Mood: something good, something bad, something good
I was not looking forward to today. I'll be honest...I'm not looking forward to pretty much the next 10 days straight. Except for next Friday when I get to hang out at Six Flags with the kids all day. That will be pretty epic. Unless of course, since I'm the "old" leader, I get to ride all the rides stag or with a random stranger. That would be un-epic.
The next 10 days consists of the Sr. High mission trip. I've only been on one mission trip before in my entire 27 years. And I've certainly never been responsible for one. The planning, the organizing, the fundraising, the recruiting, the packing (and let me just say it's hard enough for me to pack for myself let alone with 10 kids in mind....). It's been an overwhelming and lonely process from the start. And spending this long away from the fiance....I know you're probably gagging....but honestly? I'm pretty freaked out about it. I know that I'll end up learning a ton. And there is bound to be some pretty great memories given this group of kids.
It's just...as I sat in my office today...I started to hate my office. My job. My work. Everything about where I physically was. I hated it. Then one of my kids came into my office. He's on break from working at the Presbyterian camp for the summer. He came bearing presents (even though he KNOWS I'm trying to count calories for the wedding dress....and honeymoon)...
We did not eat them all...nor even half. As I have a weakness for anything pink...that was by far the favorite. Name = Pink Princess. White chocolate....strawberry. Pink white chocolate curls and, you can't tell, but edible glitter. Uh....made for me and I soooooooooo loved it.
Anyway. It's this kind of thing...not the presents really...it's more the kids stopping in randomly that reminds me why I do my job. That remind me why I LOVE my job. I don't do it because I love being Presbyterian (I'm not and I would dislike it very much...waaaaaaaaaaaay too many rules for Ashley). I don't do it because this church is so amazingly awesome that I just can't not be there. I certainly don't do it for the money.
I do it for the youth. For the younger kids who are looking at who they may want to be...and beyond that who they CAN be. For the middle school/junior high kids that are trying so hard to fit in in that not a kid/not an adult stage. For the senior high that needs a place free from judgment, where they can be heard and still loved. And where they can look at the next step with somebody that can hold their hand objectively, tenderly, and willingly. THAT is why I do my job. THAT is why I want to continue to do this work.
So, can I handle 10 days straight? I suppose we'll find out. I do know this much...I can do nearly anything I put my mind to. I've been told this since I was a little kid, and some days I believe it. Jeff....watching me come completely undone as I prepare for this trip...reminds me constantly that I'll get through it...and I'll rock it. I may not rock it...but I feel completely positive that I will survive. I'll get through it. And when I get back....Harry Potter. Which Jeff has promised to catch up on (uhhhh....that means watching all 7....) and then take me to the day I return.
My nice thing for today? Remembering that sometimes, it's not what we think we can do...but what others KNOW we can. When we get overwhelmed...sometimes we need to let people tell us that we CAN and WILL do great things. Because if they believe it...why shouldn't we? And thinking positively doesn't only not hurt...but it can change the course of your entire life. My ring and subsequent engagement is tangible proof.
I learned something today. You can't rely on a smart phone to wake you up during daylight savings time, at least if you're me. Because, if you are me...you will wake up thinking you're early...then decide you have time to check your e-mail...only to realize that you have 20 minutes before you have to leave the house. At least I can always rely on social networking for the truth (and while that worked today...please note sarcasm). So after my rushed shower and dressing and running (literally) out the door....I had a few minutes in the car to calm myself down. I did this by loudly blasting All Time Low and screaming along. Yes, screaming. Most people who work in a church eventually face the problem of what to do during the commute to church. It is a question I have seen posted on facebook hundreds of times. It's a question and struggle I've watched my mom have. Me? I don't have it.
Perhaps it's because I am not responsible for delivering a week's worth of faith to people (or...all their faith...cause doing it oneself is waaaaaaaaaaay hard). Or perhaps it's because I don't believe that worship only happens in the church. And that the church is really just another building.
Or it could be this: every time the question of how to best prepare during the commute comes up...my answer is always the same... just make sure it makes you happy. Super helpful I know, since most people are asking for specific radio stations or CDs full of worship songs or classical music. Often their goal is something very calm, serene. But if I'm going to work on a Sunday morning when I'm already tired...cranky...and this morning LATE...I need something that is going to get me pretty freaking excited about my day. If I'm going to inspire a bunch of kids to get excited...don't I first have to be excited? I feel like it's totally unfair to ask them to come all pumped and happy to be there if I can't muster the same thing. Thus, I do what makes me happy. I listen to music that anybody else would soooooooooooo not chose as "preparation for worship" music. I get excited. I need to be a little...well...uncalm. Which is an awesome new word. Try using it in a sentence today.
