Random Bursts of Crazy

Mood:  eager, anticipatory, nervous

The expression "first date jitters" has always perplexed me.  It still does.  For a while I think I didn't understand it because all of my relationships evolved from friendships, therefore the first "official" date we were already comfortable with one another.  But now that I actually am dating, I still don't get it.

Sure, I get the sentiment behind it.  I get plenty anxious (we're talking at least 2 Klonopin here) before I can even start to primp...but jitters implies...well...caffeine buzz or something to me.  And that's just not how I feel about first dates.  I was reading in Cosmo today that a University of Iowa (save your annoyance dad) study revealed that 17% of anonymous hook ups lead to a relationship.  Apparently this is surprising news...but it makes perfect sense to me.  Chances are an anonymous hook up took place after a night of drinking, and your guard was down all night as you weren't expecting anything nor had anything to live up to (online profile, witty texts, etc...).  You were just you. 

Whereas you go on a first date and it's somehow equivalent to a job interview.  And let's face it...who really cares what your favorite flavor of ice cream is on the first date?  First dates are annoying and a pain in my ass.  I'm no longer at a point in my life where I feel the need to hide who I am...but I'm still at an age where having a boyfriend is important thus...I have to hide some of the crazy.

It's like the Scrubs where Carla tells Eliot to release her crazy in little bursts to random people.  I feel like that.  The thing about the study from Iowa that kinda bugs me is that it doesn't really encourage...but it does suggest that sex is a hurdle in forming a bond.  And once you've jumped it you're sailing free.  I don't happen to think that's true...but like I said I get logic behind the study.

Anyway.  The point is...my nice thing for today was taking some of my crazy out on my blog readers....because...I have a date tonight.  Or an interview.  Hopefully what I really have is a good conversation and maybe even the damn butterflies.

Wish me luck.

PS - This is not the look I'll be sporting.  But it is a random burst of crazy.  Enjoy

 

Monday Morning?

Mood:  case of the Mondays

For some reason, driving into work this morning this song was in my head.  And I know the title is Sunday Morning but...it's a rainy Monday morning and it was stuck in my head.  There's actually a reason too.

I've been thinking about my blog from last night since...well I posted it.  And one of the responses was from someone who will remain anonymous...but that told me it was my fault I was single.  Bear with me.  And implied that being single for 3 years was bad because since I don't like him...I'm too picky.  Or at least that's how the message came across to me.  Now, I'm not saying I'm not picky.  And I'm certainly not saying that I haven't been single for 3 years.  And I know it's my fault.  The only thing standing between myself and a relationship is...myself.  

At times that's a good thing.   I've needed a lot of the past 3 years to realize how much I put up with and why I did.  And how much I NEVER want to be that girl again.  I'm not a mother (yet) and I shouldn't have to be.  I DO deserve somebody to love me and that treats me with respect and equality...I'm still working on that one.  But I also need the butterflies.  The "Sunday monring" feeling.

It's one of the most famous quotes from Sex and the City and this song sums it up pretty well too...which is why it was in my head this morning:

Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.

And that's me.  That's an ongoing nice thing I have.  And one that I'm going to constantly remind myself of today.  I deserve butterflies.  I deserve "Sunday mornings" (which incidentally will NOT be Sundays as...I work) and I'm going to be single until I find that.  Because damn it...I'm worth it.  And I have to believe that true love exists somewhere out there...as much as it hurts to believe it and not have it sometimes...I will continue to hope.

It All

Mood:  tired, cold, confused

I've been watching a ton of Sex and the City recently.  And I've spent a ton of time not on the internet, and not blogging.  Tonight I did a ton of nice things for myself.  Organized the apartment (though if you viewed it, it wouldn't look as though Cait and I spent hours doing so), cooked dinner, primed my nails for painting.  It's been a productive few hours.

But mainly, I returned to blogging.  I think I've been avoiding blogging not because I haven't been doing nice things for myself...but because I've been tired...cranky...cold...and actually out of my apartment recently.  In the past two weeks, I've been out more than I have in my whole year of living in Iowa.  And it's been exhausting.  It's been fun, awkward, tiring, exciting, and confusing.  

It's no secret I'm single.  Also no secret that I don't like being single.  At 26, I want to have my career, my apartment, and my boyfriend.  I want it all.  Hence the whole Sex and the City thing.  All the episodes focus on relationships, and many focus on "having it all."  And it seems that the characters get it all, f it up, then get everything back.  In real life...it doesn't seem to work that way.  At least not in my experience.  

So while blogging was on the list of nice things for today...my main nice thing was simply telling myself to slow down.  26 is not the end of my life.  It's probably just the beginning.  And while I may think that a relationship, marriage, kids, house, and ring amounts to "it all" I have to realize that being happy with what you have is really what having it all is about.  And right now, minus the car with no heat, I'm pretty happy with what I've got.