The Sun Will Forever Keep Rising

Mood: keep rising


A few weeks ago as Jeff and I drove the hour to pick up Malcolm I was singing along in the car to Andrew McMahon and his Jack's Mannequin music. If you know me personally, you will have heard me fangirl about Andrew previously, either I forced you to listen to him, became incredulous that you didn't know who he was or spouted a million reasons why your life would be a million times better with Andrew in it.

Well, not much has changed for me since I was 18 where Andrew is concerned. I still fangirl when I go to his shows (Jeff was greatly amused this summer when we saw him) and his music is still what I listen to when I need to sort out the really big things in my life.

Something Corporate got me through college and the portions of graduate school that I made it through. And his lyrics were there when the program proved just too much for me. My faith shaken, Andrew reminded me that my life had a purpose, and it was okay to spend some time figuring it out. (By the way, I'm STILL working on that).

Something Corporate was the soundtrack to my life the summer I finally left a mentally and physically abusive relationship. Andrew's voice and melodies and words soothed the wounds that were, and some days still are, raw and hurting. 

Jack's Mannequin has seen me through several horrendous bouts of depression, some of which I truly did not want to come out of on the other side. Andrew has said that it's always really heavy for him when people tell him that he saved their lives, and I can only imagine what hearing that must be like. He's said that it's those people that saved themselves and he's glad to have been there, but truly I am not positive I'd be typing this today if it were not for some of his lyrics.

Anyway, as we were driving Jeff joked that I loved Andrew McMahon more than him. Without pausing I said, "No, it's just that he's been in my life for a lot longer than you have."

And that is true. 11 years of music and inspiration later I still feel like I just discovered this man.

Tonight, I'm writing from a lonely place.

Jeff got news that he needs a fourth round of chemotherapy. While we are grateful that he'll celebrate Christmas cancer free, it's a scary time for us. His job put him (without allowing him a choice) on unpaid leave and my freelance writing doesn't exactly bring in the big bucks. Medical bills pile up, regular bills pile up...life does not stop because you get cancer. A cancer expert my dad looked up has been in touch with Jeff to say that the fourth round is unnecessary, so we face a difficult decision. Well, Jeff does at least. I'm here to support him regardless of the decision.

I've been filling my days with taking care of Jeff, Malcolm, the dogs and the day to day things that need to get done. I stay plenty busy. And I'm happy to report that I actually have been making a concerted effort in the weight loss front. It's my nights that are impossible. Jeff is asleep, too tired to sit up for a minute so that he can take his medications. Malcolm is asleep. The dogs are asleep. And I am alone with my thoughts and my fears and my insecurities. And the scariest thing of all: the fear of death. Of Jeff's. Of my husband's. Mourning my grandfather's passing. My professor's life being cut short by his battle with cancer.

I sit alone, night after night in a house filled with noise as I try to cancel out these feelings. These thoughts. The loss and sadness weighs so heavily some nights that I cannot breath without pain in my chest. I know, and 100%, that Jeff will make a full recovery and we will live long and healthy lives.

But at night, when I'm all alone, when the noise can't distract me, I wonder...what it...what if the happy ending looks completely different for Jeff and I? What if my husband dies? Cancer is a really hard thing for people close to you to handle. I am reminded of my infertility struggles. Often, when people don't know what to say, they simply say nothing. And that hurts worse than anything. When you desperately want to know you are not alone, but are far too exhausted and drained to reach out, and all you hear is radio silence. That is the worst.

These nights are lonely. And endless.

But I have Andrew. And the sun will rise and push the loneliness and fear away.

I have written this post several times. And I always end up deleting it for fear of coming across too depressed or too negative. And that is truly not my disposition. Tonight I am feeling scared, but also a little brave. I promised to blog my experience with cancer and I would be remiss if I did not admit that there are moments of the utmost weakness and terror. There are moments where I can simply not hold the tears any longer and I fall to my knees weeping. And there are moments of laughter and happiness and joy.

If you want a small taste of the range of emotions, beautifully composed, listen to "Keep Rising" by Jack's Mannequin. The lyrics follow.

"Keep Rising (Passenger Demo)"

I could feel the pressure drop
And hope was just a broken bridge
And when the clouds refused to stop
They said you'd find the plan for this

And there was no place I could run
Just days without the sun
I was a ghost in waiting
Sleep to dream and hear you saying

Don't be afraid
The rain will make us what we are
And I will keep you sane
Just waiting with me in the dark
Cause this feels a whole lot like living dead

If it's just this song
To keep us in the universe
While the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we could lose this fight

With the love that I'm facing
With the night so long
When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising

So they plugged my wires in
And told me I was born to fight
(Maybe you were born to, maybe you were born to die)
Sometimes the best machines don't win
Could you stay and get me through the night
Cause I'm so afraid.

