Crazy Little Thing

Mood:  ....called love....

I have a confession.  I don't think I have ever been in love before.  I've loved people...I've cared for people...but actually having been in love?  Nah.  Apparently not.

With a 6 year relationship in my past...and a person I did care deeply for...I have to admit that I'm slightly surprised by this realization.  I mean...obviously I knew I wasn't in love or I'd still be with the ex...but it's weird when your head and your heart decide to get along.

And honestly, mine rarely do.  Like....practically never.  I had an issue today searching the internet for the PERFECT shoe.  I looked for almost 4 hours straight...still haven't found it...and am more frustrated than I was before starting a search.  

The thing the shoe hunt taught me...and my nice thing for today...is that there is NO SUCH THING AS PERFECT.  Of course I know this.  And I remind myself of it on a daily basis.  True story.   I am constantly telling this to myself.  In 4th grade, when I got my very first "B" ever on a report card I sobbed for 3 hours in my mom and dad's bed while they told me how proud they were of me.  And that just because I hadn't performed up to my usual standards didn't mean I was a horrible person.  Their 3 hour pep talk during my meltdown (one of very very many during my childhood and adolescence)  amounted to the fact that every "A" represented my potential.  While anything else just represented where I was.  And that was neither a good, nor bad thing...though they weren't crazy about the near "FAIL" in my senior year Calculus class (I redeemed myself in college).  The thing is...my parents raised me in this insane "you can do anything and be whoever you want" way.  It is only recently that they have become aware of how successful their nurturing was.  I truly believe I can do almost anything.  At least...the things I dare to allow myself to do.  

Anyway.  I realize that I'm not perfect.  And nobody is.  But the whole being in love thing?  It's it's own unique brand of perfection.  I don't believe in perfection anymore...attempting to obtain what I thought was perfect for me nearly killed me.  What I do believe in...is a perfection that is so imperfect...it stops making any kind of sense.  Stephen King once said that often we don't say the things that are the most difficult to say, because words diminish the power of our thoughts.  I doubt he was talking about being in insane love...and more about his dark and macabre stories (that I love...) but it works just the same.

And the whole perfect thing?  I thought I found THE shoe about 900 times today.  And every single time I found it...I found fault with it.  Too sparkly (okay....that actually WAS one which surprised me given my love for anything shiny)...to expensive...too high...too blue...too tacky looking...the list goes on for about 4 hours worth of looking for shoes.  What astounds me about this is I fell in love with this amazing man after being around him for maybe 12 hours.  I don't honestly remember how long the first date lasted.  All I recall is that I felt this undeniable connection...and it's only gotten stronger every single day since.  Shoes will come and go...I'm hoping he doesn't (and BOTH head and heart KNOW this is my person).

There truly are no words for the thrill that is being in love.  Not loving...but in an actual state of BEING.  Words are awesome.  I love them.  Writing is such an integral part of my life that I'd be lost without words.  But it IS frustrating when no matter what...there are no words that do justice to how you feel.  One day there will be.  And I'll look back and go...damn I should have said THAT.  Until then...I'll just keep working with what does come to me.  In all it's imperfect and crazy glory.

back to looking for shoes...and enjoy some Queen....it'll make your day so much better!