I'm hot. Sooooooooooooooooo hot. Then again, I'm certain the vast majority of the country feels me on that one. If you know me then you know that heat + Ashley just don't mix. At all. Ever. At least for ANY extended periods of time. By which I mean, oh say, 10 minutes. I managed to sit for over 1 hour in the heat on the 4th for the parade since it was just so fun watching Malcolm...but kids do make us do crazy things that we once deemed impossible.
Anyway. I left the house today once. For right under an hour. And about 5 minutes of that time was spent outside. If that. From house to car, car to store, store to car, car to house. That was it.
Even though I only left the house for a minimal amount of time, I feel pretty good. The day has certainly had it's ups and downs. There was a panic attack in the car (yikes!) but there was also the Malcolm and Jeff surprise I got this morning:
I took a nap. And made a pretty sweet dinner (thanks Daddy for your marinade recipe!). But the thing of which I am most proud is my 101 in 1001 list. It's not quite finished (18 to go!) but it's a good start. I'm really excited about this list of goals. I feel energized and refreshed. Some of the list is scary to think about doing...my #15 is particularly terrifying...and some of it is just plain fun. I'll post it here when it's finished. That gives me a certain level of accountability...which I do need.
I can't wait to get a start on this list (though by blogging again, I already have!) especially since I can do some of it now...and still avoid the heat!
I'm not watching The Little Mermaid as I write this. I'm actually watching Shaun of the Dead. Needed a feel good movie tonight...and this is a genius movie. Absolutely brilliant.
Anyway. As I've written before, Wednesdays are my longest day of the week. They're also usually the most gratifying. Since I see the kids...I'm reminded why I do what I do day in and day out. And night after night stressing. And weekends where I don't go out because I don't want to be tired for a Sunday. Honestly...the young kids and the Sr. High...they make it ALL worth it. That being said...by Friday afternoon I've generally forgotten.
Tonight, during the Sr. High meeting, one of the kids was telling a story. Earlier in the evening he had found a can of Starbucks Double Shot Coffee flavored energy drink. I do not drink it...thus it's been in the office pre-me. He asked how old it was...and since it's pre-me I rolled my eyes and looked at the bottom of the can. Thus sparking a debate on whether or not that date meant that that's when something was manufactured OR the expiration date. I was on expiration date side. After his call to the lovely people at Pepsi, who incidentally manufacture the Starbucks drinks, I was proven correct...yet he STILL didn't believe me...until somebody else had a can of Coke that was "manufactured" on 8-11-11. I won.
So as the retelling of this story happened to the rest of the group...I said that had he just listened to me, as I'm the leader thus imminently more correct (note sarcasm), he would have saved everybody all this time.
And then...the ONE kid I NEVER expected to even accept me let alone LIKE me said "well he can't listen to you. You may be the leader...but you're one of us so..."
I've been thinking about that since it was said. All I wanted when I started this job was to "fit in" with the kids. Not to be one of them...but to fit and have a place with them. And I do. The thing that makes me sad...
as I talked to my family later that evening...I realized that being "part of their world" comes at a great cost to me now. My family. Phone calls are different...cursory. It's a lonely feeling. Even though I'm surrounded by people. One of my favorite Scrubs quotes ever is when JD says:
Nothing hurts worse than feeling completely alone even when you're surrounded by people.
And it couldn't be more true. So my nice thing?
Moving on I guess. Finding family where my home is. Realizing that this is my reality now...it's not just some little trip I'm on anymore. I'm...one of them.
Today was the first day of Sunday School. If you follow this blog, you know that's a HUGE part of my job...implementing an educational program. The church hasn't had anything formal for nearly 2 years.
So this morning, I was freaking out. About everything. About Sunday School, about work on Monday. About romance. About children and my lack of. About my messy apartment (I'm working on it a little each day). About how I've stressed so much that I'm physically sick AGAIN. About missing family. About my debt. About missing Caitlyn. About moving back here. About long distances.
What all the worry amounted to is simply that I'm sick. Sunday School went beautifully. The kids were open, the teachers were amazing, and I couldn't have been any happier. I even worked after Sunday School and the service....like REALLY worked. Because, seeing those kids made me realize that even if this isn't a long term thing, or I don't send the rest of my life in Iowa...I made the right decision for me...right now.
Which put me at ease. And I even treated myself to some lo mein for lunch...and dinner. Along with the 4 liters of OJ I've consumed today (I can't stop thinking of Juno except, I drank Simply Orange not Sunny D).
And as I've been in and out of consciousness for the last 7 hours or so, I've awoken to a few random things. An SNL skit....if you're friends with me on fb...it's on my page. And I woke up with this burning need to listen to the song below. I woke up needing this song, I thought for one reason. For a person in Ireland whom I miss dearly. I thought I would listen and somehow feel closer...but my nice thing turned out to backlash on me for a few minutes.