The rain will make us what we are
Don't let me fade just waited with me in the dark
Cause this feels a whole lot like living dead

It's just this song to keep us in the universe
While the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we could lose this fight
With the love that I'm facing?
With the night so long?
When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising

And we sing
Till we watch the streetlights all fall fast asleep
Yeah we sing till the sun rains down on everything
It's just this song to keep us in the universe
While the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we could lose this fight
With the love that I'm facing
With a night so long

When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising
Keep rising
Keep rising, yeah
The sun will forever keep rising
Keep rising
Keep rising, yeah
The sun will forever keep rising

*Lyrics from www.azlyrics.com

Jeff's Fundraising Page at Give Forward:
http://gfwd.at/19AoOzG

You Gotta Swim...

Mood:  ....swim when it hurts....


So as an avid (and slightly obsessive) watcher of ANY show that involves the word "wedding," I understand the process of planning one is stressful.  And that attempting to plan one in 5 months....YIPES.  But at least Jeff and I have the support of our friends and family, and I have an awesome network of friends who work in the business (okay so like...2 people really) that have been beyond helpful in making some pretty amazing stuff happen in under one month of the official engagement.  


Venue for ceremony/reception?  Check.  Photographer?  Check.  Colors?  Check.  Dress?  Check.  So we're missing some super important stuff like...food and beverages and a dj and cake and flowers...but we'll totally get there.  It's just...


Weddings are emotional.  It's inherent.  I think it's one of the reasons I would totally love to work in event (particularly wedding) planning.  There is so much creativity, thought, love, and individualization that goes into every wedding that it's a truly amazing thing to see.  Even when they're the ugly redneck weddings that make me want to bash my head in....I mean...they're nothing if not original.


The thing about emotion is...well...there's good and bad.  And wedding planning brings out the extremes of both.  When you're working, planning from a distance via e-mail and Skype, and living 2.5 hours away from your future husband...things are bound to get stressful.  It's just...the stress from the middle of last week to today....ASTRONOMICAL.  I can't even describe it.  I've felt stress...and I've had my fair share of anxiety battles and bouts of depression...but....this is a totally new kinda feeling.  Because I don't want to allow myself to be stressed about it.  I want it just to be this magical and happy time. Nothing sad or hard to deal with...


And as I was sitting here feeling kinda sorry for myself (not JUST about wedding stress) I realized that there are people going through things a million times harder.  And I'm not even talking famine, war, persecution, enslavement.  I'm talking people that I talk to on a daily basis.  It's hard for some of us to just wake up in the morning and get out of the damn bed.  


Last week when I was super stressed I did what I always do.  I pouted.  Cried.  Called Mommy, Caitlyn, and the womans (Christie...she does have a name).  Then I listened to music.  And it's almost always Something Corporate or Jack's Mannequin that I go to first.  There's something so soothing about having all your emotions described in a song.  And their songs aren't particularly happy.  But they are hopeful.  Last week the song that was in my head was Swim by Jack's Mannequin.  So I listened.  And cried.  And listened again.  Then I did my other go to move when I'm stressed and sad and don't know what else to do.  I colored.  

The song is about...well...swimming.  But it's really about just managing to keep living.  And to not give up.  The lead singer was diagnosed with cancer at 23...super serious leukemia type cancer (and that's the technical term!)....and this song came out of that.  There's always some beauty in suffering.  And our trials make us who we are and who we will become.  

So allow your heart to get broken.  Breakdown when you need to.  Move across the country.  Make mistakes...and make tons of them.  But NEVER give up.  It always gets better.  ALWAYS.  If you can just find the strength to keep moving...or swimming...it GETS BETTER. As I write this I think of last year around summertime when I blogged about just keeping on and having hope that everything would get better.  I wrote right after I realized that ending my life would NOT be the solution to whatever crappy shit was plaguing me at that time.  So I did the only thing I could do...I kept going...and it hurt.  And I hurt for a long time, a lot.  And I still do some days....but today I'm writing stressed but happy and...engaged.  Healthy...and above all else...alive.

My nice thing in this blog?  Being brutally honest.  It's something I'm learning as an engaged woman.  Apparently it's important to the whole communication thing.  Here are the lyrics to the song.  I'm posting the video too...but if you don't dig Jack's then just read the lyrics.  They're beautiful, inspiring, and they're honest.  

Back to wedding planning via e-mail and text...but I've got my Jack's playing in the background and my picture in front of me.  A support system in place, and a smile on my face...

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim