Mood: energized
Today has been pretty amazing. Jeff and I don't have Malcolm this weekend (boooooooooooo), but we did have a pretty awesome day date. This week I read about the Ames Public Library book sale, and since Jeff and I are both nerds we figured it'd be worth checking out. So when I woke up this morning our plan was to go look at some books, and hit up The Dark Knight Rises as Jeff loves Batman.
I also plotted to get Jeff into Hobby Lobby for some crafting supplies, but that was way easy. Next time I'll go for something a little harder....perhaps a suuuuuuuuuuuuuper girly movie or the ballet (though he has already agreed to that as well.....).
Anyway. The book sale was okay. It was fun because I love hanging out with Jeff, but it wasn't impressive. It was only fiction and I did pick up some pretty sweet books...a book for Malcolm titled No Zombies Allowed and an autographed (I think this one was on the sale table by accident!) copy of Buddha of Suburbia by Hanif Kureishi. All in all it was definitely something I'm glad we did. Since we had time before the movie, we stopped in at Hobby Lobby and I cannot wait to post pics of the finished crafts. Then it was off to the movies.
If you read this blog and you know me you'll know my knowledge of Batman is...limited to say the least. I honestly know nothing more than the following: Adam West, Robin, the batmobile, Bruce Wayne, and he's an orphan. Oh...and he was once played by George Clooney opposite Alicia Silverstone and those particular portrayals upset fans. I have seen (though not the entire movie straight through) The Dark Knight. Can I just say that I love Aaron Eckhart and whoa Heath Ledger....serious talent. Anyway. So I did see it. And it was phenomenal. I was pretty psyched to see the last of the trilogy (even though I've only seen the 2nd installment....) and it did not disappoint. I'm not a movie critic, but go see it. Drop what you're doing...well finish this post first...and go see this movie!
Earlier this morning Jeff and I had a conversation about theology, apocalyptic literature, and pop culture. In seminary I once wrote a paper about the book of Revelation and the South Park Movie: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut. I wish I had the paper and could recall all the details, but I'll settle for what I remember. We were asked to write a paper explaining the book...and what it meant for it's time in context...to a layperson with no theological training. Read "do not use fancy seminarian jargon." I remember that I used the South Park movie and that I got an A...but I don't recall much else. As I sat and watched Christian Bale (drooooool) brood around as Batman, I was struck by how much theology one can find in this movie. In all superhero movies actually. Sometimes with all the pomp and circumstance regarding religions it's easy to forget how easily it all boils down. And when reduced to the basics all major religions can be summed up as follows:
Do the next right thing. Put one foot in front of the other. Stand for good, especially if it means standing alone. Have faith that ANYTHING is possible, and be selfless.
That's one of the things I admire about superheros...Batman included. They conceal identities and not just because spandex is awesome. As Bruce Wayne puts it "anybody can be a hero..."
In a world where up feels like down and it can be hard to gain perspective...it's important to remember that there ARE good people. We may not have a caped billionaire patrolling 5th Ave. but that doesn't mean we can't fight the good fight.
On a day when all I wanted out of life was a smile on my face and a new book for cheap, I got so much more. I was reminded that humanity isn't a lost cause. Sure, there are plenty of things that just make no sense to me and I feel like we live in a time where nothing is sacred, but I have faith that things will get better. If for no other reason than this, as individuals we DO make a difference. And it can be monumental.
2012/07/28
2012/07/15
Life Lessons....Vol. #487
Mood: "the words she served destroyed my planet...."
When I was younger I remember my mother and father telling me that rights are not the same as privileges. This confused me because the words are quite often used either in conjunction or interchangeably. In fact, I just visited Merriam Webster where I read the word "right" in the very definition of the word "privilege."
The concept has stuck with me, however. I still struggle with what exactly the two words are...and what things in my life are rights versus privileges. The obvious things, the right to free speech, the right to vote...those things absolutely are still privileges. Then there are things that I'm not sure are often considered as rights or privileges. Like family.
