Lonely

Mood: sick, lonely, shattered, broken

Today I was once more confined to my bed.  My ears are worse today (I'm thinking infection) as is my throat (strep maybe?).  And while I always THINK I want more free time to do "nothing" with...I'm actually horrible at it.  So after surfing through some curriculum for work...and thinking re-working a discussion for tomorrow night...I was left with nothing but my thoughts for the day.  And honestly, my head is a pretty lonely place these days.

I broke up with the ex nearly 3 years ago.  I've been single for 3 years.  And I've been alone for almost 3 years.  Most of the time I didn't mind.  I needed space to grow into my own person (which I have) and I needed to learn who I was outside of a relationship.  I mean...the ex and I dated for close to 7 years.  There were so many life altering things that happened during those 7 years that I kind of grew dependent on at least having somebody physically present with me in turmoil (even if he was miles away emotionally...and let's face it if you know the story he was physically missing most of the time too....).  But at least I had somebody to face things with me.  Somebody who wasn't family...you need that, you know?  

Then there comes a time when you need to know that you can handle life's changes (big and small) on your own.  Once you've mastered that?  Well...I'm not sure...cause I'm still alone.  

I think that too often people say that loneliness can be a friend.  I used to believe this myself.  Then I realized that there is a difference between solitude and loneliness and solitude is what can be a friend.  Being in solitude...in quiet...in yourself...that's where you can garner strength and wisdom and empowerment.  But loneliness?  That just leaves you feeling depleted and empty...unwanted.  And there is nothing more lonely than loneliness as a result of a loss of communication.

I've been very honest in my blog in my struggle with feeling lonely.  Sometimes it totally sucks to be the ONE member of the church staff (and committees I'm on) who isn't rushing home to family.  Sometimes it sucks to not be able to go out for a night cause there's nobody to go with (and I'm so tired of going by myself).  Most of all...sometimes it sucks when there's nobody to talk to anymore.  When there's nobody pushing you and believing in you even when they have no reason to...nothing to gain except seeing you smile.  And before this is flooded (by Caitlyn and Mommy...possibly Daddy) about family being those people...let's face it...at some point in life there has to be something other than family.

So, while I spent some of the day reading Glamour...and some desperately seeking a way out of my head...I spent most of it fighting tears that are now threatening to overflow and stain the pillowcase.  And I think my nice thing for today will be to let myself cry instead of trying to shut it down for once.