The Sun Will Forever Keep Rising

Mood: keep rising


A few weeks ago as Jeff and I drove the hour to pick up Malcolm I was singing along in the car to Andrew McMahon and his Jack's Mannequin music. If you know me personally, you will have heard me fangirl about Andrew previously, either I forced you to listen to him, became incredulous that you didn't know who he was or spouted a million reasons why your life would be a million times better with Andrew in it.

Well, not much has changed for me since I was 18 where Andrew is concerned. I still fangirl when I go to his shows (Jeff was greatly amused this summer when we saw him) and his music is still what I listen to when I need to sort out the really big things in my life.

Something Corporate got me through college and the portions of graduate school that I made it through. And his lyrics were there when the program proved just too much for me. My faith shaken, Andrew reminded me that my life had a purpose, and it was okay to spend some time figuring it out. (By the way, I'm STILL working on that).

Something Corporate was the soundtrack to my life the summer I finally left a mentally and physically abusive relationship. Andrew's voice and melodies and words soothed the wounds that were, and some days still are, raw and hurting. 

Jack's Mannequin has seen me through several horrendous bouts of depression, some of which I truly did not want to come out of on the other side. Andrew has said that it's always really heavy for him when people tell him that he saved their lives, and I can only imagine what hearing that must be like. He's said that it's those people that saved themselves and he's glad to have been there, but truly I am not positive I'd be typing this today if it were not for some of his lyrics.

Anyway, as we were driving Jeff joked that I loved Andrew McMahon more than him. Without pausing I said, "No, it's just that he's been in my life for a lot longer than you have."

And that is true. 11 years of music and inspiration later I still feel like I just discovered this man.

Tonight, I'm writing from a lonely place.

Jeff got news that he needs a fourth round of chemotherapy. While we are grateful that he'll celebrate Christmas cancer free, it's a scary time for us. His job put him (without allowing him a choice) on unpaid leave and my freelance writing doesn't exactly bring in the big bucks. Medical bills pile up, regular bills pile up...life does not stop because you get cancer. A cancer expert my dad looked up has been in touch with Jeff to say that the fourth round is unnecessary, so we face a difficult decision. Well, Jeff does at least. I'm here to support him regardless of the decision.

I've been filling my days with taking care of Jeff, Malcolm, the dogs and the day to day things that need to get done. I stay plenty busy. And I'm happy to report that I actually have been making a concerted effort in the weight loss front. It's my nights that are impossible. Jeff is asleep, too tired to sit up for a minute so that he can take his medications. Malcolm is asleep. The dogs are asleep. And I am alone with my thoughts and my fears and my insecurities. And the scariest thing of all: the fear of death. Of Jeff's. Of my husband's. Mourning my grandfather's passing. My professor's life being cut short by his battle with cancer.

I sit alone, night after night in a house filled with noise as I try to cancel out these feelings. These thoughts. The loss and sadness weighs so heavily some nights that I cannot breath without pain in my chest. I know, and 100%, that Jeff will make a full recovery and we will live long and healthy lives.

But at night, when I'm all alone, when the noise can't distract me, I wonder...what it...what if the happy ending looks completely different for Jeff and I? What if my husband dies? Cancer is a really hard thing for people close to you to handle. I am reminded of my infertility struggles. Often, when people don't know what to say, they simply say nothing. And that hurts worse than anything. When you desperately want to know you are not alone, but are far too exhausted and drained to reach out, and all you hear is radio silence. That is the worst.

These nights are lonely. And endless.

But I have Andrew. And the sun will rise and push the loneliness and fear away.

I have written this post several times. And I always end up deleting it for fear of coming across too depressed or too negative. And that is truly not my disposition. Tonight I am feeling scared, but also a little brave. I promised to blog my experience with cancer and I would be remiss if I did not admit that there are moments of the utmost weakness and terror. There are moments where I can simply not hold the tears any longer and I fall to my knees weeping. And there are moments of laughter and happiness and joy.

If you want a small taste of the range of emotions, beautifully composed, listen to "Keep Rising" by Jack's Mannequin. The lyrics follow.

"Keep Rising (Passenger Demo)"

I could feel the pressure drop
And hope was just a broken bridge
And when the clouds refused to stop
They said you'd find the plan for this

And there was no place I could run
Just days without the sun
I was a ghost in waiting
Sleep to dream and hear you saying

Don't be afraid
The rain will make us what we are
And I will keep you sane
Just waiting with me in the dark
Cause this feels a whole lot like living dead

If it's just this song
To keep us in the universe
While the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we could lose this fight

With the love that I'm facing
With the night so long
When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising

So they plugged my wires in
And told me I was born to fight
(Maybe you were born to, maybe you were born to die)
Sometimes the best machines don't win
Could you stay and get me through the night
Cause I'm so afraid.