I've been stuck in my head for a week and I keep coming back to the idea of family as a right. Everybody has the RIGHT to a family, right? Biological or not, we all surround ourselves with people that constitute, for us, a family. I've just started navigating living with two families as I'm still newly married...and it's incredibly tricky. It's complicated and messy, but I suppose nearly everything gets this way where family is concerned.
I've been wrestling with the idea that family isn't a right, but rather a privilege. Something for which you must work. If you want to belong to a family, you must respect and cherish those with whom you wish to associate. If we take the idea of family for granted, and treat "family" people as merely obstacles to living life our way...then...well...we're kind of left with nothing.
Having two families is confusing at best. It's hard. And it's confusing. But so is growing up. Your allegiances change. I always knew this was destined to happen...even for me who is still trying to stay as young as possible. It's an inevitability that families change. They are not static. As every living thing grows and changes, so does family. Not everybody moves in the same direction at the same time, and sometimes family doesn't always change for the better.
It is in this spirit that I write today. I am heartbroken. Confused. I feel isolated, and unwanted. It sucks to feel this way under any circumstances, but in what should be a happy time...it makes me feel exponentially worse. I know that people change. I know that we all grow up and move on. I just never imagined that blood relations could be so...callous. So calculated and cold.
I have debated for days now on whether to post my feelings on my blog. The sheer desertion and pain that I am experiencing. After crying and discerning for some time, I decided that it's not fair for me to hide how I feel, especially as those involved have already been told. Life is full of surprises, and even the best ones can have negative impacts. On the flip side, every negative has to have a positive, right?
As of now, I have a very bleak view of my current situation and I have virtually no hope that it will change. I do have hope, though, for my future. Because each trial must make us all stronger. And from each challenge comes a growth. Besides, it's high time that I learn NOT to give so much power to hurtful people in my life. Lesson learned the incredibly hard way.
When I was younger I remember my mother and father telling me that rights are not the same as privileges. This confused me because the words are quite often used either in conjunction or interchangeably. In fact, I just visited Merriam Webster where I read the word "right" in the very definition of the word "privilege."
The concept has stuck with me, however. I still struggle with what exactly the two words are...and what things in my life are rights versus privileges. The obvious things, the right to free speech, the right to vote...those things absolutely are still privileges. Then there are things that I'm not sure are often considered as rights or privileges. Like family.
I've been stuck in my head for a week and I keep coming back to the idea of family as a right. Everybody has the RIGHT to a family, right? Biological or not, we all surround ourselves with people that constitute, for us, a family. I've just started navigating living with two families as I'm still newly married...and it's incredibly tricky. It's complicated and messy, but I suppose nearly everything gets this way where family is concerned.
I've been wrestling with the idea that family isn't a right, but rather a privilege. Something for which you must work. If you want to belong to a family, you must respect and cherish those with whom you wish to associate. If we take the idea of family for granted, and treat "family" people as merely obstacles to living life our way...then...well...we're kind of left with nothing.
Having two families is confusing at best. It's hard. And it's confusing. But so is growing up. Your allegiances change. I always knew this was destined to happen...even for me who is still trying to stay as young as possible. It's an inevitability that families change. They are not static. As every living thing grows and changes, so does family. Not everybody moves in the same direction at the same time, and sometimes family doesn't always change for the better.
It is in this spirit that I write today. I am heartbroken. Confused. I feel isolated, and unwanted. It sucks to feel this way under any circumstances, but in what should be a happy time...it makes me feel exponentially worse. I know that people change. I know that we all grow up and move on. I just never imagined that blood relations could be so...callous. So calculated and cold.
I have debated for days now on whether to post my feelings on my blog. The sheer desertion and pain that I am experiencing. After crying and discerning for some time, I decided that it's not fair for me to hide how I feel, especially as those involved have already been told. Life is full of surprises, and even the best ones can have negative impacts. On the flip side, every negative has to have a positive, right?
As of now, I have a very bleak view of my current situation and I have virtually no hope that it will change. I do have hope, though, for my future. Because each trial must make us all stronger. And from each challenge comes a growth. Besides, it's high time that I learn NOT to give so much power to hurtful people in my life. Lesson learned the incredibly hard way.
2012/07/10
Tuesday
Mood: defeated
The last time I blogged I wasn't in a great mood, but I was at least excited. I had a list. I had crossed something off that list! Life was going to be great!
