Part of Their World

Mood:  confused, elated, depleted, crushed

I'm not watching The Little Mermaid as I write this.  I'm actually watching Shaun of the Dead.  Needed a feel good movie tonight...and this is a genius movie.  Absolutely brilliant.

Anyway.  As I've written before, Wednesdays are my longest day of the week.  They're also usually the most gratifying.  Since I see the kids...I'm reminded why I do what I do day in and day out.  And night after night stressing.  And weekends where I don't go out because I don't want to be tired for a Sunday.  Honestly...the young kids and the Sr. High...they make it ALL worth it.  That being said...by Friday afternoon I've generally forgotten.

Tonight, during the Sr. High meeting, one of the kids was telling a story.  Earlier in the evening he had found a can of Starbucks Double Shot Coffee flavored energy drink.  I do not drink it...thus it's been in the office pre-me.  He asked how old it was...and since it's pre-me I rolled my eyes and looked at the bottom of the can.  Thus sparking a debate on whether or not that date meant that that's when something was manufactured OR the expiration date.  I was on expiration date side.  After his call to the lovely people at Pepsi, who incidentally manufacture the Starbucks drinks, I was proven correct...yet he STILL didn't believe me...until somebody else had a can of Coke that was "manufactured" on 8-11-11.  I won.

 

So as the retelling of this story happened to the rest of the group...I said that had he just listened to me, as I'm the leader thus imminently more correct (note sarcasm), he would have saved everybody all this time.  

And then...the ONE kid I NEVER expected to even accept me let alone LIKE me said "well he can't listen to you.  You may be the leader...but you're one of us so..."

I've been thinking about that since it was said.  All I wanted when I started this job was to "fit in" with the kids.  Not to be one of them...but to fit and have a place with them.  And I do.  The thing that makes me sad...

as I talked to my family later that evening...I realized that being "part of their world" comes at a great cost to me now.  My family.  Phone calls are different...cursory.  It's a lonely feeling.  Even though I'm surrounded by people.  One of my favorite Scrubs quotes ever is when JD says:

Nothing hurts worse than feeling completely alone even when you're surrounded by people.

And it couldn't be more true.  So my nice thing?

Moving on I guess.  Finding family where my home is.  Realizing that this is my reality now...it's not just some little trip I'm on anymore.  I'm...one of them.

Legally Blizzard

Mood:  cold, accomplished

Today...it's "Iowa" weather.  Ridiculously windy, freezing, icy and of course the fun snow.  Thus, I decided not to leave the apartment.  Caitlyn and I spent all day yesterday in Sioux City doing some Christmas shopping.  Pretty much everything is covered and I got some amazing deals.  I've recently started wearing cardigans...almost daily.  And I've had my eye on some at Old Navy for over a month now, and yesterday they were buy one, get one.  Loved it.  On top of some super sales at Kohls...which equaled more cardigans...and FINALLY a pair of leather over the knee boots (for under 50!!!!).  It was a highly productive, and actually pretty cheap day.

But besides acquiring some new clothing, nothing much happened yesterday.  So today, it was business time.  And seeing as the weather was supposed to be awful (which it was) Cait and I decided to get down to business.  As we prepare for her to leave, part of that is going through the apartment and getting the stuff she'll be able to stuff into a suitcase together.  Also general cleaning so that when I come home from the holidays to an empty apartment...it's also clean as opposed to looking like a tornado hit it.  

So we cleaned, I cooked an awesome dinner...and we ate oatmeal cookies for dessert.  One would think with all of that niceness that I was in good spirits...but there's far too much work to still be done for that to have happened.  Thus I sat in the kitchen...dejected...and slumped in a bar chair....that hasn't been fit for sitting in nearly a month.  As we got ready to eat, Caitlyn asked me what movie I wanted to watch.  I...being just a tad bit dramatic as I can be....muttered something to the effect of it didn't matter because nothing did anymore.

See, while I can't wait to see friends and family that I literally have not seen in years...the prospect of going home is terrifying.  I go home with Caitlyn...and then...I come back alone.  I'm horrified at leaving by myself.  And knowing that she's not coming back a few weeks later.  So I've thought of skipping Christmas at home all together, but I mean, it's been two years since I've seen my brother...uncool.

