I haven't blogged since last week. I also haven't slept since last week. Well...for more than 2 hours a night or so anyway. As I've been unable to make sense of anything around me, I did what is the most comfortable for me to do...I hid. Sometimes with 5 million things going on around me I'm still able to come up with something coherent to blog. Not recently. This most recent bout of insomnia has left me...
Insomnia affects every single aspect of your life from physical features (not enough under-eye concealer in the WORLD for these circles) to physical health (add the flu to my strep) to mental health (welcome back panic attacks!) to emotional health (depressed and hopelessly lonely) to spiritual health (uh....absent....completely).
As I sat at my desk today with about 25 projects scattered in front of me...I could NOT focus on anything. Not one thing. I tried for nearly 2.5 hours to write a note to send home with the kids. I've written 10 page papers in less time than that...this note should have taken about 3o seconds.
When I'm this lost there are few things that help me. One, though, is...reading. If I can find engaging material I can generally shut off the other nagging areas of crazy that keep me from being productive. So I rooted around the bookshelf...for this was not a "crack open the Bible" kind of day...and I found a text from seminary that I recall having genuinely enjoyed. It's core is on youth, youth culture, religion, church, etc...and so I decided I'd take a second look at it. As I was reading I became engrossed in the material (SCORE) and started nodding, or shaking my head...answering or disagreeing with the text in front of me. I happened to be reading about how parental religious grip loosens as children get older...when...that's really quite detrimental to children and their faith.
And as I'm angrily agreeing thinking how much easier my job would be if parent's were as involved as they expect their kids to be WITHOUT forcing their hand...I realized...I'm about as religiously strict as a 2 year old. I had to put the book down before freaking out.
As an educator in the church, I suppose I have a certain amount of authority. And I will be the first to admit that I am certainly a reluctant authority figure. That being said...I doubt that the high school kids would admit authoritative status of me from the get go...or the majority anyway...but I imagine if you asked them in a round about way whether or not they considered their youth group leader to be an authority figure...the answer would be pleasant. The annoying thing about that? To carry authority you have to first have beliefs...and...well...lately...
I've been so busy trying to stay afloat in this "new" life that I lost track of pretty much everything about my old one. I can't remember the last time I wrote a journal entry as opposed to a blog. I used to write (by hand) for hours before bed. Or the last time I colored a prayer that was honestly on MY heart. The last time I sat down to read...and I don't recall the last time I went to the lake or cooked an extravagant meal just because...
So as I read about how detrimental it is to loosen the parental grip on religion...and why it's done...I couldn't help but think of my own current frustration. Parents let go of church because there are other, more pressing matters. School (college is EXPENSIVE), pregnancy, drugs, friends, work...kids today are merely youngER adults. They hold harder hours than I do for the most part. And I'm sitting at my desk angrily thinking "well the more 'important' stuff can be here too..." when all of a sudden I realized...
Damn. That sucks. Cause...I can't point the finger if where I really need to point it is in the mirror. Hell...my more "important" stuff became...absolutely trivial in comparison to that list.
Truth is, religion and I...we're an odd pair...but I can't say I could live without it...even if I despise the institutional religious atmosphere I'm in. The point to all this rambling? My nice thing today is simply a renewed effort to remember what is most important to me.
My family. Friends. Laughing. Writing. Reading. Figuring out religion. Spiritual practices. Wellness. Shoes. Make-up. Nice things.
Being better. Doing better...and living better by proxy. May God give you the kick in the ass that I got today...
and may I sleep tonight.
the video relates to my earlier sentiments about religion:
Next time you point a finger...I'll point you to the mirror. If God's the game that you're playing, well we must get more acquainted. Because it has to be so lonely to be the only one who's holy. It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in...you don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you.
Love you honey!!!
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