The rain will make us what we are
Don't let me fade just waited with me in the dark
Cause this feels a whole lot like living dead

It's just this song to keep us in the universe
While the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we could lose this fight
With the love that I'm facing?
With the night so long?
When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising

And we sing
Till we watch the streetlights all fall fast asleep
Yeah we sing till the sun rains down on everything
It's just this song to keep us in the universe
While the wars are waging
I will be strong
There's no chance we could lose this fight
With the love that I'm facing
With a night so long

When the morning comes we'll know the truth
The sun will forever keep rising
Keep rising
Keep rising, yeah
The sun will forever keep rising
Keep rising
Keep rising, yeah
The sun will forever keep rising

*Lyrics from www.azlyrics.com

Jeff's Fundraising Page at Give Forward:
http://gfwd.at/19AoOzG

Lonely

Mood: sick, lonely, shattered, broken

Today I was once more confined to my bed.  My ears are worse today (I'm thinking infection) as is my throat (strep maybe?).  And while I always THINK I want more free time to do "nothing" with...I'm actually horrible at it.  So after surfing through some curriculum for work...and thinking re-working a discussion for tomorrow night...I was left with nothing but my thoughts for the day.  And honestly, my head is a pretty lonely place these days.

I broke up with the ex nearly 3 years ago.  I've been single for 3 years.  And I've been alone for almost 3 years.  Most of the time I didn't mind.  I needed space to grow into my own person (which I have) and I needed to learn who I was outside of a relationship.  I mean...the ex and I dated for close to 7 years.  There were so many life altering things that happened during those 7 years that I kind of grew dependent on at least having somebody physically present with me in turmoil (even if he was miles away emotionally...and let's face it if you know the story he was physically missing most of the time too....).  But at least I had somebody to face things with me.  Somebody who wasn't family...you need that, you know?  

Then there comes a time when you need to know that you can handle life's changes (big and small) on your own.  Once you've mastered that?  Well...I'm not sure...cause I'm still alone.  

I think that too often people say that loneliness can be a friend.  I used to believe this myself.  Then I realized that there is a difference between solitude and loneliness and solitude is what can be a friend.  Being in solitude...in quiet...in yourself...that's where you can garner strength and wisdom and empowerment.  But loneliness?  That just leaves you feeling depleted and empty...unwanted.  And there is nothing more lonely than loneliness as a result of a loss of communication.

I've been very honest in my blog in my struggle with feeling lonely.  Sometimes it totally sucks to be the ONE member of the church staff (and committees I'm on) who isn't rushing home to family.  Sometimes it sucks to not be able to go out for a night cause there's nobody to go with (and I'm so tired of going by myself).  Most of all...sometimes it sucks when there's nobody to talk to anymore.  When there's nobody pushing you and believing in you even when they have no reason to...nothing to gain except seeing you smile.  And before this is flooded (by Caitlyn and Mommy...possibly Daddy) about family being those people...let's face it...at some point in life there has to be something other than family.

So, while I spent some of the day reading Glamour...and some desperately seeking a way out of my head...I spent most of it fighting tears that are now threatening to overflow and stain the pillowcase.  And I think my nice thing for today will be to let myself cry instead of trying to shut it down for once. 

My Windows

Mood:  blah

I've had the last two days free from work.  I can't honestly remember the last time (we're talking months here at least) that I had TWO FULL DAYS with NO obligations.  No Saturday off except for the two hours that I just have to run into work...or Friday off but a football game at night.  Which were/are part of my job and I'm fine with that...but TWO DAYS?!?!?!

I started off excited.  Friday was great.  I woke up around my normal time, ate some delicious cereal...did a whole bunch of nothing...napped...continued doing nothing...made dinner.  Saturday morning was good...got a lot of errands run in a short period of time...gave myself a manicure (dark purple) and continued working on one of my coloring prayers.  Played computer games...and then sometime between the pizza (splurge!) and bedtime my mood became....horrendous.  I was irritable (I DO have my lady friend), depressed, and really really lonely.  The thing that bothers me about the loneliness though, is that I don't have the desire to be around people, rather...I want to hide under my covers.  I want to hide under my covers UNDER the bed.  I want to crawl into a little cave somewhere and live with bears for a bit.  Honest.

And as much as I really do love my job, I'll admit that I came up with about 20 excuses as to why I couldn't be here today.  Because (as one of my absolute favorite lines from Scrubs says) "nothing sucks more than being surrounded by people and feeling completely alone."  That's exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Tons of people...and tons of people that care and like me...but I feel absolutely alone.  

So my nice thing for the day...get my ass in gear and get to work.  I know...it doesn't sound that super nice or indulgent but not all changes for the better are.  They can't be.  Sometimes, to change things for the better we just have to change our old ways.  Because a year ago I WOULD have crawled back under covers and called and been horribly ill or something.  But today, I challenged myself to show up (it's going to be close to a 12 hour day in the office....) and so far...I haven't run screaming to the car.  

(need I say that went sideways?)

Besides just showing up (half the battle) I'll remind myself how lucky I am to be employed (and not UNDERemployed for once) in a career that gives me the freedom to be myself and do what I love.  

I'm not saying I don't want to figure out how to shimmy out of those windows (impossible)...but I won't.  I'll sit and look at them and think of everything they represent.  And pray for all the people who want their own stained glass windows (or equivalent...).  God bless you.  And even if you're feeling alone (as I am) remember...you aren't.  There is ALWAYS somebody there to care!