The pump up music (hehe that makes me giggle cause pump up sounds dirty...) isn't just a Sunday morning thing. It's an every morning thing for me. The reason I chose to blog about it as my nice thing today? Sunday is the only day of the week where I feel like I should be...well...more "normal" about my musical selection. Because there is so much talk about how to best prepare oneself for worship when in a leadership position in the church. So I always feel slightly....bad?....listening to my music. I mean...Jesus probably wasn't rocking out to Blink singing about incest or how "it'd be nice to get a blowjob" (ps...one of the best Blink songs ever. hands down.)...but I KNOW that doesn't mean I can't. Or shouldn't.
Isn't preparing for worship a uniquely individual thing? And it shouldn't really matter how we get there...just that we do. So....here's a little something that while I didn't start my day with...I'm ending with. Because at the end of the day (did you see what I just did there?) my blog is...all the small things.
Mood: you say that I've been changing...that I'm not just simply aging...
I haven't blogged since last week. I also haven't slept since last week. Well...for more than 2 hours a night or so anyway. As I've been unable to make sense of anything around me, I did what is the most comfortable for me to do...I hid. Sometimes with 5 million things going on around me I'm still able to come up with something coherent to blog. Not recently. This most recent bout of insomnia has left me...
Insomnia affects every single aspect of your life from physical features (not enough under-eye concealer in the WORLD for these circles) to physical health (add the flu to my strep) to mental health (welcome back panic attacks!) to emotional health (depressed and hopelessly lonely) to spiritual health (uh....absent....completely).
As I sat at my desk today with about 25 projects scattered in front of me...I could NOT focus on anything. Not one thing. I tried for nearly 2.5 hours to write a note to send home with the kids. I've written 10 page papers in less time than that...this note should have taken about 3o seconds.
When I'm this lost there are few things that help me. One, though, is...reading. If I can find engaging material I can generally shut off the other nagging areas of crazy that keep me from being productive. So I rooted around the bookshelf...for this was not a "crack open the Bible" kind of day...and I found a text from seminary that I recall having genuinely enjoyed. It's core is on youth, youth culture, religion, church, etc...and so I decided I'd take a second look at it. As I was reading I became engrossed in the material (SCORE) and started nodding, or shaking my head...answering or disagreeing with the text in front of me. I happened to be reading about how parental religious grip loosens as children get older...when...that's really quite detrimental to children and their faith.
And as I'm angrily agreeing thinking how much easier my job would be if parent's were as involved as they expect their kids to be WITHOUT forcing their hand...I realized...I'm about as religiously strict as a 2 year old. I had to put the book down before freaking out.
As an educator in the church, I suppose I have a certain amount of authority. And I will be the first to admit that I am certainly a reluctant authority figure. That being said...I doubt that the high school kids would admit authoritative status of me from the get go...or the majority anyway...but I imagine if you asked them in a round about way whether or not they considered their youth group leader to be an authority figure...the answer would be pleasant. The annoying thing about that? To carry authority you have to first have beliefs...and...well...lately...
I've been so busy trying to stay afloat in this "new" life that I lost track of pretty much everything about my old one. I can't remember the last time I wrote a journal entry as opposed to a blog. I used to write (by hand) for hours before bed. Or the last time I colored a prayer that was honestly on MY heart. The last time I sat down to read...and I don't recall the last time I went to the lake or cooked an extravagant meal just because...
So as I read about how detrimental it is to loosen the parental grip on religion...and why it's done...I couldn't help but think of my own current frustration. Parents let go of church because there are other, more pressing matters. School (college is EXPENSIVE), pregnancy, drugs, friends, work...kids today are merely youngER adults. They hold harder hours than I do for the most part. And I'm sitting at my desk angrily thinking "well the more 'important' stuff can be here too..." when all of a sudden I realized...
Damn. That sucks. Cause...I can't point the finger if where I really need to point it is in the mirror. Hell...my more "important" stuff became...absolutely trivial in comparison to that list.
Truth is, religion and I...we're an odd pair...but I can't say I could live without it...even if I despise the institutional religious atmosphere I'm in. The point to all this rambling? My nice thing today is simply a renewed effort to remember what is most important to me. My family. Friends. Laughing. Writing. Reading. Figuring out religion. Spiritual practices. Wellness. Shoes. Make-up. Nice things.
Being better. Doing better...and living better by proxy. May God give you the kick in the ass that I got today...
and may I sleep tonight.
the video relates to my earlier sentiments about religion:
Next time you point a finger...I'll point you to the mirror. If God's the game that you're playing, well we must get more acquainted. Because it has to be so lonely to be the only one who's holy. It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in...you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you.
