Baby Steps

Mood:  ...moving on....slowly but surely




This feels totally surreal.  I am writing my final blog from behind my desk.  I honestly can't believe I even typed that sentence just now.  It feels....weird.  I suppose there is some relief.  There is a TON of anxiety about finding another job....and I wish I could be advancing my career.  But given the current economic climate, and my financial situation...I'll take just getting a job for right now.  


And of course, there is excitement at getting to sleep next to my fiance for more than 2 nights out of a week.  That's a definite plus to blogging behind the desk for the last time.  But it just doesn't feel quite right.  Perhaps it's because I'm still sitting with all my boxes around me...as a complete outsider it would be hard to tell if I was moving in or out at the moment.  The shelves are mainly empty with the exception of the materials I've promised to leave behind.  My desk drawers are cleaned out and have only the bare essential office supplies and those files that were here upon my arrival.  And I can actually see the desk....which is...really unsettling to me honestly.  It's really huge.


Quite honestly I've gotten my work done.  I've made the contact lists, the notes, the curriculum is ordered.  It's really just me waiting for a meeting at 7:00 now.  Once that meeting is over...I'm...officially done.  I've gotten my last paycheck (for the foreseeable future and the majority is already spoken for) and I've already said my goodbyes.


Which I suck at.  By saying "goodbye" I really mean that I...well...I didn't really say goodbye at all.  I held back a lot of tears.  At some point they'll be falling...but not today.  Maybe tonight.  Who knows.


I don't have much to say at this point...I'm at a really uncomfortable place right now.  Ready to move on but stuck until later this evening.  As I'm incredibly impatient...this is about the worst case scenario that leaving this office could have been.  Oh well.


I'll get through the meeting.  And then I'll move on.  If it's not too late I'll head to Jeff and cuddle up next to him and KNOW this is a necessary step towards our future together.  If it's too late to drive 2.5 hours...I'll crash at my grandparents.  Watch some shitty tv until I'm ready to pass out.  Journal.  Maybe cry.  Probably eat some chocolate (they ALWAYS have candy) and generally indulge in "feel good" activities.  


For today...being nice means packing up the office....and actually moving it into the car.  And sitting with the discomfort that is uncertainty of the future.  And knowing that I've made the right decision for myself and my new family.


Amen. 

Over My Head

Mood:  overwhelmed, excited, tired, happy


I still have no internet at the apartment.  Apparently that will be taking place on Thursday, which cannot come soon enough.


As it has been a long time since I've blogged you may or may not know that I have finally started a CAREER.  Not a job...a career.  A full time position with health benefits, AND a pension plan.  But nerdy me likes the fact that I have my OWN office best of all.  I am now the Director of Christian Education at Lakeside Presbyterian church in Storm Lake, Iowa.  It took me 4 years after graduating from college, 2 years after leaving seminary...but I finally have a "real" job.  And it was worth the wait (so far, I haven't even worked a full day yet....).


I am beyond excited at starting this amazing opportunity and can only praise God for placing me here.  Truth is, patience is something I don't have a whole lot of...but I waited this out and I couldn't be happier.


So I'm decorating my office making things look "pretty" with Caitlyn and we're listening to The Fray...and all of a sudden I realize that I'm totally in over my head (the song with the same title helped put that idea in my head though).  Seriously...I have no idea what I'm doing.  Sure, my mom was a CE Director and a pastor.  And yeah, I went to seminary.  But the truth is...I have NO CLUE what I'm doing.  It doesn't help that I'm still working at the manor during my 2 week transition period and I can't devote all my time to the church....but I'm lost.  Honestly.


However, I have a sense that I'm going to be okay.  And I have this completely safe feeling that while I may be overwhelmed, and have no idea what's going to happen...I'm going to be able to handle it.  Not because I'm innately skilled in this area...not because I'm just the best damn Christian educator ever...but because I truly believe with all my heart in God's amazing and ever present grace.  It is abundant...faithful...and constant. 


And if the ONLY thing I accomplish in the field of Christian education is letting children/young adults know that they are special, and loved, and have value...I've done my work. 

Better...

It's come to my attention recently that my current situation sucks.  And not just mine...but this is a corporate suckage.  The world economy is beyond terrible.    Job markets everywhere are...well...becoming extinct.  Those of us fortunate to have a job are most likely underemployed.  Or dealing with low pay, no health insurance, horrible hours and work morale is just...awful.  People choose daily whether to pay rent and keep a roof over his/her head or go see a doctor.  Life isn't easy.  We're all struggling to "make it better" and to ensure that our children won't be faced with a life this hard.

It's human nature to want "better" for those we love, especially those that we expect to love that will come after us.  But where do we draw the line?  At what cost do we keep getting "better" and making things "better?"  And when did "better" automatically equal "more expensive?"  I just pray that my children get some kind of education...and they'll be able to work.

Anyway...so I started thinking.  Then I got mad.  I've never considered myself a patriot.  Sure, I live in America and I love the privileges I've enjoyed.  But I'm not exactly a poster child for the American Dream.  In fact, I think America no longer has a dream.

And that's where the inspiration for this blog came.  I am mad.  I am disheartened.  Disgusted and depressed.  The list of adjectives runs on.  So how to be happy?  

Change the way I think of a better life.  In this economy, success may not be defined as owning a home and a new car for me.  Maybe, it's working a job that gives me peace (even at severe financial cost to myself) and living on my own in a small apartment.  Maybe, it's lighting a good smelling candle while working on my dream life.  Maybe, "better" is just doing some small thing every single day that makes me happier.

My hypothesis is that by making myself happier, I'll have a positive impact on those around me.  So, everyday, no matter how angry or sad or depressed I am, I will do at least ONE thing to make myself happy or "better."   And each day I will blog on what I did that day.  If I'm seeing any impact.  Hopefully there will eventually be comments that will prove this hypothesis to be fact. 

So my thing for today was beginning this blog.  During my trip to India I remember crying in a group discussion.  We were talking about what we had learned and I remember this amazing woman ask me why I was crying.  In front of all my classmates, new Indian friends, and reputable scholars I sobbed that I had no idea how to affect change when I returned home.  I could change my thoughts, my actions...but I couldn't do anything about the "bigger picture."  And the woman looked at me kindly and said "it gives hope that you even want to [change the world] and you should take pride in that.  Change at any level begins with one, and you might not see it return to you., but the changes you make in yourself will change the world."  Those words have never left me, and hopefully they never will.  So I blog for a better today.  And pray for a better tomorrow.