Just Own the Night

   

Mood:  sleepy, anxious, unsure, insecure

I'm not the popular girl.  I'm the chubby girl that smiles while crying inside.  I'm the girl that does homework for the jock hoping he'll at least notice that she is pretty.  I'm the girl that lets other people tell her who she is and who she  will be.

At least 16 year old me is.  And I find that often, she's been hanging out with me again.  She'll always be a part of me.  I'll never 100% believe that I'm beautiful no matter how confident I feel.  I'm always going to have this gnawing anxiety that I could be better.  That I SHOULD be better.  That 16 year old me might take back over any day and run my life again.  

 But then I have moments of clarity where I realize that I am beautiful.  And smart.  And funny.  And that even if there are 15 guys who don't see it...there will be one that will.  And as long as I believe in me...the rest will fall into place.

Today's nice thing was a complete accident.  I thought it might be the 2-3 hours of cleaning Caitlyn and I did (the fridge is spotless as is the stove and EVERY dish in the apartment is clean).  When that didn't give me the "happy nice" thing I was seeking I thought it might be the 4 episodes of How I Met Your Mother that we watched to reward ourselves for being so cleanly.  That didn't do it either.  So after having taken an internet break for the last 2/3 days unless necessary...I was screwing around and remembered I wanted to watch a Youtube.  Enter my nice thing.  

I couldn't get the video to go where I wanted it to in this blog so if you watched it first you probably know what my nice thing is.  Or not.  It's related though.  Even if my breasts (okay I know it's her heart...) don't actually spew fireworks...my soul does now.  And today, as with everyday I will continue to tell the 16 year old me to kindly shut up...we've grown up.  And baby, we're fireworks.  (if you didn't watch the video please do so now.)