Two days later...I feel...hopeless. I don't like blogging sad or unhappy. I wrote about that already. But I find that if I don't I put it off until I just don't blog ever. And the fact is that nobody is happy all the time. It's just not possible. And I don't mean that everybody gets this upset or angry or depressed or whatever. But everyday stress wears on you and you're tired, frustrated, whatever.
It's a very human experience to be upset. To be sad. To be hurt. I don't know a single person that never feels this way. My problem is that I let it consume me. Totally. One of my favorite things about myself is how passionate I become about ideas and people and places, etc. That's a double edged sword, however. That same passion that can lead me to marvelous things can make me not want to get out of bed in the morning. Ever. For every wonderful thought I can think, there's an equally negative one that will be unearthed later.
And that's where I'm at today. The later. The negative thoughts. The not wanting to get out of bed. But I will. And I'll continue moving forward on my list. Somehow. And someday, I'll get beyond excited about it again and look forward to getting up and starting my day.
The last time I blogged I wasn't in a great mood, but I was at least excited. I had a list. I had crossed something off that list! Life was going to be great!
Two days later...I feel...hopeless. I don't like blogging sad or unhappy. I wrote about that already. But I find that if I don't I put it off until I just don't blog ever. And the fact is that nobody is happy all the time. It's just not possible. And I don't mean that everybody gets this upset or angry or depressed or whatever. But everyday stress wears on you and you're tired, frustrated, whatever.
It's a very human experience to be upset. To be sad. To be hurt. I don't know a single person that never feels this way. My problem is that I let it consume me. Totally. One of my favorite things about myself is how passionate I become about ideas and people and places, etc. That's a double edged sword, however. That same passion that can lead me to marvelous things can make me not want to get out of bed in the morning. Ever. For every wonderful thought I can think, there's an equally negative one that will be unearthed later.
And that's where I'm at today. The later. The negative thoughts. The not wanting to get out of bed. But I will. And I'll continue moving forward on my list. Somehow. And someday, I'll get beyond excited about it again and look forward to getting up and starting my day.
2012/07/08
Goodbye
Mood: anxious, sad
It's never been easy to take Malcolm back to his mother's. I have always had a deep hatred for Sunday nights...since I was in 4th grade or so. I get anxious, I get sad, I get really stuck inside my own head. I've written about it before. No sense beating a dead horse.
Annnnnnyway. Like I said, it is NEVER fun to drive Malcolm an hour away and say goodbye. Especially since we won't get to see him for another 2 weeks. I've been stuck with that thought all day...the waiting to say goodbye. And I really didn't want to be stuck with that cause I had that feeling all week last week. The second I saw my parents Monday afternoon it was a constant battle in my head between enjoying the moment in front of me and wallowing in pity that saying goodbye was imminent and quickly approaching. Wednesday I lost the battle between wallowing and was an irresponsible idiot...but the rest of the week I managed to at least wage the internal war.
Now that Jeff and I have had to say goodbye and returned to our normal routine I can't help but get stuck in the feeling of goodbye. It sucks and I'm horrible at them. I hate saying goodbye. I hate feeling goodbye. I hate picking up and moving on when all I want to do is cry and scream about how it's not fair to have sooooooooooo much love around and have to let go of it all sometimes. Physically, that is.
I've gone back and forth about blogging today. I don't like to blog when I'm really stuck inside my head. When I really can't stop the depressing thoughts. When all I can feel is a constant tightness in my throat and chest and the tears burning my eyes. But it isn't fair for me to expect I can only blog happy (or the new/old blog would have been more successful...) so I decided to go ahead and write tonight.
I have Jeff and that in itself is something to be insanely giddy about. And, I have the list of 101 goals I hope to accomplish in the next 1001 (999 since I already started) days. Here it is readers. Enjoy!
It's never been easy to take Malcolm back to his mother's. I have always had a deep hatred for Sunday nights...since I was in 4th grade or so. I get anxious, I get sad, I get really stuck inside my own head. I've written about it before. No sense beating a dead horse.
