Vanilla Twilight

Mood:  I'll look at the world with eye new...


I know I've used this song before in a blog.  One for my sister.  As I was driving to work this morning and listening to my music, this song came on.  

I've been trying to write this blog for a full day now.  Honestly.  24 full hours of this agony.  I've written in the journal until my hand was aching.  I've talked through it, texted with the boyfriend (that's coming...) about it, listened to countless music looking for inspiration, colored my prayers, and written so many drafts I stopped counting.  As I gave up for another night the boyfriend had a pretty solid idea...so here goes.

One thing I read a ton about and am constantly inspired by is Celtic spirituality.  I'm not going to lie, it started as a completely shallow way of screaming "look at how Irish I am!" but it turned into a  deep fascination and appreciation for their view of the world and life.  Celtic spirituality is incredibly cyclical in nature.  So is Celtic Christianity too...just look at their crosses.  The beauty in Celtic art and the knots...the intricate weaving of one line, ultimately beginning and ending at the same place.  And that's what it's all about.  We are born knowing, loving, and full of everything we need.  It is all already in us.  Living is merely a journey that extracts it...pulls it out.  And death is not entering some scary unknown place, but rather, a homecoming.  


Thinking on Celtic spirituality, the boyfriend, this song...it all makes sense.  Life is inherently cyclical.  I like how even 5 year olds know this because The Lion King tells them so, but it takes a grown woman over 24 hours to come to terms with this.


I guess that I was struggling so hard with this particular blog and this idea of life cycles because given my current situation it's quite scary.


I've used the word boyfriend a few times.  Ladies and gentlemen...Ashley CB is no longer a single woman.  After 3 years of being alone and figuring me out...I found somebody who gets me.  No bullshit.  No pretending.  Just a really sweet, considerate man who cares about me.  And I care right back.  Though the transition from first date to second date to relationship was somewhat seamless, and...for me at least...an inevitability, it's still nice to have been officially asked.  The second date was even better than the first...but that could have been the genius of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost...who knows.  Hours talking and laughing and sharing with each other...it's so...effortless and easy.  


I drove home Saturday....very reluctantly....content in a way I haven't been in years.  Happy.  Excited.  I feel nothing but blessed to have this person in my life.  Well...there are other adjectives of course...but...I'm a damn lucky girl.


When I got home Saturday...I took a shower.  As I stepped out of the shower I heard a notification on my phone.  It was a voicemail informing me that one of the women in my congregation had been killed Friday morning in a car accident.  I'm sure my jaw dropped as tears formed.  This woman left 7 children ranging in age from college to 4th grade behind.  The children that I have been working with, and loving since I started my job.


As I cried...I called my mom.  Thankful that I still had a mother to call I sobbed to her.  I was in complete shock.  This woman was young, full of life, loving, and her children....


It's not lost on me that there's a new beginning and an ending at this point in my life.  But what I was missing...was that in the ending there is another new beginning.  While she has gone home...wherever that may be for her...her children are just starting to learn to live again.  Without a mother.


My job is...or as I describe it anyway...to care for, protect, teach, love, encourage, and be present for all the youth of the congregation (and any from the community who wander on in).  I'm blessed to not have much personal experience with death.  So how am I to care for these kids in what may be the most painful experience they will go through? 


The same way that I'm going to treat my new relationship.  With thoughtfulness, with love, with tenderness...and simply being present.  Listening with open ears and an open heart.  Providing the only thing I can give...and the most important thing I can give...myself.  


While I begin this wonderful new part of my life...I do it with the support of friends, family, extended church families...and of course...the boyfriend.  As I work my way through the grieving process and work towards healing...I'll remember that the new relationship and the challenge in front of me are not unrelated.  Rather...they are two parts of one journey.  Mine.  

As you listen to the song, if you do, think of your journey.  And know that it's not a scary undetermined path.  You're going to stumble...hell you're gonna faceplant...but at the end you'll be home.  It's worth taking the trip.


And please...I don't care if you pray, meditate, or do nothing...but please hold these 7 children in your hearts...for just a few minutes.  Thank you.