I've never actually seen the video...just really love the song. And as I watched it, I not only felt even FARTHER from the person I miss...but I realized that I missed Caitlyn. A lot. There's a lyric:
The silence isn't so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad. Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly. I'll find repose in new ways though I haven't slept in 2 days cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist deep in thought cause when I think of you I don't feel so alone.
I know it's an odd response to think of my sister during that song. But all I could think about as I listened to this part in particular were the nights that she played this for me, holding my hand as I cried and felt lonely. And tonight....as I cried I had nobody there to hold my hand.
Which at first was terrifying, and lonely. And as I type, tears are quite literally streaming down my face. We're talking the kind that slip into your lips, that drip off your chin.
But that's my nice thing. To grieve. And to realize that I need to at some point, because things have and will continue to change. That's just part of growing up. And while I thought what I was missing today was romance and my lack thereof and my Ireland....what I was really missing was something I'm just damn lucky to have to miss. An amazing sister who I can honestly call my best friend.
And as I know she reads this, know that I love you. And that I am so proud that you did what was right for you. And I did what was right for me. And together...even if we're apart...we'll grow up. And I love you.
Sometimes nice things aren't pretty. Sometimes they're messy and tear stained and painful....but you can't get anywhere until you acknowledge where you've been, where you are, and where you want to go. So I'll cry. And remember I'm not truly alone. And I'll think of Ireland and my sister. And my brother. And the dogs and my parents. And all the people who support me silently. And I'll remember that sometimes being kind to myself, is allowing myself to hurt.
It has been 4 days since my last blog. I feel like I just entered a confessional. But in all honesty...it has. I've been working, sleeping, not sleeping, not working, cleaning, not cleaning...just kind of drifting through the past couple of days.
There are major changes about to happen in my life...and when the time is right this blog will reveal that. But right now, as nothing is 100% set...I'll keep it to...major things. And I've been trying to find a way to cope with change cause, I'll be honest I freaking hate it. I hate everything about it. The uncomfortable way it just embraces you and clings to you and keeps this horrible death grip on you while you try to cling desperately to whatever "was." And I mean...I get this upset about change when it comes to a new lip gloss sometimes...so this news is really freaking me out.
So I've been trying to be ultra nice with myself. To be sensitive and attentive to what my body tells me I need to be doing. My body...sucks. Apparently no part of me knows what to do at the moment. My head says one thing, my heart says another, my gut says something else...and my feet are usually telling me they're cold. And all that leaves me with is a constant need for warmer socks and a horrible feeling of complete emptiness. When every single part of you is at battle with you...how do you get out alive?
I assure you I don't know the answer to that. Nor do I know if I ever will. All I know is that my nice things...will no be reduced to...allowing myself to cry. Getting out of bed...and maybe even finally putting this apartment into working order so it's not just someplace I happen to sleep. Honestly...the nicest thing I'm doing for myself right now...is to take the pressure of trying to be nice off of myself for once...and allowing myself to hurt...even if I hate that feeling. I've professed to believe that everything happens for a reason...so maybe I should put that to use here and God willing...this too shall pass. And I'll come out on the other side...stronger...and maybe even feeling a little nicer.
I've been watching a ton of Sex and the City recently. And I've spent a ton of time not on the internet, and not blogging. Tonight I did a ton of nice things for myself. Organized the apartment (though if you viewed it, it wouldn't look as though Cait and I spent hours doing so), cooked dinner, primed my nails for painting. It's been a productive few hours.
But mainly, I returned to blogging. I think I've been avoiding blogging not because I haven't been doing nice things for myself...but because I've been tired...cranky...cold...and actually out of my apartment recently. In the past two weeks, I've been out more than I have in my whole year of living in Iowa. And it's been exhausting. It's been fun, awkward, tiring, exciting, and confusing.
It's no secret I'm single. Also no secret that I don't like being single. At 26, I want to have my career, my apartment, and my boyfriend. I want it all. Hence the whole Sex and the City thing. All the episodes focus on relationships, and many focus on "having it all." And it seems that the characters get it all, f it up, then get everything back. In real life...it doesn't seem to work that way. At least not in my experience.
So while blogging was on the list of nice things for today...my main nice thing was simply telling myself to slow down. 26 is not the end of my life. It's probably just the beginning. And while I may think that a relationship, marriage, kids, house, and ring amounts to "it all" I have to realize that being happy with what you have is really what having it all is about. And right now, minus the car with no heat, I'm pretty happy with what I've got.
