Where Are You Now?

Mood:  blank

I had a long drive this morning.  Then a hot shower.  A face mask.  Some super luxurious lotion.  Comfy socks.  New Juicy sweats.  Fav super soft tee.  

And with all of this niceness surrounding me I am still in a funk beyond words.  In fact...I think I was in a funk maybe this morning.  Now I'm just in a freaking hole.  Also listening to James Blunt, Joshua Radin, The Script, Something Corporate, and random Honor Society.  It was actually Honor Society that started the funk.  I was listening to them...honor rolling down highway 20...when I looked over to laugh with Caitlyn, only she wasn't next to me.  I do this at least 10 times a week.  Which made me sad.  Then the next song that came on broke my heart...it has since they debuted it at the last concert I saw with mom and dad...right before moving to Iowa.  

There is a time for everyone.  Where they decide who they'll become.  The leap of faith they'll find someone.  I know I'm not the only one.  It's a long way up but I won't stop.  I'll sing for the brokenhearted.  I'll sing for the dreams that won't come true.  And the music won't stop playing.  Tonight I sing for you.

It's weird how music can take you places.  Not weird, actually that's quite intentional.  But it's weird how my mind lets it take me from missing Caitlyn to being alone in Iowa to deciding I need to talk to someone before I lose my mind (nobody picked up) and then...I picked all my emotional scabs until...I'm here.  Going insane.

Listening to stupid shit that I KNOW will depress me.  I progressed from Where Are You Now by Honor Society to Daughters by John Mayer which makes me cry probably 9 out of 10 times.  Then since that wasn't enough torture I changed it to Breakeven by The Script then Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt.  At this point I started tasting my own tears...and was almost home.  Sometimes a good cry is sweet release...and as I had built this up for over an hour I decided I needed something that would make me sob.  Enter Joshua Radin.  And Sister Hazel.

As I pulled into my spot in front of the apartment I realized how crappy I am to myself sometimes.  So I decided to take very nice care of myself...see the first few lines of the blog.  

I'm even doing a little bit of online shopping.  Nothing major...just some band tees...Glamour Kills stuff...maybe the Honor Society sweats I've wanted for over a year.  Reading InStyle and Glamour...but I can't shake this deep loneliness.  This all encompassing hollow feeling I have.  This feeling that as I approach 27 I should at least have something in my life that I feel proud of.  And I worded that carefully.  Because there is plenty that I actually AM proud of.  But it's a really unique proud.  For instance...most people are proud to say they have a college degree...I mean...I am...but it was hardly any work at all.  It came easily to me...school always has.  Moving out to Iowa and staying here by myself...but that was an accident.  And honestly I only stay here cause I have nowhere else to go.  So I don't count that as an accomplishment...just a matter of survival.


And as James Blunt continues to blare in my ears:

Gotta ask yourself the question...where are you now?

I just feel tired.  Exhausted.  Sick of putting on the brave face and smiling when I don't feel like it.  So...for just today...besides physically taking care of myself nicely...I'm going to emotionally as well.  I'm going to let myself cry when I feel the tears well.  I'm going to sleep.  And I'm going to not pretend that everything is okay today...when I feel completely out of control...and like nothing is okay.


But just for today.  I'll also remind myself that tomorrow is a new day...and maybe...the sun WILL come up tomorrow.  For now...I'm okay in darkness.