Vanilla Twilight

Mood:  I'll look at the world with eye new...


I know I've used this song before in a blog.  One for my sister.  As I was driving to work this morning and listening to my music, this song came on.  

I've been trying to write this blog for a full day now.  Honestly.  24 full hours of this agony.  I've written in the journal until my hand was aching.  I've talked through it, texted with the boyfriend (that's coming...) about it, listened to countless music looking for inspiration, colored my prayers, and written so many drafts I stopped counting.  As I gave up for another night the boyfriend had a pretty solid idea...so here goes.

One thing I read a ton about and am constantly inspired by is Celtic spirituality.  I'm not going to lie, it started as a completely shallow way of screaming "look at how Irish I am!" but it turned into a  deep fascination and appreciation for their view of the world and life.  Celtic spirituality is incredibly cyclical in nature.  So is Celtic Christianity too...just look at their crosses.  The beauty in Celtic art and the knots...the intricate weaving of one line, ultimately beginning and ending at the same place.  And that's what it's all about.  We are born knowing, loving, and full of everything we need.  It is all already in us.  Living is merely a journey that extracts it...pulls it out.  And death is not entering some scary unknown place, but rather, a homecoming.  


Thinking on Celtic spirituality, the boyfriend, this song...it all makes sense.  Life is inherently cyclical.  I like how even 5 year olds know this because The Lion King tells them so, but it takes a grown woman over 24 hours to come to terms with this.


I guess that I was struggling so hard with this particular blog and this idea of life cycles because given my current situation it's quite scary.


I've used the word boyfriend a few times.  Ladies and gentlemen...Ashley CB is no longer a single woman.  After 3 years of being alone and figuring me out...I found somebody who gets me.  No bullshit.  No pretending.  Just a really sweet, considerate man who cares about me.  And I care right back.  Though the transition from first date to second date to relationship was somewhat seamless, and...for me at least...an inevitability, it's still nice to have been officially asked.  The second date was even better than the first...but that could have been the genius of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost...who knows.  Hours talking and laughing and sharing with each other...it's so...effortless and easy.  


I drove home Saturday....very reluctantly....content in a way I haven't been in years.  Happy.  Excited.  I feel nothing but blessed to have this person in my life.  Well...there are other adjectives of course...but...I'm a damn lucky girl.


When I got home Saturday...I took a shower.  As I stepped out of the shower I heard a notification on my phone.  It was a voicemail informing me that one of the women in my congregation had been killed Friday morning in a car accident.  I'm sure my jaw dropped as tears formed.  This woman left 7 children ranging in age from college to 4th grade behind.  The children that I have been working with, and loving since I started my job.


As I cried...I called my mom.  Thankful that I still had a mother to call I sobbed to her.  I was in complete shock.  This woman was young, full of life, loving, and her children....


It's not lost on me that there's a new beginning and an ending at this point in my life.  But what I was missing...was that in the ending there is another new beginning.  While she has gone home...wherever that may be for her...her children are just starting to learn to live again.  Without a mother.


My job is...or as I describe it anyway...to care for, protect, teach, love, encourage, and be present for all the youth of the congregation (and any from the community who wander on in).  I'm blessed to not have much personal experience with death.  So how am I to care for these kids in what may be the most painful experience they will go through? 


The same way that I'm going to treat my new relationship.  With thoughtfulness, with love, with tenderness...and simply being present.  Listening with open ears and an open heart.  Providing the only thing I can give...and the most important thing I can give...myself.  


While I begin this wonderful new part of my life...I do it with the support of friends, family, extended church families...and of course...the boyfriend.  As I work my way through the grieving process and work towards healing...I'll remember that the new relationship and the challenge in front of me are not unrelated.  Rather...they are two parts of one journey.  Mine.  

As you listen to the song, if you do, think of your journey.  And know that it's not a scary undetermined path.  You're going to stumble...hell you're gonna faceplant...but at the end you'll be home.  It's worth taking the trip.


And please...I don't care if you pray, meditate, or do nothing...but please hold these 7 children in your hearts...for just a few minutes.  Thank you.

 

I'd Send a Postcard to you Dear.....

Mood: vanilla twilight

Today was the first day of Sunday School. If you follow this blog, you know that's a HUGE part of my job...implementing an educational program. The church hasn't had anything formal for nearly 2 years.

So this morning, I was freaking out. About everything. About Sunday School, about work on Monday. About romance. About children and my lack of. About my messy apartment (I'm working on it a little each day). About how I've stressed so much that I'm physically sick AGAIN. About missing family. About my debt. About missing Caitlyn. About moving back here. About long distances.

What all the worry amounted to is simply that I'm sick. Sunday School went beautifully. The kids were open, the teachers were amazing, and I couldn't have been any happier. I even worked after Sunday School and the service....like REALLY worked. Because, seeing those kids made me realize that even if this isn't a long term thing, or I don't send the rest of my life in Iowa...I made the right decision for me...right now.

Which put me at ease. And I even treated myself to some lo mein for lunch...and dinner. Along with the 4 liters of OJ I've consumed today (I can't stop thinking of Juno except, I drank Simply Orange not Sunny D).

And as I've been in and out of consciousness for the last 7 hours or so, I've awoken to a few random things. An SNL skit....if you're friends with me on fb...it's on my page. And I woke up with this burning need to listen to the song below. I woke up needing this song, I thought for one reason. For a person in Ireland whom I miss dearly. I thought I would listen and somehow feel closer...but my nice thing turned out to backlash on me for a few minutes.

I've never actually seen the video...just really love the song. And as I watched it, I not only felt even FARTHER from the person I miss...but I realized that I missed Caitlyn. A lot. There's a lyric:

The silence isn't so bad, till I look at my hands and feel sad. Cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly. I'll find repose in new ways though I haven't slept in 2 days cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone. But drenched in vanilla twilight I'll sit on the front porch all night, waist deep in thought cause when I think of you I don't feel so alone.

I know it's an odd response to think of my sister during that song. But all I could think about as I listened to this part in particular were the nights that she played this for me, holding my hand as I cried and felt lonely. And tonight....as I cried I had nobody there to hold my hand.

Which at first was terrifying, and lonely. And as I type, tears are quite literally streaming down my face. We're talking the kind that slip into your lips, that drip off your chin.

But that's my nice thing. To grieve. And to realize that I need to at some point, because things have and will continue to change. That's just part of growing up. And while I thought what I was missing today was romance and my lack thereof and my Ireland....what I was really missing was something I'm just damn lucky to have to miss. An amazing sister who I can honestly call my best friend.

And as I know she reads this, know that I love you. And that I am so proud that you did what was right for you. And I did what was right for me. And together...even if we're apart...we'll grow up.  And I love you.

Sometimes nice things aren't pretty.  Sometimes they're messy and tear stained and painful....but you can't get anywhere until you acknowledge where you've been, where you are, and where you want to go.  So I'll cry.  And remember I'm not truly alone.  And I'll think of Ireland and my sister.  And my brother.  And the dogs and my parents.  And all the people who support me silently.  And I'll remember that sometimes being kind to myself, is allowing myself to hurt.