Crime and Punishment

Mood: 1-11-11


I woke up this morning...jumped out of bed...and began shoveling my way out of my apartment.  I quite literally had to shovel for about 15 minutes before I was able to step out the door.  OH and this was at 5:30.  After I was assured that snow removal was not my responsibility or problem.  3 hours later with still a foot of packed snow from the plows behind my car...tell that to my boss.  



Thus I was anxious.  I'm not a fan of being out of the office, and RIGHT after a successful Sunday School, I'm not pleased with not being there.  I'd like to actually be there to ensure a second successful week.  But I calmed down...did a bunch of work that I could do...and settled in for another day stuck in the snow.


And then it happened.  A new Gmail popped up.  As I'm working from home I'm diligent about checking them...but it wasn't from work.  It was from facebook.  Telling me THE EX had sent me a message.  In shock I just kind of...stared at the computer for a minute.  Then I threw everything within reach at the wall.  Then I bawled.  I calmed down, read the message, and promptly freaked out again.


We've been apart for 3 years.  Haven't spoken for half of that time.  And now he wants to return my stuff?  What?  The awesome mini fridge I got from my grandmother for high school graduation to take to college?  Oh wait...that's at his new girlfriend's.  The patio furniture?  I forgot....at the new girlfriend's.  The $10,000 he took me for and ran?  Doubtful.


So like every girl in crisis...or at least like me in crisis....I called my mom who listened to me yell and sob hysterically.  She calmed me down as much as she possibly could.  But...I was rather inconsolable.


Later, I talked to Caitlyn.  Same conversation...yelling...tears...ended up with a decision to take a nap.  


And I woke up in a GREAT mood.  So I decided to shower.  And while showering...this is where I do most of my "deep" thinking...I got to thinking about just how unfair it is that he has the house, the relationship, the money, the kids (that aren't his), the everything I'm working for.  And yes...I am SOOOOOOO aware of the whole...I'm being the better person, the bigger person.  I'm figuring out and working through my issues.  I'm taking my life into my own hands instead of just moving on to the next victim.  But honestly, that does not change the fact that it hurts like hell.


So as I deep conditioned my hair I got to thinking about why I was being punished.  And I came to the conclusion that God is punishing me in my lack of relationships for all the mistakes and wrong that came with THE EX.  And there are a lot of things that I'm not proud of there.  A lot.  So I hopped up...threw my hair up...and texted Cait.  She assured me God wasn't punishing...but I was.


I asked her if she ever thought I would stop...and her answer (God bless her honesty) was "I hope so."  


And I've been thinking about that for a few hours.  I really am the one doing all the punishing.  I'm the only one standing in the way of a relationship.  Financially, I won't have "the house" for a while...but I could have the relationship.  I could move on.  If I thought I deserved it.  And so for the last few hours I've been pissed at myself because I HONESTLY thought I was done ruining opportunities and thinking I wasn't worth having somebody love me.  I really really did.  But here I am.  Wondering why me.  Again.


And the most painful thing about that is that I have an answer:  and the answer to why me, is simply...ME.  And that sucks.  I blogged the other day about getting out of my own way.  Apparently I'm going to have to carry this over every aspect of my life.  So...I'm going to commence nice thing by perhaps having a little glass of wine.  Enjoying a good dinner...curling up under the blankets early.  Maybe even a movie or two.  Who knows?  

All I know...is that I'll be as kind to myself as I can until I AM ready to forgive myself for all the hurt I caused...to myself and others....and that starts tonight.