Okay....Here Goes

Mood:  ....

I'm leaving my mood blank.  Not because I don't have one, mainly because I have too many at any given time right now.

I haven't blogged in 3 months.  I haven't done much of anything I'm proud of in three months.  In fact I'm not sure I've really done ANYTHING in three months.

Life has a funny way of getting away from you.  I suspect all of us feel this way at some point or another.  I certainly feel that way now.  In November my graduating high school class celebrated our 10 year reunion.  10 years?  How did that time just disappear?  

For the past few days I've been doing some pretty serious self reflection.  I've made some choices recently which forced my hand in the self examination arena.  Which, at my best moments, I am truly thankful for.

I'm probably not a bad person.  I'm certainly not the worst person to live...but I don't feel like a good person either.  I don't feel good about myself.  In the last 8 hours or so I've realized I can continue to feel that way or I can continue to do the painful work of continuing to look at who I am.  Who I want to be.  And I want to be good.  I want to be somebody that my husband and stepson and parents and siblings are proud of.  I want to be somebody that I am proud of.

This takes work.  And it takes a starting place.  I have no idea where to begin.  But I am reminded of a quote from an art book I loved reading in college.  There was a dog pictured with his face to the second step of a staircase (incidentally the title of the book is Face to Face with the Second Step).  The quote below it read...and as I can't find the exact quote this may just be the basic idea behind it...: 

Still, you know you have to start somewhere. And asking a question is as good a place as any even if you KNOW the for now, silence is all you will hear.

Friends, readers, internet land...that's where I am.  I have nothing but questions.  Some that I've imposed upon myself.  Others that I ponder.  Many that may never be met with anything but silence.  

I'd like to say that THIS time I will ask all the scary and hard questions.  God, life, science, nature, politics...ALL those life questions.  I won't.  But that's okay.  As long as I can start to ask the questions I need to in order to discover my truth...I'm going to be okay.  As long as I ask questions that keep leading myself and my family forward in a positive direction I'm okay. And as long as I keep getting up, breathing in and out, and putting one foot in front of the other I'm okay.

I pray you are too during this holiday season.  I am going to try to return to my nice things daily routine of blogging.  I need that for myself.  And it was nice to know others cared and were reading. 

Blessings. 

I Statements

Mood:  shattered

I'll be honest, while this blog IS about changing the world by changing MY world...it's also to help me grow and move past my past.  To take things one day at a time and remember that there is good in every single day even if it's just a cup of coffee or a quick walk.  But I'm finding myself sometimes just glazing over my feelings on the blog in order to still be doing "nice things."  And that's definitely not what I intended for this blog to do to me.

So my nice thing for today is to be honest with myself about everything I'm feeling and why.  And how to combat it most effectively.  As I'm feeling sick (again!) today I decided to work on curriculum from home.  I actually have more resources here than at my office anyway.  But since I'm home I can completely and openly honor every feeling that I have without having to "wait" until an appropriate time to be upset or angry or sad.  

Last night I cried for the first time in months.  Like, sobbing uncontrollably cried.  My eyes are still puffy this morning...but I needed that cry.  There's just so much change going on (good, bad, exciting, scary) and I've worked two 10+ hour days this week already so I was exhausted and frustrated and my body had had it.  And I cried.  I cried for how sad I felt, I cried for not having my parent's bed to crawl into, I cried for the loss of a good friend (where are you?!?!?), I cried for how lonely I feel, I cried for the rejected 15 year old version of me, I cried for the ONLY girl who didn't attend Millersville homecoming this year.  I cried for the girl standing on the sidelines...the girl I didn't think I was anymore.

And this morning...rather than decide I was just "over it," I'm going to honor that girl.  I'm going to make her feel secure.  And safe.  And I'm going to let her know that I love her.  

And if all else fails I'll look at the present I was given last night by one of my wonderful LOGOS kids

I love silly bandz...even if I am 26.  And if the silly band fails (though that's doubtful) I have this precious little face to remind me that I am special and needed:

Even if she gets annoyed with my phone in her face taking pictures, she'll lick me ten seconds later until I can't feel my hand. 

Feeling sad isn't always bad.  Wallowing...not so good...but being honest about what's going on...cathartic.  So today I'm going to work on the Genesis story for children (suggestions and advice welcomed) and organizing and cleaning the apartment while I'm home for the day.  And I'm going to be honest about what's going on with me.  I can't effectively minister to others if I can't minister to myself.