I Fly Solo

Mood:  red cup


Sup?  It's been a few days.  This week has been, for lack of a better word...intense.  Due to weather related issues (and a paranoid but well meaning) grandmother...today is the first day I have been at my apartment since Sunday.   


Work this week has been...challenging...to say the least.  I've had more mini crises of faith in the past 4 days than I ever have in my life.  And I've been through 2 years of seminary!  So....I picked up a book by Bart Ehrman (highly recommend this author if you've never read him).  God's Problem:  How the Bible Fails to Answer our Most Important Question - Why We Suffer which is aimed at pointing out how faith can indeed leave you hanging sometimes.  How God and the Bible and religion in general can leave you feeling alone and exposed and hurting.  

As I drove to Early today...heading towards my apartment...I was freaking out.  I haven't had a panic attack in probably 3 weeks or so.  But when I woke up this morning one felt imminent.  So, I adjusted my work schedule and with Caitlyn on the phone, I decided to face the anxiety head on.  I have never felt that kind of anxiety regarding my apartment.  Sure...coming home from PA in January was sad without Caitlyn...but it wasn't a reason to panic.  This morning though...something kind of snapped in me.  And I realized that for the past few days I've been surrounded by people constantly.  While I'm not alone often...I usually do get my "me" time in the morning and evening before and after work.  But with the weather and family...well there was no "me" time this week.

I guess being around somebody 24/7 again and then...very suddenly being not around anybody...reinforced how alone I am sometimes.  And it sincerely freaked me out.

But I came home.  Put away the dishes that had been left drying from Sunday morning and did some closet cleaning.  Texted with friends and fam.  Watched some glee....and had a random need to listen to this song:

I haven't listened to this song since Cait lived here and we had random late night insomnia induced dance parties in the bedroom.  Instead of making me sad and homesick...it made me happy.  Yeah...I live alone...but that in no way means that I am alone.  

So today my nice thing was to take ownership of me.  To remind myself that I'm not alone even when I'm alone.  To read something affirming, funny, and thought provoking...and also Cosmo...and to paint my nails...do a face mask.  Make an awesome dinner and indulge in some pretty sweet single activities.