Free Bird

Mood:  liberated...sort of

Not only is this an EPIC song (thank you Skynard)...but it's also about how I'm feeling right now.  If you follow the blog, talk to me, or are a friend on Facebook (and if none of the above apply then you'll find out right now) you know that my sister and I are moving to a nearby town in the next couple of days.  The move was actually supposed to begin tomorrow, with Caitlyn and I hauling loads from the grandparent's house to the new apartment and then Mommy arriving on Labor day to bring things from PA and help us set everything up.

Well, the move date got pushed back until Sunday (or even Monday) and so we're at a bit of a standstill.  I mean, there's still a ton of packing to be done so there's plenty of things that we need to do...but at the same time it feels like all I see are bags and boxes piling up into scary mountains and there's nowhere to go with them besides the cars (which are both getting ridiculously full).

So, anyway, after I came home from work today (feeling sick and slightly depressed) I learned that Cait's been getting a guilt trip all morning at home for moving into an apartment with me rather than going back home to her old job.  This angered me on about a million levels.  So I crawled into bed and pouted for a while in an attempt to alleviate the headache that got exponentially worse...and then felt guilty for wallowing and mad for having to wallow...and this cycle continued for about 30 minutes.  Exhausted by anger and pity, I called my mom to make me feel better, and in her infinite wisdom she reminded me that I'm only as chained up and shackled as I let myself be.  While on the phone with my mom I reached down and adjusted my necklace, which happened to be a bird.  

And today's nice thing for myself was upon me.  Today, I give myself the gift of freedom...if only for a few hours.  You see, it's tricky to truly be free from horrible thoughts, or emotions or even physical situations...but you ARE only as chained as you allow yourself to get.  I've done plenty of shackling of myself...and a TON of work freeing myself.  Extricating my being from people, places, things, memories, thoughts...the list is endless.  In the process I've lost some things but gained more than I could ever imagine.  

Freedom, to me, is something Jim Morrison (and countless others) once said: the power to be yourself.  And so, even if I forget this nice thing tomorrow and though I am still physically trapped...today I am giving myself full permission to be myself.  And to be free.  (And to listen to Free Bird sober for once...)