Annnnnnyway. Like I said, it is NEVER fun to drive Malcolm an hour away and say goodbye. Especially since we won't get to see him for another 2 weeks. I've been stuck with that thought all day...the waiting to say goodbye. And I really didn't want to be stuck with that cause I had that feeling all week last week. The second I saw my parents Monday afternoon it was a constant battle in my head between enjoying the moment in front of me and wallowing in pity that saying goodbye was imminent and quickly approaching. Wednesday I lost the battle between wallowing and was an irresponsible idiot...but the rest of the week I managed to at least wage the internal war.
Now that Jeff and I have had to say goodbye and returned to our normal routine I can't help but get stuck in the feeling of goodbye. It sucks and I'm horrible at them. I hate saying goodbye. I hate feeling goodbye. I hate picking up and moving on when all I want to do is cry and scream about how it's not fair to have sooooooooooo much love around and have to let go of it all sometimes. Physically, that is.
I've gone back and forth about blogging today. I don't like to blog when I'm really stuck inside my head. When I really can't stop the depressing thoughts. When all I can feel is a constant tightness in my throat and chest and the tears burning my eyes. But it isn't fair for me to expect I can only blog happy (or the new/old blog would have been more successful...) so I decided to go ahead and write tonight.
I have Jeff and that in itself is something to be insanely giddy about. And, I have the list of 101 goals I hope to accomplish in the next 1001 (999 since I already started) days. Here it is readers. Enjoy!
101 in
1001
Long-term
goals
Start
Date: July 6, 2012
End
Date: March 30, 2015
1.
Start blogging again
2.
Maintain blog
3.
Pray in color regularly
4.
Start and KEEP a new journal until it is
full. Start a new one when that is full.
5.
Become a biological mother (if it is in God’s
plan)
6.
Add a Pomeranian to the family
7.
Be settled (everything out of boxes) into our
first house
8.
Host a holiday party in our first home
9.
Take Jeff and Malcolm to New York City during
Christmas time
10. Find a
place to worship
11.
Make a statement necklace by myself
12. Completely
reread the Bible
13. Lose and
keep off 30 pounds
14. Make “safe
for Jeff” chocolate chip cookies
15.
Enroll in a graduate program
16. Make a
piece of clothing by hand
17.
Create a family calendar to send to parents at
the holidays
18. Write a
Christmas/holiday letter and cards for 2012 and mail to all people on our
wedding invite list ON TIME
19. Make a “Lilland”
piece of art to hang on the walls in our house
20. Put wedding
photos in frames and display
21. Visit the
capitol building in Des Moines
22. Get lines
of my heart tattoo cleaned up
23. Purchase
and relearn how to use a sewing machine
24. Read an
entire book on marriage
25. Get rid
of (permanently) clothes that have not been worn in 3 months or more
26. Spend a
day organizing make-up and cleaning brushes and bags…give away all colors that
have never been or will not be worn
27. Learn how
to make mom’s Irish stew by heart
28. Find a
method to control nail polish storage clutter
29. Become a
member at a gym
30. Find a
couple with whom we can double date
31. Plan a
romantic weekend for Jeff and I
32. Continue
moving forward in career…no moving backward no matter how scary or hard going
forward is
33. Bake homemade
bread
34. Refurbish
at least one piece of furniture for living space
35. Make throw
pillows by myself
36. Purchase
the entire Scrubs series on DVD
37. Visit
Myth lounge in Omaha with Jeff
38. Master
making pie crust and bake an apple pie from scratch in the fall
39. Get a
couples massage with Jeff
40. Write something
with Jeff
41. Reread the
entire Harry Potter series
42. Dedicate
one month to cleaning something every single day
43. Learn how
to make an authentic Indian curry
44. Develop
a family emergency binder and emergency preparedness kit
45. Take dance
lessons
46. Spend a
weekend in Vegas with Jeff
47. Find a
style of meditation that works for me
48. See a
ballet in person
49. Transfer
contacts from online storage to handwritten leather address book
50. Make a
glittered Starbucks cup
51.
Spend a day skiing
52. Play a
game of miniature golf
53. Learn how
to prepare hollandaise sauce
54. Make an
entire dinner out of appetizers
55. Use chik-fil-a
recipe for Malcolm and Jeff on a weekend
56. Whiten my
teeth
57. Spend one
month doing Pilates every single day
58. Attend
a yoga class
59. Make a
traditional Irish dinner
60. Decide on
a charity with Jeff to donate to
61. Take Malcolm
to Adventureland and ride roller coasters
62. Make my
own homemade body scrub
63. Read a
book on managing personal finances
64. Write creatively
every day for a month
65. Spend one
week without facebook
66. Buy an
investment little black dress
67. Participate
in a 5k
68. Invest in
a new flat iron
69. Avoid fast
food for one month
70. Donate blood
71.
Go shopping for antiques on a Saturday
72. Bake and
decorate Christmas cookies with Malcolm
73. Craft
my own wire knot ring
74. Buy a
classic, red Chanel lipstick
75. Watch the
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade
76. Visit the
Iowa State Fair
77. Go to
Tulip Time in Pella and send Dutch letters home to Pennsylvania
78. Get a
kitten for Malcolm
79. Learn how
to curl my own hair with a flat iron
80.Spend one month doing random
acts of kindness for strangers
81. Read “Love
Wins” by Rob Bell
82. Tour a
brewery
83. Beat Super
Mario Bros. on Wii
84. Learn how
to play chess
85. Send a
piece of writing in for publication
86. Attend a
KU men’s basketball game in Lawrence at Allen Fieldhouse
87. Watch the
original “Star Wars”
88.Color every page in a coloring
book…even if I don’t like the picture
89. Buy a
pair of Tom’s
90. Wake up
and take a random day trip to an unplanned destination
91. Upcycle
a pair of old flared jeans to make them a colored skinny pair
92. Locate a
ballet class or order DVDs online and start ballet again
93. Finish reading
“An Altar in the World” by Barbara Brown Taylor
94. Spend a
weekend going through wardrobe and get rid of sloppy, college clothes to start
putting together a more polished one
95. Find an
organization to volunteer with
96. Spend an
afternoon at a winery
97. Take a
self-defense class
98. Redesign
and personalize blog to increase traffic
99. Spend one
month getting up earlier to stretch, and put together a polished look each day
100.
Send out all Christmas 2012 presents BEFORE
Christmas
101.
Break addiction to caffeine gradually
2012/07/07
Heat Wave
Mood: accomplished
I'm hot. Sooooooooooooooooo hot. Then again, I'm certain the vast majority of the country feels me on that one. If you know me then you know that heat + Ashley just don't mix. At all. Ever. At least for ANY extended periods of time. By which I mean, oh say, 10 minutes. I managed to sit for over 1 hour in the heat on the 4th for the parade since it was just so fun watching Malcolm...but kids do make us do crazy things that we once deemed impossible.
Anyway. I left the house today once. For right under an hour. And about 5 minutes of that time was spent outside. If that. From house to car, car to store, store to car, car to house. That was it.
Even though I only left the house for a minimal amount of time, I feel pretty good. The day has certainly had it's ups and downs. There was a panic attack in the car (yikes!) but there was also the Malcolm and Jeff surprise I got this morning:
I took a nap. And made a pretty sweet dinner (thanks Daddy for your marinade recipe!). But the thing of which I am most proud is my 101 in 1001 list. It's not quite finished (18 to go!) but it's a good start. I'm really excited about this list of goals. I feel energized and refreshed. Some of the list is scary to think about doing...my #15 is particularly terrifying...and some of it is just plain fun. I'll post it here when it's finished. That gives me a certain level of accountability...which I do need.
I can't wait to get a start on this list (though by blogging again, I already have!) especially since I can do some of it now...and still avoid the heat!
I'm hot. Sooooooooooooooooo hot. Then again, I'm certain the vast majority of the country feels me on that one. If you know me then you know that heat + Ashley just don't mix. At all. Ever. At least for ANY extended periods of time. By which I mean, oh say, 10 minutes. I managed to sit for over 1 hour in the heat on the 4th for the parade since it was just so fun watching Malcolm...but kids do make us do crazy things that we once deemed impossible.
