Out of My Way...

Mood:  confused, nervous, excited

It's 9:48 and I just woke up to my phone.  Let  me repeat, it's 9:48 and my phone just woke me up.  I'm 26 and it's a Thursday night.  That's kinda sad.

I have no social life apparently.  Actually, I'm still getting over a month (plus) of sinus/upper respiratory crap...and I'm recovering from flying/holidays/adjusting to work again.  Perhaps I'm putting off a social life.

Whatever.  Point is, now I'm up.  And I find I'm having trouble falling back asleep.  I was watching hulu and all of a sudden....my phone was ringing in a completely unfamiliar tone...and I was confused.  And now...I'm rambling.

But.  I rediscovered something yesterday.  My nice thing for myself yesterday was to run to Wal-Mart on my lunch hour to get gas, and I needed cuticle oil (I try to take very good care...) and I decided to check out the DVDs and see if perhaps there was something I was interested in.  And at the verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry bottom of an end cap happened to be the first two seasons of Will & Grace for $20.  So I nicely purchased cuticle oil, the DVD...and returned to a hellish day of work.

When I got home, I cleaned a bit...then decided to chill.  I work until 8ish on Wednesdays and it takes me at least 2 hours to completely de-stress and leave work at work.  Then I move on and indulge in my me time...even if it's cleaning.  So last night, after the cleaning, I decided to start decompressing by putting in this amazing show...and I was literally laughing out loud.  I forgot how truly awesome that show is.  

This morning, as I filled myself in on the episodes I fell asleep during last night, Jack happened to inspire my entire mood for the day.  He turned to Will and said "you know, anger  doesn't really go with what you're wearing."  I laughed....and then I realized that anger doesn't suit me either.  I'm not an angry person.  And I've been carrying around this anger for a few weeks that I just don't know what to do with or how to handle, cause it's just sooooooooooooooo not me.  So I internalize it and hate myself...which makes nice things harder.  But this seemingly obsequious quote has jarred me back into myself.

Anger doesn't fit with me.  It just doesn't.  So I decided today that I'd shed it.  Anger and resentment and carrying them around...I think it's kind of like a drinking a toxic poison...but expecting somebody else to get hurt.  Which won't happen.  Only you will be harmed.  

I'll forget this lesson in a day or two.  The next time something goes terribly wrong I'm sure...but I've learned it once, so I can learn it again.  And I can get up tomorrow morning remembering I don't like being or feeling angry.  And I have no desire to harm myself or be anything but happy.  

And in that spirit, I dressed up adorably today, wore gorgeous make up...my favorite perfume (Chanel Chance) AND got my nails done...on top of an incredibly productive day at the office.  Look good, feel good, do good.  And to do that...get the hell out of your own way.