Baby Steps

Mood:  ...moving on....slowly but surely




This feels totally surreal.  I am writing my final blog from behind my desk.  I honestly can't believe I even typed that sentence just now.  It feels....weird.  I suppose there is some relief.  There is a TON of anxiety about finding another job....and I wish I could be advancing my career.  But given the current economic climate, and my financial situation...I'll take just getting a job for right now.  


And of course, there is excitement at getting to sleep next to my fiance for more than 2 nights out of a week.  That's a definite plus to blogging behind the desk for the last time.  But it just doesn't feel quite right.  Perhaps it's because I'm still sitting with all my boxes around me...as a complete outsider it would be hard to tell if I was moving in or out at the moment.  The shelves are mainly empty with the exception of the materials I've promised to leave behind.  My desk drawers are cleaned out and have only the bare essential office supplies and those files that were here upon my arrival.  And I can actually see the desk....which is...really unsettling to me honestly.  It's really huge.


Quite honestly I've gotten my work done.  I've made the contact lists, the notes, the curriculum is ordered.  It's really just me waiting for a meeting at 7:00 now.  Once that meeting is over...I'm...officially done.  I've gotten my last paycheck (for the foreseeable future and the majority is already spoken for) and I've already said my goodbyes.


Which I suck at.  By saying "goodbye" I really mean that I...well...I didn't really say goodbye at all.  I held back a lot of tears.  At some point they'll be falling...but not today.  Maybe tonight.  Who knows.


I don't have much to say at this point...I'm at a really uncomfortable place right now.  Ready to move on but stuck until later this evening.  As I'm incredibly impatient...this is about the worst case scenario that leaving this office could have been.  Oh well.


I'll get through the meeting.  And then I'll move on.  If it's not too late I'll head to Jeff and cuddle up next to him and KNOW this is a necessary step towards our future together.  If it's too late to drive 2.5 hours...I'll crash at my grandparents.  Watch some shitty tv until I'm ready to pass out.  Journal.  Maybe cry.  Probably eat some chocolate (they ALWAYS have candy) and generally indulge in "feel good" activities.  


For today...being nice means packing up the office....and actually moving it into the car.  And sitting with the discomfort that is uncertainty of the future.  And knowing that I've made the right decision for myself and my new family.


Amen.