Battle of the Body

Mood:  indescribable

It has been 4 days since my last blog.  I feel like I just entered a confessional. But in all honesty...it has.  I've been working, sleeping, not sleeping, not working, cleaning, not cleaning...just kind of drifting through the past couple of days.

There are major changes about to happen in my life...and when the time is right this blog will reveal that. But right now, as nothing is 100% set...I'll keep it to...major things.  And I've been trying to find a way to cope with change cause, I'll be honest I freaking hate it.  I hate everything about it.  The uncomfortable way it just embraces you and clings to you and keeps this horrible death grip on you while you try to cling desperately to whatever "was."  And I mean...I get this upset about change when it comes to a new lip gloss sometimes...so this news is really freaking me out.

So I've been trying to be ultra nice with myself.  To be sensitive and attentive to what my body tells me I need to be doing.  My body...sucks.  Apparently no part of me knows what to do at the moment.  My head says one thing, my heart says another, my gut says something else...and my feet are usually telling me they're cold.  And all that leaves me with is a constant need for warmer socks and a horrible feeling of complete emptiness.  When every single part of you is at battle with you...how do you get out alive?  

I assure you I don't know the answer to that.  Nor do I know if I ever will.  All I know is that my nice things...will no be reduced to...allowing myself to cry.  Getting out of bed...and maybe even finally putting this apartment into working order so it's not just someplace I happen to sleep.  Honestly...the nicest thing I'm doing for myself right now...is to take the pressure of trying to be nice off of myself for once...and allowing myself to hurt...even if I hate that feeling.  I've professed to believe that everything happens for a reason...so maybe I should put that to use here and God willing...this too shall pass.  And I'll come out on the other side...stronger...and maybe even feeling a little nicer.