Mood: humble, happy, hopeful
I have to admit, I never wanted children. Publicly anyway. As I've gotten older I've realized that not wanting children was indeed a defense mechanism. If I say I don't want any then how can I possibly be disappointed when I don't have any? I do have one, though. Malcolm may not be my son by blood or biology, but in my heart I know we were meant to be in each other's lives.
Reason #1 I know this to be true? He forces me to learn something new every single day. And if we're being completely honest I learn something new about 20 times a day when I'm with him. My current favorite example happened last night. Last month my mom shipped her old Clarisonic face brush to me as I was having a horrid time with my face breaking out, but could not afford to purchase one myself. Last month is the most important part of that sentence. I have been using this for a full month. 30 days. I've been cleansing morning and night religiously with this thing. I just yesterday learned that there is more than 1 speed. How did I learn this? Malcolm picked it up. That's it. Withing 10 seconds of having it turned on he managed to show me that there is more than 1 setting. Why had it never occurred to me to press that damn button a second time?
Which leads me to reason #2 that I know we are destined to be lifelong friends. He makes me wonder. I took a course in seminary on wonder. What wonder is, how to encourage it, how to take time to wonder. It seemed so logical and smart and easy at age 23, having never been outside of an academic setting. I would sit in class and think that of course we all needed to stop and smell the proverbial roses, why on earth was I earning credit for this class? Then life happened. 5 years of work and general living and not being an official student later, I wish I would remember to smell those roses. Or to look at the snow outside and think not of the delays and headaches that it will result in, but how infinitely amazing it is that there is 13 inches on the ground and not one single flake is the same as another. Malcolm is a constant reminder that the world is full of things to marvel at. From the universal and deeply meaningful to remembering that it's okay to experiment with everyday items just to "see what happens."
And the third and most important reason I know that Malcolm was more than a huge bonus to meeting and marrying Jeff? I love him. It may seem like that reason doesn't make sense. But to me, it does. I love this child. This child that did not grow inside me, nor did I ever see in infancy. This child that could already walk and punch and argue when we met. This child that teaches me all the time that I am capable of more. I am so much more than what I limit myself to. Jeff tells me this, my parents and sister tell me this, it is something I "know." Yet for some reason when this realization comes from Malcolm it clicks. I have a sudden, fleeting moment of clarity that whatever horrible thing is happening at this exact second is just a speck of dust on the "big picture" of our lives. I have gained patience that I never thought I would have. And love that is so pure and real that wondering at it now, tears of joy fall from my eyes.
Parenthood, and step-parenthood in particular, is trial by fire. There is nothing to be done except do and then pray that you're doing something right. Judging by Malcolm Jeff has done a great job, and the way he relates to me I think maybe I'm not doing too shabby. I know that this is a lifelong job, and I am already dreading Malcolm circa age 12...but today I am so blessed to be spending time with him. Teaching him. Loving him. But most importantly, learning and growing from him.
