I Statements

Mood:  shattered

I'll be honest, while this blog IS about changing the world by changing MY world...it's also to help me grow and move past my past.  To take things one day at a time and remember that there is good in every single day even if it's just a cup of coffee or a quick walk.  But I'm finding myself sometimes just glazing over my feelings on the blog in order to still be doing "nice things."  And that's definitely not what I intended for this blog to do to me.

So my nice thing for today is to be honest with myself about everything I'm feeling and why.  And how to combat it most effectively.  As I'm feeling sick (again!) today I decided to work on curriculum from home.  I actually have more resources here than at my office anyway.  But since I'm home I can completely and openly honor every feeling that I have without having to "wait" until an appropriate time to be upset or angry or sad.  

Last night I cried for the first time in months.  Like, sobbing uncontrollably cried.  My eyes are still puffy this morning...but I needed that cry.  There's just so much change going on (good, bad, exciting, scary) and I've worked two 10+ hour days this week already so I was exhausted and frustrated and my body had had it.  And I cried.  I cried for how sad I felt, I cried for not having my parent's bed to crawl into, I cried for the loss of a good friend (where are you?!?!?), I cried for how lonely I feel, I cried for the rejected 15 year old version of me, I cried for the ONLY girl who didn't attend Millersville homecoming this year.  I cried for the girl standing on the sidelines...the girl I didn't think I was anymore.

And this morning...rather than decide I was just "over it," I'm going to honor that girl.  I'm going to make her feel secure.  And safe.  And I'm going to let her know that I love her.  

And if all else fails I'll look at the present I was given last night by one of my wonderful LOGOS kids

I love silly bandz...even if I am 26.  And if the silly band fails (though that's doubtful) I have this precious little face to remind me that I am special and needed:

Even if she gets annoyed with my phone in her face taking pictures, she'll lick me ten seconds later until I can't feel my hand. 

Feeling sad isn't always bad.  Wallowing...not so good...but being honest about what's going on...cathartic.  So today I'm going to work on the Genesis story for children (suggestions and advice welcomed) and organizing and cleaning the apartment while I'm home for the day.  And I'm going to be honest about what's going on with me.  I can't effectively minister to others if I can't minister to myself.