Yesterday in church we sang Blessed Assurance hence the title of the blog. I've had a rough week at work...and I've been doing a lot of questioning about myself and my abilities. Church is an emotional place for me anyway...I FEEL worship...I don't just sit there. And I've been really missing family and since my mom works in the church and as a child it was a family thing...the feelings of loss of childhood and innocence and missing home just intensify. And while singing...I got so choked up that I couldn't sing and tears were threatening to take over. Just as they are now. So rather than cry (which I have no shame in doing in church) I tried to refocus myself. I couldn't get emotional yesterday since I had meetings, and socialization...the whole working in a church thing is a blessing and a curse when it comes to personal worship. And my blog title was born. And the blog was in infancy.
It's been a few days since I have blogged. I've been doing nice things...but in the past few days I've been having a hard time remembering that I deserve to do nice things for myself. And today it's the blog. This is my story: I'm confused...I'm sometimes in pain...I question myself and lose confidence. I allow others to tell me who I am and what I can/can't do...and sometimes I allow that to be my opinion as well. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I want to dance and sing and play in the snow (YES THERE IS ALREADY SNOW)...and some days I just want quiet time to myself. I'm 26 and finally growing up. I'm learning lessons I probably should have years ago...but better late than never, right? And I'm trying EVERY day to remind myself that I am my own worst enemy...and that beating myself up does nothing...that harming myself with negative thoughts simply keeps me chained and unable to truly live a life filled with positivity and love. THAT is my story...
It has been brought to my attention that I have had internet in the apartment since last Thursday evening, and yet I have not blogged. And I intended to blog everyday about my good things. Without internet, that was a wee bit difficult, but now that I have internet there is really no excuse.
I have been feeling a bit under the weather recently. Mainly severe allergies....and upset stomach in addition. But still, I've continued my nice things even if it was just making a cup of tea.
Anyway. It's been a relaxing sort of morning so far. Got up, checked required social networking, and then walked Maddie with Caitlyn. Made some breakfast, took a lovely phone call, and then...well....I haven't really done too much of anything. Since I have a meeting at 7 I'm rationalizing the fact that I am still in bed (though fully awake AND upright) by telling myself that I won't be home until rather late this evening and I have to be up early tomorrow for my last day at the manor.
And so, besides taking it easy on myself today, I've decided that my nice thing for myself today is to remember how far I've come in a year. Let's take a little journey shall we...
About 14 months ago I moved half way across the country to virtually the middle of nowhere for....many reasons but essentially no specific purpose. I had no job to go to, little interest in living with my grandparents, and no control over my own life. I did happen upon a job I loved with all my heart (most of the time) but knew it wasn't for me. And 14 months later I'm starting a career that I can't wait to get into. I took control of my life and live in my own place (with Cait and Maddie of course) and am starting to take control over other areas of my life.
I'm pretty damn impressed with all that I've accomplished in a short amount of time. I feel like I grew up in about 6 months. The truth of the matter is though, there's been behind the scenes encouragement from a certain Irish fellow for nearly 2 years now, without which I don't think I would have done this. And the family (especially Cait for her support - in every sense of the word) didn't hurt either. So thank you to all of you who have helped me get as far as I am today. I am truly excited about the person I've somehow become (and know that I have so much more to offer the world).
Today was...a day. It began at 5:15 when I very politely told my alarm to go to hell (it was Lady Gaga's Bad Romance...I don't think she was offended) and rolled back over. At 6:05 I finally woke up...checked all the necessary social networking and e-mail things...showered...dressed...and went to work. I then worked.
After work I went to lunch with my Grandmother and sister. Then came errands (bank run, obligatory Wal-Mart run even though I left empty handed). And then came...a two hour time period before I had to go back to work. Not cool. Because when you only have a certain amount of time before you HAVE to do something....it always seems to feel as though you've got time to do exactly nothing. For instance, laundry was out. Packing for the move to the new apartment...out. Cleaning....I was too lazy. So I decided I would nap.
That did not work. Then I remembered that I hadn't done anything for myself yet today. So I did this: I made the bed beautifully. I've been getting back into the habit of fully making the bed daily (instead of just pulling the sheets a bit) and have even been making it look pretty some days. Today was one of those days. No pictures...but it looked like a little slice of heaven. And I decided I would make it so that when I returned from work I had something pretty to return to. Sometimes it really is the littlest things that make the biggest difference. Knowing that I had a small little oasis awaiting me made work slightly more bearable.
Tomorrow (if all goes according to plan) Caitlyn and I will be going to the Iowa State Fair for the first time ever. We have tickets for We the Kings (soooo excited) and Boys Like Girls. However...we didn't know that going to the fair required money other than the concert tickets (the Great Allentown Fair DOES NOT charge admission at all...you hardly even have to pay for parking). Anyway...so the added expenses (boo) make tomorrow a perhaps no go...which will both sadden me (as I am DYING to see this band live) and piss me off (since I've already purchased NON REFUNDABLE tickets). But growing up means making choices and...if we can't hack the extra money then...we don't go to the show and sit angrily on wasted $50.
Anyway...we'll see where tomorrow takes us. Hopefully...to Des Moines.
