It's honestly pathetic how terrified I am of change sometimes. Haircuts...and color...I'm actually okay with changing...that's pretty easy for me cause there are only so many combos that work on a round face with super pale skin. Make-up...I'll try new products constantly...and skin care as well. But pretty much everything else in my life...terrifies me.
I wait about a month before buying something on iTunes because I want to be 100% sure I'm gonna love it. Who does that? I've worn the same brand of underwear since high school...though since it's Victoria's Secret (or other "luxury brands" cause I'm a snob about it) I maintain that's just good taste. I throw next to nothing away because I might one day use a hacksaw....you know...if I got locked up all "Saw" style. And I realized this week just how absolutely stuck I am in terms of changing the people I surround myself with.
Of course, some of those people needn't change. I mean...I can't change my family...and when it comes to the immediate ones...I wouldn't want to. We're pretty awesome. My womans...wouldn't give her up for the world. But when it comes to other interpersonal relationships...I'm so bad at picking or finding or embracing new people.
I may be talking about romantic relationships...but it does extend to friendships as well. I got an e-mail this week that literally made me sick. I mean...physically ill. And of course there was the hysterical crying fit I had with my mother on the phone. While I was at work. Waiting on an important meeting. That was pretty awesome. The thing about this e-mail that hurt me the most perhaps....I should have seen it coming.
I'm not going to copy and paste the e-mail though the thought did occur to me. And I won't get into specifics. It's my blog and I'm not out to make this about anybody but me. Plus other people's personal business is just that and I'm not about to take that from someone. What I will do...is talk about this assault of words as it pertains to me. That was intense wording...but that's pretty much how it felt.
So the story goes...boy and girl meet....develop a ridiculously intense relationship. Tragedy strikes. Boy falls off face of the earth only to resurface...intensify relationship...and disappear again. Repeat several times. Girl never stops communication with boy...even knowing it will go unanswered. Until...it doesn't.
Right at a point where things in my life were kinda starting to be okay. I'm having some success in my job. Not living paycheck to paycheck...though I have a feeling I'll be doing that again soon...and I had moved on from the past hurts of my exes. Here's where I should have seen it coming. And here's why it pissed me off (and continues to do so).
Said boy was always "different"...not the bad boy I had just left. But a good guy. Who wanted good things for me. Only...when it was convenient for him. Which...was...EXACTLY the way bad boy ex worked. Every single time my life fell together and I was standing on MY OWN two feet...he'd pull the rug out from under me and I'd be at a new low. This e-mail was shaping up to be that way.
My last blog was the day after the e-mail. Pitiful. I reread it today and hated the girl that wrote it...cause she's not me. I have moved on. I have worked hard to get myself to the place I'm at. And it may be in the middle of nowhere, Iowa...but I'm damn proud that I've done it ALL BY MYSELF (okay and a month's rent from my brother).
I know that living in Early and working as a DCE is not the rest of my life. But I also know that it's a necessary step in the right direction. And I know that I've broken out of the pattern of dating the same guy in different skin. I've spent a lot of the last 3 years trying to figure out what I want...and now that I know...I'm actively seeking it. And after last week...for the first time in a long time...I have confidence that there is somebody that isn't only what I need...but what I want. And that fits with aforementioned awesome family.
So...I have a ridiculous weekend ahead of me. Tomorrow through Saturday night I have a Presbytery wide event looking after 30 confirmation students and planning two worship services for them in addition to supervising other activities....2 hours away from here. And on Sunday morning...my awesome Sr. High is leading the service...and I pray they remember that.
With that in mind I leave you with this video. And some of the lyrics:
Well I'm stuck in this fucking rut, waiting on a second hand pick me up. And I'm over getting older. If I could just find the time I would never let another day go by. And I'm over, getting old. Maybe it's not my weekend, but it's gonna be my year.
Retort:
ReplyDeleteAs the "said boy" I feel it my duty to counter your one-sided views. The email in question was one of compassion and had one purpose... to do what is best for you! I wanted good things for you.. period, I explicitly emphasised that on more than one occasion no matter if I were there or not and as for pulling the rug from under you, I apologise if that's how you saw it but I was trying to do what was best for both of us.. I failed, I admitted it and I didn't expect to be slandered for it. Best of luck in the future Ash, you deserve it, but I surely did not deserve that.
To respond to the comment above, I was always taught that if I didn't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all. So that is what I shall do..."I feel good about the restraint"
ReplyDeleteBut also, awesome blog, awesome song!
ReplyDelete