doing things that others may not expect of me and that I may not even expect of myself yet.  Life really is full of surprises and and maybe my nice thing for today is reminding myself that my future might not even be known to me yet.  I might be destined for things that I haven't even dreamed of.  And there's some scariness in there...but also some beauty.  Today...I gave myself the gift of hope...and surprise...and motivation.