So as an avid (and slightly obsessive) watcher of ANY show that involves the word "wedding," I understand the process of planning one is stressful. And that attempting to plan one in 5 months....YIPES. But at least Jeff and I have the support of our friends and family, and I have an awesome network of friends who work in the business (okay so like...2 people really) that have been beyond helpful in making some pretty amazing stuff happen in under one month of the official engagement.
Venue for ceremony/reception? Check. Photographer? Check. Colors? Check. Dress? Check. So we're missing some super important stuff like...food and beverages and a dj and cake and flowers...but we'll totally get there. It's just...
Weddings are emotional. It's inherent. I think it's one of the reasons I would totally love to work in event (particularly wedding) planning. There is so much creativity, thought, love, and individualization that goes into every wedding that it's a truly amazing thing to see. Even when they're the ugly redneck weddings that make me want to bash my head in....I mean...they're nothing if not original.
The thing about emotion is...well...there's good and bad. And wedding planning brings out the extremes of both. When you're working, planning from a distance via e-mail and Skype, and living 2.5 hours away from your future husband...things are bound to get stressful. It's just...the stress from the middle of last week to today....ASTRONOMICAL. I can't even describe it. I've felt stress...and I've had my fair share of anxiety battles and bouts of depression...but....this is a totally new kinda feeling. Because I don't want to allow myself to be stressed about it. I want it just to be this magical and happy time. Nothing sad or hard to deal with...
And as I was sitting here feeling kinda sorry for myself (not JUST about wedding stress) I realized that there are people going through things a million times harder. And I'm not even talking famine, war, persecution, enslavement. I'm talking people that I talk to on a daily basis. It's hard for some of us to just wake up in the morning and get out of the damn bed.
Last week when I was super stressed I did what I always do. I pouted. Cried. Called Mommy, Caitlyn, and the womans (Christie...she does have a name). Then I listened to music. And it's almost always Something Corporate or Jack's Mannequin that I go to first. There's something so soothing about having all your emotions described in a song. And their songs aren't particularly happy. But they are hopeful. Last week the song that was in my head was Swim by Jack's Mannequin. So I listened. And cried. And listened again. Then I did my other go to move when I'm stressed and sad and don't know what else to do. I colored.
The song is about...well...swimming. But it's really about just managing to keep living. And to not give up. The lead singer was diagnosed with cancer at 23...super serious leukemia type cancer (and that's the technical term!)....and this song came out of that. There's always some beauty in suffering. And our trials make us who we are and who we will become.
So allow your heart to get broken. Breakdown when you need to. Move across the country. Make mistakes...and make tons of them. But NEVER give up. It always gets better. ALWAYS. If you can just find the strength to keep moving...or swimming...it GETS BETTER. As I write this I think of last year around summertime when I blogged about just keeping on and having hope that everything would get better. I wrote right after I realized that ending my life would NOT be the solution to whatever crappy shit was plaguing me at that time. So I did the only thing I could do...I kept going...and it hurt. And I hurt for a long time, a lot. And I still do some days....but today I'm writing stressed but happy and...engaged. Healthy...and above all else...alive.
My nice thing in this blog? Being brutally honest. It's something I'm learning as an engaged woman. Apparently it's important to the whole communication thing. Here are the lyrics to the song. I'm posting the video too...but if you don't dig Jack's then just read the lyrics. They're beautiful, inspiring, and they're honest.
Back to wedding planning via e-mail and text...but I've got my Jack's playing in the background and my picture in front of me. A support system in place, and a smile on my face...
You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim
You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim
