Enter Sandman

Mood:  tired, anxious, scared, triumphant



Why is it that our biggest accomplishments and proudest moments can be taken away by the smallest of insecurities?  When do we start to allow ourselves to take pride in achievements, no matter how small?  Honestly, does that ever start to happen?


Today was certainly not the first time I've flown by myself.  It was, however, the first time that I've come home by myself.  To an empty apartment.  To a cold environment (not just the weather) and to a place where I really still feel as though I have nobody.  

But I did it.  And I made it onto the plane(s) and in the car...and I didn't look back.  And once I got home I set to doing things to make me feel better about being here.  There is about 900 hours of cleaning ahead of me...but I at least got some of the most egregious messes picked up.  And I made the bed....super pretty.  Because, I know I'll need a good night of sleep.  I've been up since 3 (2am Iowa time) and traveling all day.  I haven't been sleeping on vacation...and frankly, I'm terrified....so if having the bed look a little prettier will help me sleep then I'll try it.


I put up some magnets my mom and I picked out.  I started collecting dirty clothes.  And I put away shoes that didn't have a home before.  For having been home for only 2 hours I've been incredibly productive...but it's mainly out of self preservation.  If I don't keep going...then I stop and remember that I'm alone.  

And that's scary.  


But...I'll keep going one day at a time until I don't define myself as alone....but independent.  And damn proud of it.  And luckily, I have faith that with the right people in my corner...that WILL happen.


For now I'm going to continue my cleaning binge until I can no longer stand...and hopefully....tonight I'll get some rest.  And peace.  And assurance that I've done the right thing.