Today's nice thing happened when I heard the title music to Legally Blonde.  Cait knows my go-to "you can do it" movie...and yes...it's Legally Blonde.  For some reason EVERY SINGLE TIME I watch it I am motivated to push myself beyond what I THINK I am capable of into what I KNOW I am capable of.  And I get excited about it.  As we settled in with said amazing dinner and eventually awesome cookies...we watched...and laughed...and searched online for inexpensive Christmas dresses...and as the movie ended....I was smiling.  Genuinely.  Unafraid of being on my own.  I know this next bit of my journey is going to be hard...but nothing I won't be able to handle.  And for the first time in a long time...I can't wait to go home.

Coming Home

Mood: homesick, lonely, nostalgic, sad

I have a meeting for work (with the committee that I answer to) in roughly 30 minutes.  I have been at work since around 1 and I'm tired.  I'm homesick.  And being in a church makes me even more homesick.  And oddly enough, I find the closer I get to meeting time the more homesick I get.  Not that I don't want to attend (although a night of doing nothing would be nice...) or that I feel a need to escape or anything...it's just...it reminds me of the feeling I would get after being with mom.  After a long day in her office (distracting her from work) there was always this weird anticipatory feeling as she would prepare to go to meetings.  This "my work is almost done/I'm going home" feeling...and I have that same feeling tonight.  Only heightened.  

The thing is...I AM going to a meeting then going home.  But I still think of home as mom and dad's house in Emmaus.  So when I think I'm "going home"  I'm preparing myself for a houseful of dogs and stocked full of food and mom and dad and cable.  Thing is...my home isn't there anymore.  It's in Iowa.  And it's empty of food...without cable...and has only one (but with her you don't need another) dog.  It's not that I don't like where I live...it's just that I haven't adjusted to "home" being my place instead of where mom and dad are.  Does this ever happen?  Or is "home" always that abstract feeling that you get when you long for your childhood, simpler days, and hugs that only parents can give?  I don't know.  I'm not sure I want to.  I certainly don't want to lose all the feelings that come with home (even the bad ones).

I think the whole idea of "home" started this morning when one of the first songs I heard upon waking up was an Owl City song.  "If my heart was a house you'd already be home."  I started to think of the people in my life that are at home in my heart, though it isn't a brick and mortar house (which is incidentally a good thing for my circulatory system).  And today...I loved every single one of them.  A lot.  Which felt good.  And in addition to that...I'm going to start anticipating going to my own apartment...not just Christmas day when I get on a plane and go to mom and dad's.  I'm going to try and think of home as abstract not concrete.  Perhaps that will help ease the loneliness and longing....

(I took this picture literally seconds before leaving for Iowa....it's my "home." )

Night Hiking

Mood:  healthier, lonely, ready for the week ahead (i hope....)

You know, I've never understood Sunday being the day of rest...when...for those that work in the church...it tends to be a day of little to no rest.  That being said, since I truly love working in a church, it's not the most unrestful event...but it's also...slightly stressful.  Any work is.  And then there's the societal tendency to make Sunday the day of ALL unfinished business from cleaning to yardwork to car repairs...so when you work in a church AND try to do unfinished business....if you're me you end up taking a nap all afternoon then heading back to the church.

So Caitlyn and I made a pact that every single day this week we will spend at least 20 minutes cleaning/organizing/repairing so that there's less to do on Sundays.  

Beyond that this evening's Sr. High youth event was a "Halloween Night Hike."  Sounds scary...it wasn't.  It's actually a conservation walk...and it was pretty cute, I have to admit.  One of the things that I miss the MOST about being home in the fall is the foliage.  Of course the leaves change here, and it's gorgeous...it's just...the mountains at home the entire landscape of reds and oranges and yellows and browns and golds.  So tonight, on the hike I started to actually pay attention to the woods we were walking.  Not just hurrying up to get done...but looking, feeling, absorbing.  And it was wonderful.

Okay so mostly tree branches.  But I focused on the leaves instead.

The further  into the woods we got...the denser the trees.  And the orangier as well.  Near the middle of our walk the moon was out.

The view of the moon is what made me miss home the most...but at the same time...comforted me the most.  Oddly enough thanks to David Spade.  If you've seen Joe Dirt then you might remember how Joe (Spade) talks about missing people and looking up at the moon KNOWING that the people he misses are looking at the same moon.  And that comforts him.  And tonight...I let myself be comforted by that.

To really let your surroundings affect you...to simply take some nature in....and to take a brisk walk...some days there is nothing nicer that can be done.