Anyway. I left the house today once. For right under an hour. And about 5 minutes of that time was spent outside. If that. From house to car, car to store, store to car, car to house. That was it.
Even though I only left the house for a minimal amount of time, I feel pretty good. The day has certainly had it's ups and downs. There was a panic attack in the car (yikes!) but there was also the Malcolm and Jeff surprise I got this morning:
I took a nap. And made a pretty sweet dinner (thanks Daddy for your marinade recipe!). But the thing of which I am most proud is my 101 in 1001 list. It's not quite finished (18 to go!) but it's a good start. I'm really excited about this list of goals. I feel energized and refreshed. Some of the list is scary to think about doing...my #15 is particularly terrifying...and some of it is just plain fun. I'll post it here when it's finished. That gives me a certain level of accountability...which I do need.
I can't wait to get a start on this list (though by blogging again, I already have!) especially since I can do some of it now...and still avoid the heat!
2012/07/06
Home (Again)
Mood: nostalgic
So. It's been a long time, eh? It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post, period. I miss that. The writing. The reflection. The keeping in touch with people....feeling connected.
Here's my life in a nutshell. I got married. I started a new blog for my new life. I realized that being married certainly was the start of a new life, but it's also the blending of an "old" life.
Has being married been what I thought it was going to be? Maybe. Maybe not. It's been wonderful and challenging and humbling and fun. It's without a doubt the hardest, but subsequently most rewarding, thing that I have ever done.
My parents left Ankeny this morning to head back to Pennsylvania after 3.5 days together. The last time we saw each other in person was at Jeff and I's wedding. I couldn't help but think about all of that as we were reunited. What I was feeling last year, what I'm feeling now. I can't lie and say that I'm not homesick or I don't miss my family. Being separated from them is terrible. But...I have an amazing life that I'm building out here with Jeff and Malcolm and sometimes I'm smart enough to realize how truly blessed I am. This picture helps:
So. It's been a long time, eh? It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post, period. I miss that. The writing. The reflection. The keeping in touch with people....feeling connected.
Here's my life in a nutshell. I got married. I started a new blog for my new life. I realized that being married certainly was the start of a new life, but it's also the blending of an "old" life.
Has being married been what I thought it was going to be? Maybe. Maybe not. It's been wonderful and challenging and humbling and fun. It's without a doubt the hardest, but subsequently most rewarding, thing that I have ever done.
My parents left Ankeny this morning to head back to Pennsylvania after 3.5 days together. The last time we saw each other in person was at Jeff and I's wedding. I couldn't help but think about all of that as we were reunited. What I was feeling last year, what I'm feeling now. I can't lie and say that I'm not homesick or I don't miss my family. Being separated from them is terrible. But...I have an amazing life that I'm building out here with Jeff and Malcolm and sometimes I'm smart enough to realize how truly blessed I am. This picture helps:
I just now read the last few entries on this blog. It was....bizarre. I was so sure I knew what marriage held for Jeff and I....and to some extent I was right. I KNEW that marriage was going to be a journey, a lifetime of working together and figuring out how to live faithfully to each other. Learning to love and honor both each other...and ourselves as individuals. And learning to be a mother has been the most humbling experience of my life.
Without a doubt or a second's hesitation I can say that I would do everything about the wedding and planning and marriage and last year the exact same way. Of course there are wedding details I can criticize or words I wish I had never said to Jeff. But even those small details and stupid fights helped get me to today. July 6, 2012.
And while it's a sad day (I hate saying goodbye especially to Mommy and Daddy)...it's cathartic to write here again. I'm in the process of making a "101 in 1001" list. It is comprised (or will be when it's finished) of 101 goals I want to accomplish in the next 1001 days from being in a house to baking new recipes. And the very first thing on the list was to start blogging again....
I have been beating myself up forever for not blogging. The truth is...I do love being married. And I love the life I'm living. But the blog I set up...I felt pressured by my own title...that I picked out. This blog is home. My home. My new home with my new(ish) title of wife and "mom." And it is oh so good to be back.
2011/10/06
Home is....
Check it out
http://ablilland.blogspot.com/2011/10/home-is.html
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http://ablilland.blogspot.com/2011/10/home-is.html
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