Here's a Song...

Mood:  Heaven can wait


Thursdays are generally my Fridays.  Today is.  My Friday, that is.  I mean, it's Thursday which is my personal Friday.  My last day in the office for the "work week."  And thank God for that.  In case you can't tell from the nonsense that is the previous 3-4 sentences, I am pretty much delirious.  I haven't slept in almost a full week other than the occasional hours here and there...and I've been working my freaking ass off.  Not literally...although my jeans are getting loose again.  I think that's just from fatigue and lack of eating though.  I'm pretty sure it's not significant weight loss.

Anyway.  So this "weekend" I plan on a few things.  Namely catching up on sleep and I have a fantastic idea as to how I'm going to go about that.  As for the rest of my "weekend?"  Up in the air.  I do know this much, I'm pretty stoked about it.

Yeah I went there.  Stoked.  The word's stuck in my head and I'm so tired I can't function enough to find a synonym.  I'm actually proud that I recalled that word correctly.  My high school English teachers would be so proud.

So...if you know me...or read this blog ever...you know I'm pretty hardcore about my music.  And uh...by that I think what I mean is that I'm always listening to it and I listen intensely.  I actually hear words when somebody sings them.  In fact...if life were a musical I'd be much more apt to NOT forget what people say.  I spend so much more effort trying to catch words in a song than I do when people are actually talking to me.  Or most of the time anyway.  Sometimes I care enough to listen...other times I'm either listening to a song in my head or meowing up there (old joke...but so good).

Today is no different than any other day.  I started the day off with a little Doors.  I needed something that I hadn't heard in a while.  Jimmy sang me through my shower and leaving the house process then since I left the iPod at the office last night it was Owl City driving to work.  Can I just say how much I love the song "Dental Care" because it's so cute.  And it makes me think of my last job back home and while I don't miss the work I sincerely miss the people.

Anyway so I got into the office...went to a meeting...and got back to the office.  I'm now just counting hours and putting in face time until I can leave for the day and pass out.  So to keep me awake without adding a ridiculous amount of caffeine to my system I've been inhaling music videos all day.  It started with Cobra Starship...moved to Cash Cash...and ended with this one...by We The Kings.  I've never seen it before today and I mean...it's cute...but it's definitely more the song that is the focus of my attention.  It was the first WTK song that I knew by heart...a quick favorite turned into an old friend.

Plus it speaks to my weekend.  Not the dog show...I don't plan on attending one...nor do I PLAN on seeing goats this weekend...but I do intend to remember to FEEL alive.  And live in the moment.  


So often I let myself get carried away in the "doing" of life that I miss out on the actual living part.  I'm pretty sure we all get caught up in the things we have to do...instead of those we want to do.  The things that really make us feel alive.  The things that make us wanna scream "Heaven can wait."  It's nice to be at a place in my life where I can afford to put off some responsibility and some of the tedious "doings" and experience some living.  I'm actually pretty proud that I got here all by myself.  Taking chances, and LIVING life.  


I hope you have a wonderful weekend...whenever that may be for you.  And remember...even if it's something as simple as going pantsless for a night (I'm looking at you Mom) live a little.


OH and enjoy We The Kings.  Travis is so adorbs.  <3

 

Where Are You Now?

Mood:  blank

I had a long drive this morning.  Then a hot shower.  A face mask.  Some super luxurious lotion.  Comfy socks.  New Juicy sweats.  Fav super soft tee.  

And with all of this niceness surrounding me I am still in a funk beyond words.  In fact...I think I was in a funk maybe this morning.  Now I'm just in a freaking hole.  Also listening to James Blunt, Joshua Radin, The Script, Something Corporate, and random Honor Society.  It was actually Honor Society that started the funk.  I was listening to them...honor rolling down highway 20...when I looked over to laugh with Caitlyn, only she wasn't next to me.  I do this at least 10 times a week.  Which made me sad.  Then the next song that came on broke my heart...it has since they debuted it at the last concert I saw with mom and dad...right before moving to Iowa.  

There is a time for everyone.  Where they decide who they'll become.  The leap of faith they'll find someone.  I know I'm not the only one.  It's a long way up but I won't stop.  I'll sing for the brokenhearted.  I'll sing for the dreams that won't come true.  And the music won't stop playing.  Tonight I sing for you.

It's weird how music can take you places.  Not weird, actually that's quite intentional.  But it's weird how my mind lets it take me from missing Caitlyn to being alone in Iowa to deciding I need to talk to someone before I lose my mind (nobody picked up) and then...I picked all my emotional scabs until...I'm here.  Going insane.

Listening to stupid shit that I KNOW will depress me.  I progressed from Where Are You Now by Honor Society to Daughters by John Mayer which makes me cry probably 9 out of 10 times.  Then since that wasn't enough torture I changed it to Breakeven by The Script then Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt.  At this point I started tasting my own tears...and was almost home.  Sometimes a good cry is sweet release...and as I had built this up for over an hour I decided I needed something that would make me sob.  Enter Joshua Radin.  And Sister Hazel.

As I pulled into my spot in front of the apartment I realized how crappy I am to myself sometimes.  So I decided to take very nice care of myself...see the first few lines of the blog.  

I'm even doing a little bit of online shopping.  Nothing major...just some band tees...Glamour Kills stuff...maybe the Honor Society sweats I've wanted for over a year.  Reading InStyle and Glamour...but I can't shake this deep loneliness.  This all encompassing hollow feeling I have.  This feeling that as I approach 27 I should at least have something in my life that I feel proud of.  And I worded that carefully.  Because there is plenty that I actually AM proud of.  But it's a really unique proud.  For instance...most people are proud to say they have a college degree...I mean...I am...but it was hardly any work at all.  It came easily to me...school always has.  Moving out to Iowa and staying here by myself...but that was an accident.  And honestly I only stay here cause I have nowhere else to go.  So I don't count that as an accomplishment...just a matter of survival.


And as James Blunt continues to blare in my ears:

Gotta ask yourself the question...where are you now?

I just feel tired.  Exhausted.  Sick of putting on the brave face and smiling when I don't feel like it.  So...for just today...besides physically taking care of myself nicely...I'm going to emotionally as well.  I'm going to let myself cry when I feel the tears well.  I'm going to sleep.  And I'm going to not pretend that everything is okay today...when I feel completely out of control...and like nothing is okay.


But just for today.  I'll also remind myself that tomorrow is a new day...and maybe...the sun WILL come up tomorrow.  For now...I'm okay in darkness.