Clean

Mood:  Calm but apprehensive.  Pensive.  Introverted.  Impatient.

So I did not blog yesterday.  That doesn't mean I didn't do a good thing for myself.  I did.  After a night of emotional breakdowns and soul-searching and LOTS of tears....I put in "17 Again" and went to bed early.  After eating the classic comfort food, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (spirals!!).  Literally, I could not have asked my body to do anything nicer for itself than to relax after the stress I put on it.

And I'm glad I did.   Because, while I did not make it to the gym at 6:00....as I was still sleeping....but I did wake rested.  Refreshed.  Not restored and renewed...but I'll get there.  And I'll get to the gym tomorrow morning.  So I got up, got ready, and went to work.  

I had neither a good day nor a bad day at work.  At times I felt oddly peaceful and calm...and at other moments I was frantically calling Caitlyn to bring me some anxiety meds (which I left at home this morning).  So it was a mixed day.  However, the second I set foot into my grandmother's house...I was riddled with anxiety.  I ran errands with Caitlyn (and picked up some Chai tea for tomorrow morning!!!) and once I was out of the house I felt accomplished and better.  And then...I was out of places to go that wouldn't require money...or torture me because I couldn't afford anything in a store (or to go to a movie or eat out or....) and I FREAKED out when I came home again.  And then it hit me that my nice thing for myself today...would be to find a quiet spot where I could write, or draw, or just be...and feel calm not anxious.

So Cait and I headed down to a small park near our house and the lake.  It's got a great breeze and a wonderful little picnic tables and a beautiful view of the lake.  The weather is absolutely gorgeous today (remarkably) and I figured it would be good to get some sunshine, feel the breeze, and listen to the waves.  

Which is exactly what we did.  Cait did some paperwork (how grown up of her!!) and I prayed and colored.  And we talked and laughed and felt good.  Upon completion of her paperwork, Caitlyn headed back to the house to attend to other business...and I decided to stay behind.  I was working on a prayer that I wanted to finish.  But as she left and I sat in silence with the winds and waves...I was drawn to the water.  It's a little known fact that I am terrified of water.  I have a severe fear of waves.  The movie "Blue Crush" was not supposed to be a horror flick...but it was to me.  So with some trepidation I walked onto the public dock.  And I gingerly sat.  The view instantly calmed me.  How have I lived here for a year and not noticed how gorgeous it is?

Not sure why that's sideways....but it is.  Deal.  Anyway.  So as I edged near the end of the dock I was positive my weight would crush it and I was going to die.  When I didn't...I sat again.  And put my feet over the edge of the dock.  And slowly...I found myself involuntarily splashing my legs in the water.  And there was laughter.  It took me a minute to realize I was laughing.  Out loud.  Loudly.  Joyously.

I sat there for nearly half an hour.  Thinking.  Laughing.  Remembering.  Not thinking.  Watching.  Listening.  Breathing.  Living.  

That was my gift to myself today.  A complete reconnection with the world around me.  With the natural beauty that surrounds me everyday that I just drive past or hurry Maddie past.  I am honestly still at a loss for words at my experience at the lake today.  I felt Jesus wash my feet as the waves broke around them.  I watched him ask to make me a fisher of men as a fish popped up from the surface of the water, flipped, and returned to home.  I breathed with the wind and moved with the clouds.  There is something intensely divine and sacred in nature...and I remembered that today.  I pray everybody remembers that.  Amen.